about sponsoring...

[buffyrls]

Are there any good resources, ie. books, websites, etc., regarding sponsoring others? I have a challenging sponsee and would appreciated any recommendations. Thanks.

[Paulie]

I am not Guy, but when I have a challenge with a sponsee...I usually start by asking my sponsor what she thinks.

Just a thought. And welcome to SR.

[SarahTonin]

Yes, I am in a talkative mood today. I have a question that I'm going to piggyback onto this to ask. I don't get the point of sponsers. Please explain them to me. Why can't, if you're going to go to 12-step meetings, you just talk to everyone and get feedback from everyone? Why a sponser? I'd think it'd be better to use everyone as a resource, not just one person. And, if you are going to be a sponser, why ask your sponser what do to when you are sponsering someone? Why not make your own decisions? Just curious.

As I said in a previous thread, I'm really not trying to be rude, I just don't understand the thought process that goes on. It seems to - I don't know - sheep-like to me. It seems that everyone is following everyone else. Am I wrong?

[Paulie]

No I don't think you are wrong at all. (Look at me just taking over Guys forum here).

As for me in my own experince, i would much rather follow people in recovery than using people like I used to.


Yes it is a good idea to use everyone you meet in recovery as support and a resource of some kind. I try to. But a sponsor is someone to work the steps with you. for me I asked my sponsor to be my sponsor cause she has what I strive for. Peace, a sense of self, respect for herself, a strong relationship with a HP...among other things.

And when I have an issue with a sponsee the first thing I do is go to my sponsor because I respect her and admire her as a person and as a sponsor but that does not mean that I don't talk to others in the program that also sponsor.

Personally I would never bring up a situation with a sponsee at meeting level, because we are all human in the rooms and sometimes it jsut might not come out right and in a small area like I live people usually know who sponsors who and some issues are meant to be private.

I trust my sponsor to always be straight and honest with me even if I don't like the answer she may have. When coming into recovery I didn't trust other women, I had been lied to and cheated by other women, building a relatinship with a woman sponsor has helped me to get past all that and helped me to learn how to be friends with other women.

My current sponsor is my 3rd sponsor....and so far the one I work with best, that does not discount the previous 2's program....I just fit best with this one at this time in my life and I was brought to her after my 2nd sponsor relapsed.

[SarahTonin]

Don't understand sponsers. I understand having friends you can trust and talk to, but I don't understand the whole 'sponser' thing. Friends, yes, sponsers, no.

I also don't understand how something like AA can work if alcholism is a disease. For a disease one takes medicine. How is a 12-step meetting medicine? I understand it's helpful to talk to people, but if I'm diabetic, talking to people won't help - I'll need insulin.

I just don't understand the whole concept, I suppose. I guess I'm just much more of a private person.

[LucyUK]

jumping in here... Sarah, IME for many people the physical withdrawal symptoms can be treated with meds if appropriate (and depending on the severity) but the mental addiction faced by many alcoholics cannot be treated that way.

The point of a sponsor, to me, is to develop a close and honest relationship with someone who knows everything about you, your drinking, and can offer suggestions on how to help/move forward. Like a sponsee, a sponsor also hears many different things in meetings and ways to deal with issues that perhaps they didn't face individually (there are always slight variations in experiences, its the emotions that are more similar - again JME) and having been sober and worked the steps themselves, the sponsor is well-placed to give advice. Some people have more than one sponsor (though maybe only a handful at most) but you need to be honest with them and not hold back, for the relationship to work. If that sounds too difficult because you are more private by nature, well all I can say is that many alcoholics are private (read = secretive!) but when one hits bottom and becomes desperate enough to do whatever it takes to not drink again, then being honest with one other person doesn't seem so hard.

good luck

[losttofreedom]

I felt much like you in past attempts at getting clean/sober. I am a private person as well. But I realized that if I had been able to get clean on my own I would have. If I were to just keep to myself like I was used to then what was I changing in my life.
And, that is where a sponsor comes in. Mine told me that there was only one thing I had to change in sobriety and that is EVERYTHING. A sponsor guides you through the steps and your recovery. A sponsor is someone who knows things about you that you might not feel comfortable sharing at a meeting.
I love hearing newcomers share at meetings. Would I want a newcomer giving me advice on how to work my fourth step? Um,no.
Everything I thought I knew when I first came in the rooms, I know differently now. Your thinking and emotions evolve as time passes. Working closely with an individual that you have face to face time with is a totally different experience than sharing in a room full of people.
Try reading the AA book Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions or the NA book It Works: How and Why. Not only are they great books but they will help answer your questions. Ask the literature person at a meeting and they will set you up with one.
Take Care.


It is not necessary to change. Survival is not mandatory.
- W. Durning

[pedagogue]

To address the first question (why a sponsor and not just the group), the buck needs to stop somewhere. If a person needs someone to talk to...the group is great, but how do you choose? A sponsor allows for stability (which is NEEDED in recovery).

As for why sponsors are used.....I think it is important to build a relationship with someone who doesn't have a collection of perceptions and memories of you. It is a 'fresh' start which allows them to be more objective. A sponsor can turn into a friend, but above all...they are your sponsor.

-pedagogue