I'm at a loss

[mistletoe]

I've just come to the realization that I may NEVER get out of my addiction to vicodin. Every time I make plans to quit, I fail. I've never had success with 12-step meetings, though I think I will start going starting next week, but I'm feeling hopeless about it. I always seem to sabotage myself. How in the world do you get through the first few days without using? I don't know what to do! I'm at a complete, total loss. I've managed to somehow quit drinking alcohol, and quit using other substances before, but now, at 55, my "oomph" and my ability to keep on going for hours, let alone days, without using has just left me!

I have no insurance and cannot go to rehab. If I could I can see how that would be a really good thing, but I'm stuck out here trying to make it through all by myself, faced with all kinds of possibilities for getting drugs every day. I'm spending way more money than I have on this, and my life has just reached a standstill.

How could meetings possibly help me? I feel so hopeless. I find myself wishing for breast cancer or something that would let me escape this dilemma.

Mistletoe

[GuyBlakeKett]

Dear Mistletoe -

So many of us know what your'e going through: I don't know of any recovering addict who didn't feel the same despair about ever being able to stop 'using' or drinking. The turning point often turned out to BE that despair: when it's bad enough, and you deeply say to yourself: I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! - that's when a new light can turn on in the soul. There's no quick self-help tip about how to stop. You have to want to so badly that you're willing to go to any lengths to put the drug down. It sounds like your desperation right now may turn out to be that kind of gift. I know 12 step meetings can be hard to take (many of us hated them initially, or at least were bewildered by them), but if you could really make a commitment to go daily - and get a sponsor - and really just take it one day at a time - all of which I know must sound like party-line, but it really can help.

The main engine has to be your desire to quit - which it sounds like has intensified to critical mass. Please give NA another try? And remember the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using - even if you're not always able to fulfill that desire. Just keep going to meetings, and get some phone numbers, and talk to other recovering addicts face-to-face. You don't have to do this alone. In fact, you're NOT doing it alone now - simply by posting here. That's a terrific first step.

You may also want to post what you've written here in the NA thread on this site. You'll get a lot of good answering response there.

Pulling for you...

very very best -

Guy