What to make of this?

[Cadence57]

I hope you don't mind that this is not and alcohol or drug abuse related question, I'm just not quite sure of what to make of this.

A little background first.
My ex is a "dry drunk" - very controlling and borderline abusive. He accused me of cheating on him when we were married (not true) and did things like disabling my vehicle so that I couldn't leave the house when he wasn't there. He got custody of our three daughters when they were 5, 6 and 8 yrs of age - not by any wrong-doing on my part (unless low self esteem and feeling that I didn't deserve, or was incapable of taking care of them, is considered "wrong-doing").

My daughter J is now 18 - she's the "middle child." When she was in 8th grade I found out that she had been talking about suicide to her friends. I contacted her school counselor and discussed it with him, tried to talk to her dad about it (he blew it off), and then I went for a walk with her to talk to her about it. She was very distant and angry with me, but she didn't really have anything to say about it. I tried to be supportive and I told her that no problem is permanent and if she ever needs to talk, I'm always here. I tried to get her dad to take her to counseling but he declined.

Then a couple of years ago I was cleaning her room and came across a letter that she wrote to a friend in which she stated that she SAW me having sex with someone when I was still married to her dad (NOT true!!). I'm thinking that she overheard him talking and somehow incorporated what he was saying into a "memory"

She used to steal from her sisters and me frequently. Little things usually (cologne, shirts, etc). Last week she stole a total of $60 from her sisters. Another time, she stole a cell phone - everyone KNEW she did it but she denied it.

Then, yesterday, I was signing up for an online Co-De group at msn when I noticed she was logged in. OK, it was wrong, but because she seems to be having some issues, I went and looked at her email. Nothing terrible in there, but I did find out that she has a public weblog. Because she is such a distant and uncommunicative person, I looked at it to see what she's up to... I kinda wish I hadn't now, but that's besides the point.

I found that she subscribes to an anorexic group (pro-ana) and she LIES terribly - saying that she's anorexic (she's definitely not - she eats well and is a good weight). For some odd reason, she wants to identify with and be identified with anorexics. She also made a remark about wanting to cut her wrist and watch it bleed... She said she'd been raped (???) which, to the best of my knowledge is also not true. I found all of this to be incredibly disturbing. I don't understand why she lies, why she wants people to feel sorry for her and why she'd want that kind of negative attention.

Her dad is a habitual liarl - most of what he lies about is petty stuff - saying he did something or went somewhere when he didn't. Saying he's sick or has to work to get out of going somewhere, etc. I don't know if she sees how he gets attention and is doing the same thing or...????

She's always been "the good kid" - she did well in school, was always where she was supposed to be, always called if she was going to be someplace else, always calls to see if there's anything I need before she comes over, etc. etc. etc. I've let her know that I appreciate her thoughtfulness.
But, according to the various notes I've found over the years, and now this weblog, she seems to absolutely hate me and worship her dad. Evidently, I can do no right, and he can do no wrong. I sort of understand that - after all, in her eyes, I cheated on him and then abandoned them (I live less than a mile away and have always "been there" for them for everything - which is more than I can say about their dad) I've tried to always keep my opinion of their dad to myself when they're around because I don't want to influence them with my feelings about him. I know that she has heard her older sister talk about her dad (they have a very adversarial relationship) and I know she's heard me talking to her sister about him - most of which consists of me trying to explain his behaviour towards her - but I TRY to keep it fair and not trash him... can't say I've always been successful but I can say I've tried.

So... what's the question? I don't know. I guess I just want to understand why she's lying about who she is, why she lies about me, why she steals... and, of course, what I can do about it or say to her to help. She's 18 now and I'm really afraid of what will happen if she doesnt' start getting "real" with herself.

Thanks in advance for your words of wisdom...

[MarkSichelCSW]

Your daughter is having serious problems and is asking for help. At the same time, when you reach out to her, she doesn't talk to you. The lie about anoerixia is, I believe, her way of saying that she's emotionally starving. All I can suggest is that you offer her help in getting to speak with someone.....and try, as difficult as it is, to not criticize her or confront her lying because she'll deny it and it will get you no where.

Also...she's 18 and it sounds like she's an immature 18. I have 4 kids 16-28 and I will tell you, adolescence is really difficult and my experience is that as kids get older, they get "better"....so, at least she won't stay 18 indefinitely.

And don't blame yourself for her problems or try to fix them. Just let her know you're there if she wants to talk and you'll help her if she wants to see a therapist or psychiatrist. It's easy for us as parents to blame ourselves and really, we all do our best with our kids and so did you, I"m sure.

Hopefully she'll grow up and take better care of herself and build a positive life.

[Cadence57]

Thanks Mark,
I'm afraid that, if I say something, she will just become angrier at me for snooping in her weblog.

She has said (repeatedly in her weblog) that no one cares about her... that we (her parents) don't care. I can see where she may feel as though she is starving for affection.

I feel so helpless here - no matter what I do, it will be the wrong thing. I don't know how to approach her with this.

PS - and, yes, she is a very immature 18 year old - emotionally.