Cut all contact?

[ggnewme]

I'll try to keep this short. My ex-ABF is still an active A and lying to me about his drinking; I know this. I attended al-anon, learned detachment and we broke up because his standards for life were not my own. Never-the-less, I still care for him, and would like to try and keep reminding him that there is a better path. I know it is his choice to walk it or not, and do not let myself worry, or get frustrated about his choices - they no longer affect me. So, for the past few months we've been talking every few days, and I've seen him about 5 times.

Quite out of the blue, his sponsor called me. A little background, ex-ABF goes to AA meetings about 1x or 2x a month, and I guess now he is showing up smelling of alcohol. He is not serious about recovery. I introduced him to his sponsor, who is a long time family friend and currently sober for 5 years, and doing very well.

So, Sponsor pointed out to me that ex-ABF is lying - that I knew, and that ex-ABF is in worse shape than he is letting on. Sponsor said to me that for himself to go into recovery, he had to lose "everything good in his life" - more or less, he's suggesting that even a remote friendship is enabling ex-ABF, and that 1) as ex-ABF continues to deteriorate, at least I won't have a front row seat and 2) it might help him to hit bottom sooner or at even all.

Now, the bulk of my experience with this whole disease is al-anon, which does not suggest the same logic. So, I am confused. I have come to believe that nothing I do or do not do will have any bearing on ex-ABFs choices. So, assuming I am willing to handle the pain of his deterioration or even death, will it really do ex-ABF that much good to remove myself from his life totally? What is the most loving thing to do?

Any perspective is appreciated. Thank you ~

[Yoguina]

The most loving thing to do is to do what your heart tells you. Noone can tell you to
pull away completely if you love this man. He is an addict and he has to want to give
it up on his own but by the looks of it, he is fine being an addict. If you can carry
this CROSS for the rest of your life without having to complain about it, then do it.
I am walking in your mocassins and feel for you because truly it is hard when you love
someone, to just give him up ans if he was an object and even that sometimes it is hard to give up...you don't have to live with him but you can talk and spend time with him except don't let any of this influence your dreams, your goals, you do have some don't ya??? follow your heart....good luck and God Bless!!!