Toxic mom's poisoned Dad!

[missexpat]

I have a toxic mom whose alcoholism goes unacknowledged by everyone in the family except the other alcoholic, my older brother ... who was subsequently scapegoated and shunned.
My mother and I have never gotten along well, but my father and I had a different relationship. Unlike my mother, he always told me he loved me and encouraged me in everything I did. I always felt unconditional love from him.

Until now. My mother's gotten much worse with her mean and selfish behavior, and she's managed to enlist my father in her battles against me. Their style is that she drinks, skulks off in a corner, and watches him act as her attack dog against whomever presumably has done her wrong. My father's life revolves around my mother, catering to her every whim, so it's easy to see how this could happen.

I, however, feel totally abandoned and betrayed. Their last visit was a disaster. They came for my wedding and my mother once again managed to turn a happy occasion into a heartbreaking one. When my father wasn't behaving like a stranger towards me, he was attacking me. The final evening, he canceled their plans with me and that's how they left.
After that, I told my mother in an email that I've had it with this sick relationship and that I'm not going to participate of these dysfunctional cycles anymore. This includes talking on the phone with them. (I live in another country, so this is the only way we can communicate live.) I told them that I would talk through email, but not live. And I wished them well.

Why did I do it through email? Because it's the only medium in which I can get my thoughts across without being preemptively shouted down and attacked for having the gall to express what I feel. This was the first time I've established a boundary between them and me. All my life, I've had constant anxiety and guilt for having feelings, and more anxiety over expressing them. As a child, I was made to feel that my feelings were wrong, that I was selfish, and that I certainly had no right to share what I felt. I still struggle with these issues. My college years were consumed wtih overating, bulimia and laxative abuse. Now I no longer have those problems, but I engage in self-mutilation as a way of expressing what I'm feeling and relieving inner pain. My parents have found out about these issues, but their way of dealing with them is to ignore them. My thoughts, my voice, simply don't count. If I do bring up my own problems, their response is to attack me so we don't have to deal with them. So I've learned not to bring these things up anymore.

We haven't spoken since their visit. It feels terrible. I don't miss my mother, but I do miss my father a lot. His silence is very present in my life. It feels like we may never speak again, and that is a terrifying thought. I didn't want to shut him, or even my mother, out of my life. I just wanted to stop the hurtful cycle. But it seems that both have resulted.

A close family member is pressuring me to call them to "patch things up," not understanding that things can't continue to be swept under the carpet. Again, this family can't even confront my mother on her alcoholism. I've told my parents many times that when there is no listening, then there is no real discussion, and thus no possibility of solution, and we'll just continue to have the same argument that we've had for the past 20 years. I would love to be able to call my parents and talk to them. I miss it so much, there is a huge vacuum in my life. I feel like I have no family anymore.

But unfortunately, when we do talk, only horrible and hurtful discussions ensue, and I always feel like mutilating myself afterward.

What should I do? I'm still struggling with these feelings of worthlessness and like it's all my fault.

[DanaNicole29]

Alanon Alanon Alanon (I can't stress that enough to you) My heart goes out to you. Nothing is your fault. Your mother has a disease and your father is her enabler. It is TERRIBLE that you have to be put in a situation like this. I feel that you are doing the right thing by establishing boundaries for yourself and by keeping the lines of communication open via Email is very good also. Maybe you can try sending them an email with "I" statements rather then "YOU did this" or "YOU do that" because even if they are in the wrong, by pointing fingers you generate a deffense mechanism in them which leads to no where fast. That is the only advice I have for you and it's just an opinion. Hearing what alcoholics and addicts put their loved ones through helps me to remember the amends I need to make and it is humbling. You are in my thoughts, take care of yourself and try and get some help for your self injurous behavior, it's not a healthy way to cope.

[Bers]

I'm so sorry for the pain your parents have inflicted on you. My mother is an alocholic and I know how hurtful they can be. It seems the harder you try, the more they hate you. When you try to express yourself or discuss your problems it forces them to look at the situation instead of hide from it and I'm sure that is uncomfortable for them. Better to ignore reality than deal with it. Anxiety is a result of being or feeling out of control, so taking control of the situation may be the way to resolve the problem. It's good that you set a boundary for your relationship with your parents, it's a first step toward gaining control. One thing I finally realized is that my mother is NEVER going to be a mother to me. She will NEVER treat me the way she should. She will NEVER make amends for the hurt she has caused me my whole life. It was such a hard thing to accept, but when I did I was finally able to greive for the little girl that I no longer was. It may sound weird, but I finally let go of being a child and started mothering MYSELF. It's probably the same for you with your dad. He might not be an alchoholic, but addiction is a family disease and he's got it. You've got it too, but you're working your way through it. I hope you can find some comfort.

