Recently relapsed ex-Girlfriend

[chrispgh]

Guy,
My ex-girlfriend and I broke up about a month ago. We had been seeing each other for over four years. For the first two, I didn't want to commit to her. My mother was fighting cancer, and I wanted my time to go there. Susan, my ex, understood that. Near the end of the first two years, her mother suddenly passed away. She was obviously devastated so I backed off a little. My mother died shortly there after. Her mother died in April, mine in May. I can't remember if we got closer or further apart during that time suprisingly. In October, Susan didn't show up for work. When I called around for her, no one knew where she was. I searched and found out she was in jail. She was cashing bad checks. When I saw her the next day, she confessed to me she was supporting a terrible heroin addiction. It started with oxy's and progressed to heroin. She had been addicted for over a year. When she told me, I asked if she was ready for help. She said yes and I got her into a program sponsored by our work. When she got out of rehab, things were very difficult for her at her home. Her sister was still an active user. I had her move in with me. At that time, I wanted to let her know that throughout the last couple years, I really did love her and now that she was starting a new life, I wanted to be a bigger part of it. So, we had a committed relationship.
For the first few months, everything was going well. She was clean, I was taking her to meetings every night, and we were enjoying each other completely. As the months went on, she started to complain that I was too controlling. Maybe I was, but I was really having a hard time trusting her. As time went on, I think she sensed we needed a break. So, in June of 2002 she left me. Our relationship wasn't working out, and she had another addict interested in her from a meeting. Well, after a couple months she called me, we talked and she and I started hanging out again. A couple more months went by and we were back together (2003).
There were still clear problems. Her behaviors (lying, being sneaky, etc) were not changing. We both realized though we were better together than apart. So, we toughed it out. She even moved out again, but we remained together with me at my house, and her at her Dad's. As the summer came along this year, she started really acting unacceptable. She would go away to her family campground for the weekend and not come home when she said she was. She wouldn't even call. This was very typical of her (irresponsible behavior) but not this often. Every time she did something like that, I raised an issue about it. She quit her job at the end of the summer and started some classes on horticulture. This really energized her. She was sooo excited to be doing something she wanted to do, I thought this would be the answer for us. As a month went by, our problems persisted. In the last week of September, she confessed to me that she had started smoking pot again. She did that at her campground with friends. Although she felt horrible about it, she continued to go there. Well, finally I had called her on it. I told her she had to re- approach her recovery or I couldn't sit around and watch her fall again. During that conversation, she told me she really didn't want to lose me and wanted to re commit to recovery and to me. One week later she said she didn't want to see me anymore and wanted to continue to smoke pot. She also said she hadn't loved me since she had gotten out of rehab almost two years ago. I couldn't believe my ears. I was heart broken. So, after all we had been through together, this was it. Well, a couple weeks ago, her friend called me and said Susan wasn't doing well. She had relapsed on everything. She got kicked out of school. She was in a bad way. Well, instead of calling her, I wrote a letter to her father, anonymously, telling him everything I knew for the last couple years. I didn't do it maliciously. I did it because I wanted him to talk to her. I wanted him to tell her how much he loved her. Maybe that would work. Well, the other day I recieved a sympathy card in the mail. It had no return address on it and wasn't signed. All it said was, "sorry for your loss, my sincere sympathy." As you can see, I'm lost right now. Please read over my posting. Tell me what you see happening in the future for me. Am I going to hear from her if she hits rock bottom? Is it possible she really doesn't love me or is that just her relapse talking? Was it possible that for the two years she was clean, she still had the mind set of an active user? I am sure I looked into her eyes at points and saw the loved coming back to me? Do you think she will demonize me for that letter and never trust me again? I'm soooo lost. Please give me your opinion. I know you can't read the future, but just tell me something.

[GuyBlakeKett]

dear chrispgh -

I can't read the future any more than you can, my friend. All I can tell you is what you surely already know from the rocky history you've chronicled here - which is that you can't control another person's feelings or behavior. I hear your pain and I feel it with you. But the best thing I can advise - and I hope it doesn't sound too 'pat' or simplistic - is that you start going as soon as you can to Naranon or Alanon meetings and sharing what you're going through there. You're the one in pain now - and YOU deserve good treatment (first of all by yourself and by other loving friends whom you can grow to trust - you'll more than likely find them at Naranon or Alanon). From what you've told me, it sounds like it would be a very good idea to keep some distance from all this - which again these groups (naranon & alanon) will help you to do. I confess I don't know what to make of the unsigned sympathy card. But I wouldn't dwell on it or anything else right now. What I would dwell on is your own wellbeing.

Please seek out Naranon or Alanon meetings - and post what you've written to me on the Naranon thread on this site. You need support and love and guidance and help right now - and you're best advised to seek it in places you're likely to find it, which these 'places' are.

Pulling for you -
with prayers -

Guy