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05-11-2005, 04:30 AM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Loving Life and LVNitUP!  Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Currently out of my mind
Posts: 23
| I'm a hazard to myself!
Hi...I am pretty new here and pretty new to reaching out to others for help and support.....so please be gentle. Not only am I dealing with the fact that I am an alcoholic (which I have known for years but did nothing about it)....I have battled anorexia/bulimia for over 13 years, but finally won that fight 5 years ago....yea!! Though I always have to keep that in check not to let it rear it's ugly head again! And let me not even get into the physical, sexual, emotional, mental abuse crap from my childhood that keeps me emotionally unavailable...so my therapist says. From my understanding it should be all about perception....right? I have also been a self-mutilator since the age of 12...I am now 34!! I thought that I put the razor blades away for good, also about 5 years ago when I cut so deeply that I no longer have feeling in my left arm. That scared me pretty good, but not good enough I guess since I have returned to the razors and the dripping blood as my comfort.....it's how I cry. I understand how the endorphins work when we release tension and stress through physical pain....I have done all of the research. So why can't I stop? When I am feeling that low and that helpless/hopeless...I am not myself. The smart person....that I can be, could tell you and myself that this is "silly" behavior and does not solve anything....but the child does not understand this concept. I don't know how to control this....or is that just it...I am in control when I choose to feel the pain?...or not! Endless cycle of stupidness....perhaps I should just grow up!! Any ideas? I know, I know....call a friend, go for a drive/bike ride, get to a meeting, write in a journal, PRAY!! Any others that might actually work? I am angry with myself for not taking care of me....does that make any sense? Of course it does....we are all sick here, trying to get better! This I have to say....God has a sense of humor!! Again, if you respond....please be gentle....I really am trying! Pink said it best.....Don't let me get me, I'm a hazard to myself!! |
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05-11-2005, 05:41 AM
| #2 (permalink) |
| Addiction Expert Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: NY,NY
Posts: 14
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You're the only one who can stop yourself from being a hazard and writing this post is a good step for you. I would consider one or all of the following: 1. More meetings and more "orthodox" 12 step program work. 2. Medication 3. Re-evaluating your work in therapy. There's no magic unfortunately. Your self destructive side is strong and you've got to make the side of you that's committed to healing even stronger. I suggest meetings and AA work first because you can get such positive & consistent support there. I have no doubt your healthy side can win!
__________________ Mark Sichel, LCSW www.marksichel.com www.psybersquare.com |
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05-11-2005, 06:43 AM
| #3 (permalink) |
| Loving Life and LVNitUP! Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Currently out of my mind
Posts: 23
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Thanks....I really do appreciate your info. But you know what is funny? You hear about kids/teens cutting themselves but it is said that the behavior stops by their late 20's.....who is doing this research? I started cutting, pulling hair out, punching walls, setting things on fire, etc... way before it was ever even sopke about in 'public'. I think there needs to be some more research done on this issue, because it is very real for adults as well as children....it just does not go away simply because you've had a birthday. There just isn't the support out there for adults...we are simpy seen as freaks! I know that I am not a freak....just a woman who has not yet learned how to cope with life in a healthy manner. Thanks Mark for your reply, And you are right....AA would be very helpful (for the alcoholism) if I could manage to drag myself there. Medication....already taking Lithium, Neurontin, Lamictal and Lexapro daily. Ambien at night to sleep without nightmares....I think I'm in a good mood, but how would I know? And then there is the therapy. I think she is wonderful at what she does but after 6 years I think she has given up on me....and I do not feel that I need to pay someone by the hour to just chit-chat with me. Perhaps it's time to find another. But the problem with that is starting over...telling the whole story AGAIN!! I have been in therapy since I was 5...I don't remember why, I was just told that I stopped talking for 6 months. After 30 therapists I quit counting, I can't even remember all of their names...and I am sure they don't remember mine! Can't they just transfer files like all the other great doctors of the world? Do you know of any support groups for adult mutilators (I really hate that word) online? |
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05-11-2005, 06:53 AM
| #4 (permalink) |
| Let go and let God Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: illinois
Posts: 116
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Wow. That is alot to deal with livn. I cant imagine what you are going through. It must be beyond a nightmare. It sounds like you have alot of courage. You are here and you want help. Those are great steps. I dont really have any advice. I just want to lend you my support and prayers. Do you go to church? I dont mean to sound like a "bible thumping" christian but I do believe that only by the grace of God can we truly be healed. There is a solution out there. Dont give up and keep looking for it. God bless. Jeff
__________________ It is not important how short life is but how long eternity is!!!!  |
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05-11-2005, 08:08 AM
| #5 (permalink) |
| Stepping Through Recovery!  Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Bamaland
Posts: 15
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LVNitUP, Your behavior doesn't seem to be very childish, it seems to be another symptom of your addiction. My addiction is a disease and it wants to kill me anyway it can. I found AA/NA the guide to my Higher Power, who is the only one that can tame that beast inside of me. My disease manifest itself in all areas of my life, not just drinking and using. My HP is the only one that can help. You mentioned that your theripist is just chit-chating. Your sponsor can do more than that to help you use the program to it's maximum potential. It sounds like you need a theripist that is more knowledgable about the issues you have. My heart hurts for you and I will be praying for you.
