2 questions please

[justbreathe]

Hi everyone,

I have another question, actually 2. It's just that I am thinking so much lately. First of all, my A has been sober for 4 months now. Doing great. We have even managed to save $5k. (I know, miracle, huh!) But I still have master control of our accounts.

Anyway, we talk of having kids. Obviously, we will not even begin to try until he has some long term recovery behind him. So, 2 questions:

1) I still have not approached the "maybe you should go to meetings as well as abstaining" conversation. I keep chickening out. Any advice here? How can I word it?

2) After he has (fingers crossed, prayers answered) has had long term recovery behind him and continuing, have his past actions with drug abuse affected our chances to have kids? coke is his DOC.

Any advice would be helpful. I'm sure some of you are saying "Girl run the other way!!!" but i have chosen not to (at least at this point).

Thanks guys,

J
:okay:

[MoodyPoet]

affecting your children. It's unlikely because even if some of his sperm are deformed or otherwise abnormal..they won't be able to make their way to fertilize. Also, cocaine leaves the body fairly quickly, that's my understanding. The coke wouldn't have altered his genetic makeup so genetic defects won't be caused by the coke use.

If it was YOU, it would be different.

Why are you afraid to ask him about meetings?

[journeygal]

Justbreathe,

My husband hasn't attended meetings since the third month of his recovery. I used to ask him about going, but I had to let it go. I keep reminding myself that it's HIS recovery, not mine, and I'm the last person to know best how he should go about staying clean. That's b/t him and his HP. I just continue to pray for his recovery, as well as mine. If you still feel the need to ask him about meetings, you might ask how he feels about them in general, instead of suggesting that he attend them. I've come to believe that NA/AA meetings aren't the only way to successfully finding recovery.

No one would ever tell you to run the other way - you both sound like you're in a good place right now.

[justbreathe]

Hi Poet,

I guess I am afraid to approach the conversation because I am afraid he will say " I can do it without the meetings". Which is how he falls into the same trap. But so much is different now for him environmentally and emotionally. I don't know....I just feel like he thinks since he has been sober, working and saving$$ that he is OK.

I want this time of sobriety to be the real turning point. He is 30 yrs old, getting married (to me ) , working consistently. My family loves him. We have 2 cats lol. I just want to make it work.

Sighhhh

J
:okay:

[MoodyPoet]

You are doing your part to make your relationship work.

I think journeygal's suggestion is a good one. Approach the subject without it appearing like you are trying to control him or judge him.

I was asking because I was afraid you were going to say that you didn't want to ask him because you were afraid it would make him mad and therefore make him go out and use. I hope you know that you are NEVER what makes him use. He makes him use...his addiction makes him use. Rocking the boat, shouldn't be an issue.

Journeygal was also right when she said that truly, his recovery is up to him. Of course, suggesting things to him is great but understanding that is all you can really do, well that and support him without enabling him, is important too.

Love and Light- Moody

[justbreathe]

Thanks guys..... I will ask him how he feels about them instead of saying I think he should go. He used to go 5 nites/week..... so he knows the drill and he knows whats best for him in the long run.

J
:okay:

[boomba]

that you want to start a family with someone whom you are doubting? Having a family is a huge responsibility....one you can't walk away from.

I am not saying you should leave him but, if you have reservations now....deal with them........they won't disappear after you get married or have children.


Best of Luck to you,
Boomba

btw...i love your carebear (they were my favorite)

[justbreathe]

Hi Boomba,

I know what you are saying, but I truly believe he has it in him to succeed. That's why I'm trying to deal now. He can be a great father.

Siggghhhhh......... do you ever think, how did i get here???

J
:okay:

[babysteps]

Find myself thinking that a lot

I think that recovery, just like life, comes with no guarantees. Nothing is ever certain. There may be replapses, there may not be. Even with meetings, and everything going great, nothing is certain.

I'd never say jump right into having kids blindly (like I did), but at the same time I don't think Anyone is Ever actually prepared for them. Some just take more steps to get prepared.

There is no cure for addiction, there's only recovery. There is no cure for our disease (though it isn't classified as one yet), but there is recovery. It's a matter of what works for your situation

[Cajun girl]

I think the kids will come when the HP is ready. He is working in both of your lives. It is very hard when others to work things in your way, or even the way you just KNOW will work.... HA. Keep working on your recovery.