[BigSis]

Missexpat - I am sorry for what you are going through, and send prayers for healing and comfort.

I am the adult child of alcoholics, and my mom was the most active in my life. She eventually got sober, but not until well after I left home. Her actions while drinking were deplorable, abusive and unconscionable. It took years of her sobriety for she and I to finally start making real progress in our relationship.

I am in Alanon for another reason, but I wonder how much better would my relationship with my mother have been if I could have found them earlier... I guess we go when we are ready.

In dysfunctional families, we are taught Don't Talk, Don't Trust and Don't Feel. I spend a lot of time "undoing" the damage caused by those rules and unlearning them.

Alanon has helped me understand MY part in bad relationships (such as "allowing" behavior that is not appropriate, not speaking up when I am harmed, or even when others for whom I am responsible are harmed). Alanon has saved my life and contributed to a better marriage, a better family and a better night's sleep.

I hope you can find a meeting in your area - they told me to try 5 or 6 meetings before passing judgement (because one of the things I learned to do VERY well was pass judgement!!). I wish you well,

BigSis

[missexpat]

Thanks to everyone for your comforting thoughts and advice. I am new to these forums and have never attended Al-Anon, but have heard that it can be a great help. I will look for one in my area.

[MarkSichelCSW]

I too have received great support from Al Anon in dealing with family drinking and abuse and have learned that there's no point in "patching things up" if you're only going to get abused again.

[historyteach]

missexpat;
Alanon is a great avenue for you to explore. There are meetings world wide. Here on SR, the alanon forum is called Friends and Families of Alcoholics. Please do check it out. You will receive much support and advice. Be sure to read the stickys on top. There's loads of wisdom to be gleaned from it; wisdom based in experience.
There's another source of information and support for you easily available. A book, titled Healing from Family Rifts. It is written by our own Mark Sichel and is a gold mine. It's full of compassionate, concrete and constructive ways of dealing with familial ruptures. You can view it on www.marksichel.com and get it through amazon.com if you so wish. I ordered it; read it and refer to it often as a guide and a means to get past issues with my own family. Indeed, my journey of self discovery has opened up another branch in the road as a result of reading his book.
I hope to see you here often as we both grow in our recovery.
Shalom!

[Kahlia]

Originally Posted by MarkSichelCSW

I too have received great support from Al Anon in dealing with family drinking and abuse and have learned that there's no point in "patching things up" if you're only going to get abused again.

Mark said it so well....I, too have an alcoholic family member and they cannot change at this time. I CHOOSE to do the changing in my life. I have found that the enabler is even more difficult to deal with than the alcoholic....in this case, MY mother. She is the total Vicitm in everything....that is the only way she can get attention....it is so sad BUT I have chosen to go on with my life and NOT let them ruin it by me LETTING them ruin it.......I hope you get to a meeting and can let go of this issue as it will only get better if THEY want it to......many Blessings to you.......Kahlia

[Kahlia]

Originally Posted by historyteach

missexpat;
Alanon is a great avenue for you to explore. There are meetings world wide. Here on SR, the alanon forum is called Friends and Families of Alcoholics. Please do check it out. You will receive much support and advice. Be sure to read the stickys on top. There's loads of wisdom to be gleaned from it; wisdom based in experience.
There's another source of information and support for you easily available. A book, titled Healing from Family Rifts. It is written by our own Mark Sichel and is a gold mine. It's full of compassionate, concrete and constructive ways of dealing with familial ruptures. You can view it on www.marksichel.com and get it through amazon.com if you so wish. I ordered it; read it and refer to it often as a guide and a means to get past issues with my own family. Indeed, my journey of self discovery has opened up another branch in the road as a result of reading his book.
I hope to see you here often as we both grow in our recovery.
Shalom!

History Teach-I also read Mark's book and it helped me immensley.....Thank you for suggesting it, I forgot......Kahlia