Dealing with addictions in family

[ZUZZE]

I'm new here and definately need some guidance!

My brother (whom has not talked to anyone in the family in about 6 months) called my parents from the hospital a week ago in complete distress. My mother called me and said his wife kicked him out and he has been crying - just a mess and needs a place to stay. She asked if he could stay with me . . . I reluctantly agreed.

Turns out my brother has developed a serious cocaine addiction and so has his wife. I knew they were heavy pot smokers and that he had occassionally used cocaine but I had no idea he had become a regular user - he just wasn't around and I'm sure that's why he kept at a distance. Anyway, he says he has been doing cocaine since 1986!

He put me threw hell for a week! He paced, cried, yelled, and just never stopped talking! He wasn't walking straight - asking me for money. He was drinking heavily and smoking pot in my home! As the days went by my patience ran out and I told my parents and him I couldn't have him live with me anymore.

My brother told my parents everything about his drug problems. I pleaded with them to take him and because he did not want to stay with them they offerred no support! I told them he needs to be in treatment and they just weren't hearing me. (Please keep in mind that I have a sister who has been in rehab twice for cocaine addiction and was often living with me because my parents didn't want to deal with her). So none of this was new to any of us.

Later on that night, I went to my parents to get away because my brother, without asking me first, invited his wife and 3 kids to spend the night at my house! While I was at my parents my brother stopped by to drop his kids off so he could have time alone with his wife. I felt like I just couldn't get away and he was taking over my life and my parents just go along. I got really pissed and told him he had to find somewhere else to live. I have never been so mad in all my life!! I was yelling at my mother for constantly dumping the family problems on me and next thing I knew my brother had me cornered threatening me. I was so angry I never backed down - I was breaking things near me - I just remember screaming "I can't take it anymore!" My father had to pull my brother off me. Meanwhile my sister calls 911 b/c she thinks my brother is hurting my dad. . . WHAT A NIGHTMARE!

After all that my mother was yelling at me that I should be able to deal with these problems b/c I'm a counselor ( I work with developmentally disabled adults). She continued to say I take everything wrong and that she is from the old school that no matter how many times someone dumps on you , you should always be there for them. At that point I realized she still was not hearing me. My brother is out of my house and I haven't heard from my parents. I've come to the realization that if I am not going to be a "dumping ground" for their problems I'm not worthy to be in their lives. I'm incredibly depressed b/c I know now I have to distance myself from my family if I'm ever going to be happy. I'm currently renting from my parents and have decided to look for another place to live. HELP! I need some encouraging words!

[goffredo]

Hi how are you?

I read your post and it felt like reading about my situation. In my case is not a family member but my partner. I had a weekend in hell that is continuing up until today. My partner has used coke for the past 10 years, pot for 25 and everything else in between (including alcohol) except heroin and crack. The last thing she has done to me has been: telling me yesterday it was over and she was moving out, which she did, and asked me to find somewhere to live soon as she had enough of my nagging, controlling, monitoring (she had enough!!!!) and wanted the relationship to be over. She then calls me this morning to tell me she has missed me, loves me and she's coming home tonight; she then calls me at lunchtime and asks me money (she has financially drained me out comnpletely) and when I said I had no money, which she's aware of, she became nasty again, told me to get out today; she calls me after 10 minutes to apologise and says she'll come back home tonight and talk to me and tonight... she hasn't come back home!!!!!!! This is the irrational, abusive, manipulating, illogical and hurtful behaviour which is typical of an addict. She became nasty when I said "no", when I stopped, for the first time, enabling her, allowing her to treat me with no respect, rescuing her and not letting her suffer the consequences of her actions. For the first time I was not her "doormat" and she didn't like it. By doing less, we'll do more and better for them, by setting boundaries and sticking to what we say, we'll take the respect we deserve which if we ask we don't get. I have learnt not to expect a rational, loving and considerate behaviour from her because she's an addict and as such, when her mind is altered by drugs and then by the after-effect of them, she's not able to do otherwise. This doesn't mean justifying her erratic, selfish, rude and hurtful behaviour, but it's to admit: "we are powerless over drugs and other people's lives and our life has become unmanageable" (First step of the 12 steps tradition). It follows that we must focus on ourselves and our sanity, mental, spiritual, emotional and physical health and lead a serene life because the only control we'll ever have is over our own life. We can only change, others we can only love. I know it's hard and probably what I'm saying doesn't make sense. i'm a beginner too. Basically I came to terms with the fact that I have an illness too, it's called codependency. It's reacting to their erratic behaviour, trying to help only to get hurt and frustration in return, is to stop looking after myself and forgetting about myself as I focussed on her needs only and not on mine. I tried to change her by lecturing, nagging, reacting in an unreasonable manner myself, my life has become unmanageable. I feel we can stop this or at least deal with it in a different way. For me at the moment there are 2 things which are working in helping me to cope and to re-build myself: Families Anonymous and Alanon. Maybe you have already heard of this? Let me know.
Love and keep strong and look after yourself. i know how you feel
Jo

[MarkSichelCSW]

1...Go to AlAnon & or Nor Anon for ongoing support & help with your addictive & dysfunctional family.

2. Read my book, Healing From Family Rifts. It address exactly people like you who are living with families that are abusive to you. Its based on my personal experience of struggling to get away from an abusive family.

3. Focus your life on taking care of you. Somehow you've become the caregiver of your parents child and thats not how its supposed to be. You're all enmeshed in a way that really cuts you the worst deal. No one has ever protected you or told you that you have rights to say no, etc.

4. Write for support & encouragement here as much as you like. Keep the focus on you and your recovery from this codependency & abused woman issue. For thats really the problem. Your brother and your parents are abusers and you've been raised to talk to. Let's undo that and we're all eager to help you.

[OurBigSecret]

I'm new here too.
Just reading all the posts has really helped me a lot. They remind me that I am not alone in these problems and they help me to stay strong.
In my family, my brother has the addiction problem and he lives with my mom who is enabling him. Just like in your situation I seem to always wind up in the middle somehow. Also, my mom is a big fan of playing 'let's pretend everything is ok' when it really isn't. Seems your parents have a problem dealing with the truth too. I know it's hard, but they have to see the truth.
Right now I'm using some tough love on my mother and told her that as long as she continues the way she is going (She seems as much of an addict as my brother, it's like she is addicted to him and all his problems) and not get any help for the situation with my brother that neither I or my children can have any contact with them. (Not an easy task since she lives one floor below me!)
I've sent her things I've printed out from here on Sober Recovery and am going to get her the Co Dependent No More book. I hope she decides to give it a try.
Sometimes the only thing we can do is distance ourselves from the problem, at least for a while. I really miss my mom, but I don't miss all the drama!
Good Luck!