__________________  BAMAMOMMA |
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05-12-2005, 02:06 AM
| #6 (permalink) |
| Loving Life and LVNitUP! Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Currently out of my mind
Posts: 23
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Thanks Jeff and slic64 for your replies!! I am a very spritual person though I do not go to church....can't seem to find one that is truly about fellowship and trying to walk more like Jesus. I have found that they are more about politics and how much money I make and if I am giving them my full 10% or not. I am not knocking church, just stating my experiences. Yet, I have a very special relationship with God on my own, but somehow I have forgotten to nurture it. I have prayed hard in the past for answers and peace in life....without any reply. Only to finally realize that it was me that truly was not listening....go figure!! Well, I am listening now....better late than never! Went back to the therapist AGAIN...to work on my emotional unavailability or 'dead/numb to the world' syndrome as she calls it....'the living dead'. Which is determined by some sort of 'check list'.....if you check yes to x amount of questions than this is what you 'are'! I'm telling you I am in the wrong field....I could do this job!! She says....'you had a BAD childhood'. Really? Do you think so? So has just about everyone else in life....now, can we move past that and get more into what I can do about it today, because that is really more of what I am concerned with? I do not need to rehash the past...I was there....I remember, at least all that I need or care to! Anyway, I am doing better.....going back into detox for what I hope will be the final round and no more self-injuries. There's just got to be a better way of living....and I am going to find it!! With God on my side....I just can't go wrong!! Thank you for your kindness...good people...*smile* |
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05-12-2005, 03:02 AM
| #7 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: london
Posts: 2
|  I think it's wonderful that you are getting help with your addictions, I have just joined this forum today and I think that just talking to others that understand helps with the pain. The only support that I know of apart from AA is a group called "needus" I am not sure what area you live in but you can look them up on the internet.Anyway good luck to you and I hope you recieve all the help you need! |
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05-12-2005, 08:06 AM
| #8 (permalink) |
| Addiction Expert Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: NY,NY
Posts: 14
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I know there are online groups for cutters. I had a client who was helped by one and got support from a number of members of that community. Unfortunately I'm not in touch with that client and I don't remember the name but do some web searches & I'm sure you'll find support.
__________________ Mark Sichel, LCSW www.marksichel.com www.psybersquare.com |
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05-12-2005, 08:34 AM
| #9 (permalink) | |
| Let go and let God Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: illinois
Posts: 116
| Quote:
I am the same about rehashing the past. I just want to know what to do about it. I havent reconciled that in my brain yet. When you figure it out, let me know. lol . I am glad to hear that you are listening again. He will help you. Thanks and good luck Jeff
__________________ It is not important how short life is but how long eternity is!!!! | |
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05-12-2005, 09:26 AM
| #10 (permalink) | |
| Putting it all together  Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: St. Louis, MO.
Posts: 469
|  Quote:
A Child.......by Kahlia PLEASE READ......BLESSINGS to you.....Kahlia
__________________ To be idle is a short road to death-to be diligent is a short road to life-BUDDAH We are defined by moments we cannot reclaim........ | |
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05-14-2005, 01:31 AM
| #11 (permalink) |
| trying to mend  Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Where the Wild Things Are
Posts: 71
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LVNitUP, All churches are not political, nor money hungry. Please keep searching. You will know when you have found where you belong and are accepted. Don't be like the person who refused to go to church with a bunch of hypocrites, never realizing that he was condemning himself to an eternity in hell with them. A worship service is not just a santuary for Christians, but is a hospital for sinners. It is where we go to get better, to get stronger, to heal, and to grow. The Lord is on your side. He will lead if you will follow. |
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06-05-2005, 01:31 AM
| #12 (permalink) | |
| No expectations!  Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 7,916
| Quote:
Hey! I think that SSRIs such as Lexapro are part of this problem. They just numb a person out emotionally. I remember seeing a dog get hit in the road right in front of me and it barely phased me. I was on Celexa at the time which is essentially the same as Lexapro. With the medication regimen I'm on today, I'm still kind of that way, not as bad, though. When I had my Patsy put to sleep last month, I cried and cried for the first time in ages. Medications certainly aren't the whole picture, but, hey, I'm a pharmacist, so I tend to focus on them for some reason. LOL. I take naltrexone now primarily for opiate addiction, but it's used in alcoholics as well and...get this...in self-harmers! May be an option to discuss with your doctor. In addition to the meds I'm on, though, I still go to a therapist AND I work Steps with a sponsor. I'm with Mark. I think a solid 12-Step program could do you a world of good. I even know people who've worked a First Step specifically on self-harm! You know you're in my thoughts! Take care! Love and hugs, Eddie
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06-09-2005, 03:15 PM
| #13 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Orlando Florida
Posts: 11
