End of my Rope...

[PlanetZero]

Hello, I'm new to the group and new to forums in general. I guess I should start by explaining the situation. I have been dating my Girlfriend for just about a year now. When we first started dating, I noticed she was drinking rather excessively (Wine mostly), but I figured we are dating and in a social atmosphere so it's ok. As I grew more and more attached to her, I sat down with her and explained to her how it was a concern of mine. Since then she very rarely drinks, and if she does it's one or 2 glasses of wine max and only on special occasions (She used to polish off large bottles 2-3 times per week). But now I face a new problem. She stays with me often, but she still lives at home with her Mom and Dad. Unfortunately her Mom and Dad dont get along to well and as a result, her Mother is an Alcoholic. My Girlfriend and her mother have a very close relationship and when they are together, the mother always insists that my girlfriend "have a cocktail" while they talk. My Girlfriend loves her mother very deeply and feels sorry for her because she "has no one" due to the troubled relationship between her and her husband. Now there are times when I call My girlfriend, or she calls me, and she is noticably drunk. When I confront her about this, she gets defensive and tells me It's "normal to come home from work and have a drink or two" or "I was just hanging out with my Mom and having a few drinks". I know her mother is the enabler...but I dont know what to do about it.

Thanks in advance for any advice you can offer.

[GuyBlakeKett]

hey PlanetZero -

first of all, welcome to the forum.

I understand your concerns about your girlfriend's drinking, and clearly her mother is not a very good influence here, but the main challenge is that no one who doesn't want to stop drinking WILL stop drinking. They have to think they have a problem; otherwise they won't seek help. (I'd also suggest that your girlfriend's mother is not an alcoholic merely 'because' of her bad marriage: alcoholics tend to be alcoholic no matter how good or bad their circumstances. It's a disease whose origins are almost always deeper & more complex than what happens to be going on around them.)

You're right to express your concerns about all this to your girlfriend, and you might want to suggest that she just sit in on an AA meeting or two to see if she identifies with anything she hears - but if this is really getting under your skin, I'd suggest you check out some Alanon meetings yourself - a 12 step group designed to help give support & guidance to people involved with alcoholics. Alcoholism is self-diagnosed (no other diagnosis helps the alcoholic - again, THEY have to know they have a problem) and AA may help your girlfriend to see if she 'qualifies' - but Alanon will help you to get some very needed perspective on all this yourself, so maybe give it a try. You might want to post what you've posted here on the Alanon thread on this site, too. You'll get some good helpful response there.

again, thanks for your comments & question -

we're pulling for all of you.

best,
Guy