Need Help

[Scorpio007]

Hi I'm an addict. I don't get a chance to attend meetings because of my work schedule.I like to start off by saying, I had 15yrs sobriety. I relasped after my husband left me. It seems I just can't get my life on track. I have 3 months clean now My life is real unmanageable. I suffer from real low self esteem. I don't think I'm worthy. I allow people I like to take advantage of me. I have a fear of abandonment. My abandonment issue come from my childhood. I look for love in all the wrong places. I don't know how to love myself I'm good at fixing the outside of me, while the inside of me is in pain.

I don't think I'm attractive, when a attractive man talks to me, I feel I have to buy him, for him to see my worth. Eventually I allow myself to be used then I get angry. I was in a real dysfunctional relationship, I have to let go this person has no respect for me. He has his own issue of self esteem ETC. I'm the type of person who doesn't know how to let go. I love to hard and deep. I'm celibate as of now. I know I'm not ready for any type of relationship. I'm afraid to love out of fear of being hurt. These are some of the things that lead me to my addicton 15 yr ago. I had no clue, I had these issue until a couple of years ago. I have a sponsor, sometimes I won't talk to her because of my issues. My sponsor is a good person I quess it's shame.

I have no problem telling you all about me, because you can't see my face.This makes it easier for me to open up. I know I need help. I've started my first step on line, can't seem to find the website. The Website was erased off of my PC by accident. The site also had the Basic text. I tried searching the web no luck. I have control issue, I like to be right all of the time, I hate constructive criticism. I 'm learning to listen when someone is telling me something for my own good. I can sometime be in denial. I'm my worst critic.
I need help, thanks for listening.

[MarkSichelCSW]

Dear Scorpio007
You/re struggling with many issues and you need to learn to take your recovery one day at a time. If you can get to one AA meeting, or one online meeting, or have one discussion with your sponsor, you can build on that and over time learn to integrate AA into your life. You should be pleased with yourself for being sober.....but you really need support.

If its too hard to talk face to face, you can always find help online, either here in this forum or you could even consider getting some online therapy. Real time in person therapy would be even better.

I think your central problem with self esteem is a history of trying to change others.....particularly your husband and the reality is ....the only person you can change is yourself. If you try to change others, you'll fail and your self esteem then plummets.

So please get more help. You really sound like you not only need it but deserve it too.

[Scorpio007]

Thank you Mark
Tell me were can I get online help? I wk alot so I'm not able to attend many meeting. I'm here as much as possible to get what I need. You are so right I try to change people and the only one I can change is myself. This site is a God sent. I say that so manY times. I feel so much better when I able to share about me. I'm not good at sharing face to face. It seems to work better for me, being here so far until I get a foundation. I'm going to reread what you wrote again. I know I have abandonment issue, trust. I'm very controlling trying to control the outcome. Thank you so much

[MarkSichelCSW]

I think your best bet is to do some online searching under the subjects addiction treatment, AA meetings online, cyber or online psychotherapy and explore your options. I wish I could make specific recommendations but you've really got to explore what's out there.

I know its hard to get to meetings real time and its hard for you not just because of schedule but because of difficulties speaking face to face as well. If however you can find any way to get to more meetings and work the program, that would be the best.

[Scorpio007]

Thank you for your suggestions. I will search the web. I will work my progarm to the best of my ability

[Bozo]

Just curious about something and I do not want to add to your burden.

Do you need to work as many hours as you do?

I do not need to know why you have to work long hours.

I have used work many times over the year as a place to hide from my feelings and emotions and relationships.

Even after 17 years of recovery work, sometimes I still find an escape by going to work.

Good luck, you seem like a really nice person. I just hope you know there are people in this world that care about other people and want to help them to get better.

Dont forget prayer, it helps!!

[Scorpio007]

Hi Bozo
You are right I'm hiding, so I won't get involved with anyone else. I also need money I'm very unmangeable. I'm separated so it just me. There are some things I would like to accomplish. You are on the mark I'm hiding big time. I was crushed deeply when my husband left, he also had a child while we were separated and sleeping with me, that devatated me.

Also I was celibate for three yrs. Found myself in another relationship to find out he was seeing someone else and using me at the same time. So yes I have some real stuff I'm running from.

[Bozo]

A long time ago my first sponsor gave me a medallion that had the above saying on it. At the time I did not understand the meaning.

After many years of beating myself up and continually asking myself, "When will I ever be good enough?", I finally surrendered to my imperfect self and gave up on my stupid ideas of perfectionism. It took a lot of practice and still does to try to not go through the day "perfectly".

Also another huge breakthrough came for me when I finally got to the point that I did not care if other people liked me. They have the freedom to be themselves and so do I.

One of the prayers I use to get through a rough day is, "God I pray not for an easy life, but that I be a strong person." It helps, it really does.

Remember take care of yourself first. We only have one life. Make it a good one. Mike

[Scorpio007]

Thank you Bozo
Your words, was real good advice. I do worry about my imperfections, I worry about how people see me. I always compare myself with other people. I always think I'm not good enough. Thank you for your words of wisdom. Do you know of any free online counseling services ?