Is there hope for me??

[northbelle]

I am a 42 year old alcoholic addict who has been using since the age of 13. I became addicted to opiates at 19 and it has been a continuous battle with brief sober periods..the longest one being three uears recently..I had a 5 year heroin habit before that..I recently relapsed back on methadone(not prescribed) because of a unending depression that has never reponded well to many different therapies and medications..I get so exhausted fighting the depression although I was heavily involved in step word counseling ect...it just felt so hopeless having to struggle so much to face another day after three years and so much recovery work?? A doctor told me that he thought I would probably have to take methadone for the rest of my life?? I just can't accept that as I find myself in the addiction..wanting more methadone.finding ways to get more ect...? Do you think there is a solution? I just want to feel a little happiness and feel like I cannot acheive it in or out of recovery? What is wrong with me?? Any suggestions will be much appreciated..thank you very much..northbelle

[northbelle]

Thought I would post and let you know that sometimes I feel like once I ask a question..I sometimes get my own answer!! I feel like that has happened with this question I asked here..I know that there is no easy answer for me and that is always what i am hoping to find..addiction is cunning,baffling and powerful and I believe in my heart that is the problem with me and that if I stay out of my head..try not to analyze my life in one day..I will be ok as long as I stay clean and sober..more will be revealed and I think I will keep it simple for today and get out of my own way..it just seems that I may of asked a impossible question..one to which the only answer is RECOVERY?? I know that I need to kive a life clean and sober and follow a spiritual program...maybe that is all I nees to know!!!..or want to at this point!!.northbelle