emotional roller coaster

[redrose]

hi mark,

i've written you before, i have broken up with my alcoholic/drug addict bf of four years two months ago and i still feel like i'm an emotional roller coaster.
i have no contact with him and he can't have any contact with me for the last two months, i'm totally ditached from him.

although i have paractice the 12 steps, read "codependency no, more", focusing on myself all the time, going to school full time, working part time, hang out with friends and family all the time, basically doing all the things that are good for me. and yet i'm so fixated on my feelings being with him.

i find myself often missing him so much, the better him, the sober him and missing all of his good qualities and his love and affection. i've dated many men before him for a long time and i never had such a hard time moving on, but it seems like no matter how hard i try getting over him, i'm sucked into feeling what i feel without even having him around. it tempts me want to contact him and talk to him although i KNOW WITH MY EVERYTHING that i don't want to get back together with him ever.

i'm afraid of this emotinal roller coaster of emotions that i have because i don't want to be tempted into calling him or doing something stupid that will suck me back into a relationship with him. how can i feel complet with my decision and move on? i think, i'm so fixated because i feel like at the end i hurt him really hard by cutting everything cold turkey and not looking back, in some ways i feel like he didn't deserve it....and this feeling of guilt although i might have done the right thing, kills me. any advice? tips?

[MarkSichelCSW]

The fact that you're worried about the temptation to call your ex bf is a very good sign because when people are worried about an addictive problem (& you sound addicted to him)....generally their worry & fear prevents them from going backwards & back to the addictive behavior.

It might take more time to realize you did the right thing...the correct thing....to break up with him and that may be the only way to do it. Plus, staying with him his addictions would get worse and worse.

I wish I had some more concrete advice than....TIME IS THE GREAT HEALER....but with time and ongoing work, you'll get over him.

[redrose]

Thanks mark, i guess hearing what i know from a professional it's a comfort. i guess you're right, as cliche as it sounds, time is the greatest healer. i'll give myself more time and try to work on the bad days by letting them slide than going crazy and acting so insane.

you're right, i was addicted to him and it was a feeling that as wonderful as it was, it was very frigthening because every second not having him around was almost like i didn't have air to breath, as extreem as it sounds that's how it felt!!! please explain this concept to me, it really helps me to see the bigger picture when you explain it.

how do people get addicted to people??? what's the core of this reason? is it what codependency is, being addicted to someone else? do only alcoholic and addicts cause others to be addicted to them or it can happen with anyone or is it something in me that causes me to be addicted to people? thank you.

[MarkSichelCSW]

I think addiction to people occurs like any other addiction. The substance or person makes you feel great the first time you encounter them, but the more you get of the person or substance, the worse you feel. Somehow the brain remembers the initial good feeling and tricks you into believing you'll experience that again and again with the person or the substance, but it's just not the case.

[redrose]

hey mark,

i'm still holding strong and giving myself more time to get over the breakup and for the most part i'm doing very good. until i heard the shocking news that he moved in with his ex girlfriend (in another city) and now he is engaged!

it hasn't been three months yet and he's engaged, we've been together for four years and we talked about marriage (at that time i was too clouded to think clearly, but being away from him i know for SURE he is not the man i would ever want to marry) and we had big plans (thanks god for not going through with them), and now he just jumps into another relationship and gets engage??? i don't know if to be mad or relieved...i just feel numb.....

i get that stupid idea every now and then "what was wrong with me? why didn't he want to marry me? what made him want her?" although at the same time i know nothing is wrong with me, it's hard for an addict being with a non addict and having a "normal" relationship without all the nagging and anger and frustrations. I don't know where i'm getting at here, it's just that i feel so cheated and used and hurt and stupid, i feel like he was in it for the ride and now the ride is over he just jumps on another ride, what happened to all the feelings, does it really that easy for him to move on? or there were never a strong feelings anyways (from supressing it with drugs and alcohol)? or he's doing it because he's hurt and looking for comfort elsewhere to feel still wanted and loved? ( i cut it all cold turkey and never looked back).....i don't know mark- any advice or comment would be appreciated. thank you.