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage......

[piggle]

Justbreathe-

I feel like I can relate to what you are going through. My A quit 2 yrs and 8 months ago (DOC was alcohol). We struggled for several yrs prior to that with his disease and he was pretty darn close to drinking himself to death many times. The last time (quittin' time) he was around a .40 BAC when I dragged him to the ER.

We had always talked of marriage and truly wanted to do it, but after he got sober I felt like I needed to KNOW that he was committed to being sober, mainly because he never truly embraced AA. We went to the meetings for awhile before he finally hit bottom, but not one meeting since then. He has never felt like he fit into the fellowship and is not comfortable discussing his disease or hearing others talk about it.

Now, he made a remarkable life change....and has only gotten better and better since. I let him decide his path to recovery..as long as he stays ON IT!! We finally got married in Sept (yeehaw!!). I didn't intend to wait that long, but I did plan on waiting at least a yr. The reason we ended up waiting longer was because of all the changes occurring in him and us as he embraced sobriety and rejoined the human race He didn't really settle into "normal" behaviors for a year after he quit.

We are also talking about having a child (he has a 7 yr old from prev marriage). I am still very up in the air on this. On one hand, I would like to....but on the other I have many concerns. I worry about his sobriety and his ability to keep it while we go through the life changes of adding a new member to the family. I am not getting any younger and worry if I don't do it now, I won't be able to.

I guess I would say give him time to find his baseline again. Both marriage and children are BIG steps and maybe I am TOO cautious, but sobriety seems like a hard thing to keep without a fellowship or definable program. I know my A is doing it as yours appears to be. Even with a program, there is nothing really lost by waiting until you are sure

[justbreathe]

Hi Piggle,

Thanks so much, I feel better knowing that my A isn't the only one who tries to "go at it alone". I mean, my A might still decide to go, but for the time being, he is plugging along.

Congrats on his 2 yrs+ sober and your marriage, that's wonderful!

Also, thanks to Cajun, who congratulated me on my engagement! Sometimes I am so excited with all the planning etc, but other times I feel like a fraud because no one knows about his problem in my family, and only 2 friends do. One of which has abandoned ME because when I told her why I was so upset and why he had taken off......she completely stopped returning my calls etc. SO much for support from her! I don't think she felt comfortable but I don't think I deserve to lose a long term friendship - I didn't do anything wrong. She talks to me on and off. I asked her to be in my wedding, but my fiance and I are thinking of asking her not to, if she doesn't want to really be there! In the meantime, my parents wonder why she and I aren't really friends anymore. I told them we grew apart.

Sigh.......Oh well, have a great day

J
:okay:

[KellyJ]

AA/NA are not the only successful paths to recovery. Try putting "SMART recovery" or "Rational Recovery" into a google search to check out two others. In fact, in my field I have a lot of contact with the SMART Recovery program and the success rate of these programs is actually higher than the recovery rate of AA. The programs are far more family-friendly also. One of the downfalls of AA/NA is that many men detest the meeting and sharing format as much as women here embrace it.

While you are at Rational Recovery, be sure to check out the family pages. You may discover that you are not nearly as "sick" as you've been taught you are.

[justbreathe]

Thanks KellyJ

I've never heard of those 2 programs, I will look now.

J
:okay:

[Debbie]

RR/SR are recognized by some but not as highly recognized as AA/NA. I would assume they work, you might want to ask Kelly for her stats, since she has that college degree. I guess I just don't agree with their methods of bashing AA/NA, its very childish and immature.

Any way, my A has also been going it alone for a while. It hasn't worked for him this time but it did a few years back.

You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers justbreathe.

Take care.
Hugs,
Debbie

[Ogly]

one day at a time - no matter what program you decide to work..... everything happens for a reason and when the time is right you really will know it......

They say that there should be at least a years worth of recovery before they think of introducing a major change in their life - same goes for you..........

One other thought - remember this is a LIFE LONG disease.... Relaspe can occur at day 1, year 1, year 10 or year 20.....There is no cure........ Faith is wonderful - but before you decide to take this major step think of ALL the good and the bad that can come.... and look at it honestly....having fiath is wonderful - it really is - but you don't live a world called faith - you live i a world called REALITY!!!