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Hi LVN... It's me Mark, we met at the meeting last night... I'm glad I found this thread you posted, it's helped me more understand SI from your past expereinces with it... I know there are a lot of older cutter's out there, I have another friend who is older and has a past doing this, and I am convinced that there are many others too... I've noticed that the teens and 20's cutting seem to be more able to talk about it than people of our generation, maybe because in todays society the young people strive to be different, and the more radical the better it seems like sometimes..? But in our generation, one rarely discussed SI, or no one ever really knew about it, but certainly one hid such a thing as well as possible, unlike some of the young people today that seem to openly show off these scars and cuts, for reason's I don't understand... I think this is why fewer 30-45 yr olds with SI are willing or able to talk openly about it... But I agree with you that there really needs to be a place for them, I think it's really important... Before 6 months ago, I didn't know what cutting or SI was..? Now I have a few friends who I've found out have been doing this, and I've gotten really involved with this form of adiction, and am trying to learn all that I can about it... I think SI is one of the very worst adictions of all... With alcohol and drugs you can stop and you may not be reminded of it very often, but with SI the scars of past cuts and burns are a constant reminder of your adiction, and continue to cause pain, and never seem to go away... I really feel for your story, and your in my prayers from now on... I am exactly where you are spiritually too, I haven't found a good church I think will offer the support I need with my alcohol recovery, and I'm looking too... I'm also trying really hard right now to stregthen my own spiritual walk with God on a personal level, and thats helping me alot right now... So please take care, and msg me if ever I can help with anything... Mark
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06-09-2005, 03:30 PM
| #14 (permalink) |
| No expectations! Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 7,916
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Thanks for posting, Mark, and welcome to SR! Did you see LVNitUP around here last night? She tends to hang out in chat, right? I just hadn't seen her in a few days and was wondering. My computer set-up doesn't allow me to chat easily. Thanks! Love and hugs, Eddie  |
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06-09-2005, 04:21 PM
| #17 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Orlando Florida
Posts: 11
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My keypad acts up too Eddie, for like 3 minutes after I login to chat I can't type anything..? I think it takes a while to load that program or something..? But yeah, the meetings here are always really positive, and usally a lot of fun.... 
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06-10-2005, 05:03 PM
| #19 (permalink) | |
| Putting it all together Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: St. Louis, MO.
Posts: 469
| Quote:
__________________ To be idle is a short road to death-to be diligent is a short road to life-BUDDAH We are defined by moments we cannot reclaim........ | |
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06-10-2005, 08:14 PM
| #20 (permalink) |
| No expectations! Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 7,916
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LVNitUP??? Where you at, girl? Kahlia, Do all people who self-harm necessarily have BPD? 'Cause I used to do it and it was suggested that I was borderline in the past, but I never bought into that diagnosis for myself. Are you aware of any other disorders of which self-harm is a symptom? I should know the answer to this given my profession and studies, but I'm curious to ask you because of a couple of your posts. Thanks! Love and hugs, Eddie
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06-14-2005, 05:51 AM
| #21 (permalink) |
| Loving Life and LVNitUP! Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Currently out of my mind
Posts: 23
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Hey eddie....I've been around...hope you are doing well and that we can catch up soon! Kahlia, I would never expect you to apologize for being honest. I can tell you that I do not have BPD, however I am Bi-Polar and I'm being treated medically for that...and it is working very well. When I wrote that post I was upset and frustrated, disappointed with myself and my progress....just basically depressed. I am glad to hear that your sponsor not longer hurts herself, but if you or she for that matter thinks that there is a "cure" for the disease you are both mistaken. It is an addiction, and just like any other addiction there is no "cure"...there is only recovery! I applaud you for your 5 years clean...big accomplishment! I am also very happy to hear that you like yourself and would never consider hurting yourself. But let me also add the whatever your drug of choice was....was YOUR way of hurting yourself. Just in a different manner, my friend. Wishing you a wonderful day! PEACE |
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06-26-2005, 03:21 AM
| #23 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: UK
Posts: 60
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There is diffrent personality disorders out there Borderline,schizoid i forget the others. People can cut for all sorts of reason not just because they are BPD,SPD,PPD. Im pretty much the same as livin,i had abusive past which alot of BPD seem to stem from abusive childhoods, but saying that not all i have met have had total bad childhood, trauma can set it off aswell or basicaly not been brung up correctly. I started cutting from age 13 when i started to have a eating disorder and anxiety problem which i still suffer from now 20 years on. as kahlia said there is alot of forums out there for BPD or other personality disorders and SI suffers, which can help alot. I am at stage where i was better and it was controled but now trauma has brung a bad episode of my BPD traits. I want to sort my head and first step is the drinking.. anyway i think ive said to much. i hope livn things work out for you as i do relate alot to what your going through im same age as you. |
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06-27-2005, 07:10 PM
| #25 (permalink) |
| Not all better, getting better  | Some sites that may help
Some on-line self injury support sites..... http://www.sisupport.org/ http://www.selfharm.net/ http://www.cyberinfo.com/selfharm.htm http://www.healthyplace.com/Communit...f_Injury/Site/ http://www.siari.co.uk/ Hope maybe some of these help!!
__________________ Peace and Love, Tyler "I used to do a little but a little wouldn't do it so a little got more and more. I just keep tryin' to get a little better, said a little better than before." Mr. Brownstone G-n-R Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh  |
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