Frustrated, need to help son

[bluebugsy]

I am a mother of a 19 year old son. He lives at home and has been doing drugs since the age of 13 that I am aware of. Over the years I have had him in couseling 5 times, drove him to meetings, had him in 2 one week detox hospitals, 1 3 month outpatient program and finally a 9 month in patient program.

I recently moved from FL to TN and he stayed behind to live with his girlfriend and her mother. This sounds terrible, but it was the best rest I have had in many years. A few months ago he was kicked out of his girlfriends house and came to live with me again.

He is very sly, he can look at you and have a somewhat normal day, although I can see it in his eyes he is using. He will not work, he will not go to school and well he just lays around all day. Depression is getting the best of him and I don't want him to die. But..I don't know what to do, he needs help. When you talk with my son he will say all the right things...I know I need help, I want help, I don't like my life, but he does nothing to help his life.

At this point my husband and I just do not know what to do. I have a 21 year old that will stay with friends and keep his precious items with him so they will not be stolen. I have hidden as much as I can so it does not get stolen either or pawned.

If anyone can help us I would really appreciate it. It is just some relief to write it out here and feel some hope.

Thank you Cindy

[khumbu]

Dear Cindy,
I have never been involved in on line discussions but have had such a horrible time lately with a problem not unlike yours, that I have been using internet resources. I came across your letter and wanted to respond.

Our situation is somewhat like yours. Our high achieving daughter (now 19)brought home her first boyfriend 3 years ago. He was very charming and seemed to fit right in at our home. This was partly because he had no family life or home life to speak of and enjoyed our family life. We knew he was terribley ADHD and in all remedial classes but we didn't see that, in itself, to be a reason to encourage an end to the relationship. He has lived in our home on and off for almost 3 years. Over time, we became suspicious that he was smoking weed and the red flag went up. It seemed that he just really needed someone to care for him and guide him. Sadly, life has not proved to be such an easy equation, as you, no doubt, know.

He failed out of college in NC where he had won an athletic scholarship. He discovered overdraft at his bank and withdrew about $500 for drugs, besides spending what he honestly had. He came back to FL and failed out of community college. That is when we discovered his ability to fabricate stories and shift blame in utterly creative and amazing ways. Lies, lies, lies, but still we believed in his tearful repentances only to have the cycle repeat itself over and over again....for three years! Shame on us!!

After a series of "joe" jobs that he would hold for a few weeks or months, he joined the Army and did very very well in Basic Training, where young soldiers are on virtual lock down, making no decisions on their own, having no free time, and no access to any distractions. AS SOON AS HE GRADUATED FROM BASIC, he was arrested for misdemeanor possession, which, in the military is just about the kiss of death. Next he fell asleep at the wheel of his car, a legitimate accident, but another blow to his convoluted self image. He fell out of the same track his army buddies were on and was going to be sent to another post and then Iraq.
He seems to have NO conscience at all. Money, long range planning, learning from mistakes, moral considerations all seem like foreign concepts to him. He borrowed money, never to repay it, would have fits of rage and then repentence, would act totally impulsively and be verbally abusive to my daughter, but always come back to his need for her and love for her. We had never met anyone like him and were so baffled by his behavior...we WANTED to believe he was like us...desiring to obtain and keep a good character. Finally, my daughter told him he could not call her again and his response was.....to go AWOL, which is a federal charge that can carry jail time. He is going to be dishonorabley discharged, which can affect you all your life....securing of loans, job, security clearence and just a social stigma. We cannot reach him personally but left him a message about the serious repurcussions he was incurring. In just another 2 weeks, if he doesn't return to his Army unit, he can be charged with desertion during a time of war. That is every bit as serious as it sounds....Currently he is termed a fugitive from justice and has a warrant for his arrest! It is unbelievable!

Now that I have vented you can see that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Since your son is not responsive to your desire for him to do well in life, consider channeling your energies where they CAN make a difference. I have read SO MUCH about the destructive power of drugs and behavior disorders, so now I don't feel so powerless and don't feel to blame. Drugs are like a virus, a cancer. Get involved in your community in a constructive way to put out the word that DRUGS DESTROY. You have a POWERFUL story to tell, no doubt, and if you tell it enough times, in enough places, you MAY save someone else's life. Get counselling for yourself and know that YOU OWN YOUR LIFE and must LIVE IT FULLY. All this won't happen in a day, for sure, but EVERYDAY you RECLAIM as YOUR OWN is a step.

If you have a spiritual life, persue it. If you pray, pray hard.

Thank you for listening and I pray that you will enjoy the gift of life YOU have and you recognize as being wonderful.

B

[MarkSichelCSW]

You need to go to Al Anon or Narcot Anon meetings and put the focus on yourself and not your son. You need to not allow your son to live with you and you'll get the support you need if you start going to meetings.