The bunny is swinging the skillet with love again

Ogly

[KellyJ]

Although Rational Recovery is contemptuous of AA, SMART Recovery is not. In fact, it has encompassed some of the strengths of AA into the program. In your haste to criticize alternative options, barbiedeb, you might note that AA does not even acknowledge the existance of the science-based recovery strategies that these programs have had considerable success with. It seems to me that Ogly is absolutely correct---whatever works for a struggling addict IS the right program---there is no room for blind allegiance to any method. I posted this information because two posters here with addicts in their lives who are maintaining sobriety while not attending meetings, seemed to need this information.

There was an article in USA Today on 11/14 about a new teen Web-based treatment program called "teenGetgoing" that has received the endorsement of former White House drug czar Barry McCaffrey. It is also a science-based program that has achieved "remarkable" success with its pilot programs. With the state of insurance cut-backs for rehab programs and the dire recidivism statistics following conventional treatment, I hardly think any program is in a position to claim their way is the only way.

[Clowie]

Justbreathe... congrads to you and your engagement...


You so sound like me two years ago... I also married my A but when I married him... I believed in my heart that marrying would motivate him to get sober... Well 1 year and a couple of months later we are seperated.... and he is not sober...


Just remember if you have any doubts don't do it... The only reason I say this is because I had my doubts... and I married him because I believed in my heart that if you loved someone enough and showed them how much you loved them they would want to do good by you.... Well active addicts... CANNOT! They love the drug more than family, friends, and worst of all themselves....

My A also thought that he did not need meetings, rehab, counseling, or a sponsor... He was a relapse waiting to happen.... I believe the reason why my A uses drugs because there is something inside of him he cannot deal with... And meth is his escape... I always thought I could help him by giving him all my love and energy.... but that was not enough.... He needs to decide for him what it is he needs....

I'm sending many hugs your way... Your friend... Clowie

[Debbie]

Kelly,

I don't believe I did criticize anything except the contempt and the bashing. Whatever works for someone, I am all for it. Not sure if it was stated like that but that is what was meant. I for one would never recommend it of cource I don't have the degree and all the facts. I would hope that most people would do what is right for them.

Have a great day.

Debbie

[piggle]

but luckily we had an addiction specialist that gave us ALL of the options and programs available. He even included "going it alone" as an option some people choose. He never pushed or endorsed any programs...only gave the info and stats. The rest was up to my A who was then able to research and try whatever programs helped him. I think it is always important to know all of the choices out there....and find the one that works best for you. I don't like bashing by any program of any other. If the goal is sobriety then the bashing is really just nonsense.

piggle

[enufizenuf]

i am married to a marijuana addict & habe a 2 yr old. it is extremely lonley and painful. amazingly, he is an excellent father, but an ansent husband.

i had no idea he was an addict when we got married. i was too cluless or too into denial at the time. if i knew, i am not so sure i would have married him. although, i am such a major co-dep. that i may have thought i could change him.

it has been tough b/c i have wanted to leave but havent b/c i do have a child am i am now financially dep. he is generaslly a good person, but there is no intimacy left in my marriage b/c of the addiction.

i caution you to be sure enough time has passed to consider him truly in recovery, but to realize the disease is always there and may strike again. gettting married is a huge stressor and adding a baby is even more so, as enjoyable as both of these events are. stress is a trigger for relapse in my understanding. also, i live in fear of the day my child figures out what is going on with daddy.

i understand the clock gonging that its time for babies. my clock says hey, it's time for more and i am struggling with this myself. i want another child, but i know its a selfish thing to do. to bring another child into this family where there is addiction when i know it exists. it is so painful to give up our dreams, but more harmful to hang onto them & hope "this is it. this time he'll do it." i have been doing that for 3 years and i am just finally starting to get that there may never be a "this time."

i also caution you to be sure you are in recovery from your co-dep issues as well. remember that love is a big part of marriage, but its just not enough to sustain a "good enough" marrige. remember, there is no perfection , but there is "good enough" (boy, my therapy is really paying off!)

i feel so strongly about this, b/c i would hate to see you get married, have a baby, & end up in the boat with me.

i, of course, am cynical about marriage b/c of how mine has turned out. just be very clear about why you are in this realtionship and what your needs are. i am also just beginning my own journey into recovery from co-dep, so i may be more angry & cynical than those that have worked thier programs. i am barely on step 1!!

i am so here for you!!

enuf