letters....

[lilyrebel]

Dear Mark,

Happy New Year!

This is the first post I've initiated.

A year ago I had a relationship, that only lasted a few months, with a cocaine addict whom I suspect is also an alcoholic. It started as a sweet romance and initially it seemed that we fell in love. But the signs were there. He always made references to cocaine. We'd pass a park and he'd say "That's where we used to score drugs in high school." Or a hospital. "That's the emergency room where everyone went when we all had drug problems.'

Two and half months into our relationship, we had our first quarrel. He showed up drunk at a work party of mine. I forgave him and shortly after he disappeared, later to confess he was on a drug binge. Not sure if it was coke or crack but he said he hadn't slept at all for three days straight.

I broke up with him and refused to negotiate. Told him he needed to get help on his own, that i couldn't help him with that one. He said he didnt' have a problem and the only one he was hurting was himself.

In the course of the following months I sent him two letters. The first was sterile saying that we had a special bond but he needed to get clean and healthy for himself. the second sent letter was more emotional. i told him i wished he could figure out a way not to hurt himself so that one day we could be together again in honesty.

i did give him a second chance last summer when he found me at a party and promised to see a doctor He said he wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.But it was all talk because he left me the next week and ended up committing to another woman who can live with his drugs.

Thing is that I ran into him months ago and he told me he reads my letters every day. he seemed bitter but also on the verge of tears. i detached , kissed his cheek and said 'i just want the best for you.' Then i said goodbye. And he hasn't sought me out since that evening. (He used to purposely run into me.)

A couple questions: Can someone stay awake for three days straight (no sleep) just by snorting coke or is it probably crack? And did my letters really make any difference? Was it an effective means to influence an addict you love? ( I did love him.) Or was he just using the letters to manipulate me, draw me back in?

i would like to think that in his world where friends (and probably) this girlfriend ignore his problem, that my honesty and tough love in the letters might one day help him, even if i'm long gone. (I also wonder if this girl uses since he's a binger. if not, she's Florence Nightengale. She's anorexic skinny.)

Please note: He once said to me "Drugs are a part of who I am." But he also was deeply troubled and guilty about his drug use at times. His father is a wealthy mogul who also has a coke problem. And my ex has a love hate relationship with him.

And strangely my ex is very successful as well so he's not threatened by lack of money to support his habits. And we both work in an industry where people accept drugs (coke especially) as part of the lifestyle, which i find increasingly sad.

Thanks in advance for your reply Mark.

This has bothered me for some time now. I tried to do the right thing. And it broke my heart.
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[MarkSichelCSW]

I dont know if someone can stay awake 3 nights on cocaine or if it's crack. This guy is a serious addict and psychopath and his drugs mean more to him than anyone could. When he said "drugs are part of who I am" it was a warning to get away from him.....he's got not interest in getting help. You did do the right thing. Sometimes that can break your heart. I certainly understand about the sadness seeing cocaine all around you. It must be very difficult.

Focus on doing the right thing for you. That will be helpful to you and anyone you care about. You're doing great and shouldn't beat yourself up for your involvement with this guy but you know in your heart when someone is an addict and you need to stay away for your own protection.

[lilyrebel]

Hi Mark,

Thank you for the quick reply. A mutual acquaintance (who also has abused cocaine) told me that his current girlfriend said "He's fine now." And that she got together with him at the tail end of his addiction. i find that hard to believe since he said "Drugs are a part of who I am" when he had just left me and was going away with her. It's a viscious circle when you work around addicts. The lies abound but I doubt that he took up with this woman and was ClEAN PRESTO!!! It made me feel for a minute, well, i wasn't willing to help him and along came this woman who made it all right. Made him feel safe enough to get clean.

Thanks again Mark! Your forum has been incredibly helpful.