Nervous Breakdown #99

[NearlyShattered]

This is my first post to your board so HELLO and thanks for letting me get all of this out. I went to "Ask Jeeves" to search about "How do you know if you are having a nervous breakdown?" I found your forum so here I go I woke up this morning crying, in fact I went to sleep crying. There are combinations of things that are starting to overwhelm me to the point that I am not functioning or capable of carrying out routine daily tasks. Enter: THE PRESCRIPTION MEDICATION(S). Yes, yes......I'm one of those "39" year old housewives who goes to see Dr. Feelgood. First, according to him, I am "nervous"......enter Zanax. Then I am depressed.......enter Zoloft with Zanax........Then I am fat(er) from the antidepresant/eating for comfort, ect......enter Phenterimen ((Oh, almost forgot......a "fat clinic" is giving me this drug, to my Dr.'s opposition, but he STILL thinks I need my "depression" drugs.)) And then, last but surely not least, I take Toperal for my heart......my cardiologist is giving me this for valvular heart disease. Actually, I think it's a broken heart. I've been taking this combination of drugs for almost 2 years. And I don't think they are helping me. I think I am addicted to them. And I like to mix alcohol with the Zanax at times, even though I'm not a big drinker, I have been known to "pull a few." So what's my problem? Everything is jumbled around inside of my head. I can't think straight, I can't concentrate even long enough to read a book or watch tv. I am falling behind in my college course. Juggling 2 jobs. I'm a total wreck. I've been fighting with my husband over junk as trival as "when are you going to fold the socks." ((This is him talking.....heck, they are his socks, let him fold them!!!)) Then I have to deal with the fact that my only child, my 20-year old son is fixing to be deployed to Iraq. I've been dealing with this since March of this year, he is part of the National Guard troops that Mr. GW Bush has ordered to go into a full-time rotation to replace existing troops. 18 months of this. Everyone I see tells me "How sorry" they are that my son has to go. On the outside I have TRIED to keep a cheery face, to smile and tell people don't be sorry, that God will watch over not only him but all of our soldiers. ((You can see I apparently don't watch the News.)) I do believe that this war is bigger than me, not bigger than God. And the only place I can put my son is in God's hands, the only place I can put all the soldiers is in His hands, praying constantly, I have become a prayer warrior. I work during the day and have a part-time job involving bookkeeping and am trying to go to school to study Spanish. So "Hola" to yall out there. On the inside, I am mush. "The tears of a Clown, when no one's around" ......((thanks Smokey Robinson)) I try to think that this is trivial stuff, that there are people out there who are in much greater need than me. I try to believe that God WILL watch over my son, over all of our troops and that he (they) will be fine. I try not to listen to the news and the destruction and mayhem that he is being sent into. I enrolled in a Spanish course to "broaden" my abilities, but to also keep my time occupied. I didn't want to fall in that slump where I take one or two more pills and have a few drinks. Or sleep my life away. THEN, TO ICE THE CAKE.......Over the weekend I was informed there is a "rumor" going around that my husband is having an affair with his best friends niece. Oh, ofcoarse that is not TRUE!!!!! Even though she convenently turns up all of these places he is and has for the last 3 years, they have even worked together for the past 3 years on some sort of school program and he told me he was other places. He knew there were rumors going around like this, that things in the past that have happened have made me question why she hung around all the time when I was not at home. Oh, there's always a "good" excuse why, until now. UNTIL NOW. I have had enough. Of all of this. I go to bed crying, I wake up crying. All I want to do is stay AWAY from PEOPLE!!!! I have no family where I live, they are over 300 miles away from me. So what is going on with me and how do I fix it??? AM I HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN????? Thanks for letting me vent...........As always, I'm NearlyShattered.

[MarkSichelCSW]

Firstly, I have 2 teenage sons, 16 & 17, and I know I would be OUT OF MY MIND UPSET if they were going to Iraq so I completely understand why you feel like you're falling apart in that regard.

You need to work with one doctor & be honest about all your meds & get their help in managing them and deciding if and how you get off them.

I think it would really help you to talk to a therapist. And/or your Pastor. You've got an awful lot on your plate, more than I can do justice answering in an online format.

However...you do have many strengths and areas of functionality so I don't think you're having a nervous breakdown. You are, however, understandbly very upset and need support and someone to talk to.

Please get the help you need,
And my prayers are with your son and you,

Mark

Welcome NearlyShattered,

I'll be praying for your son's safety.

Please feel free to join us on the other forums if you just feel like talking.

Hugs,
MG

[NearlyShattered]

Thank you everyone for such kind words. Last night I went to bed crying my eyes out because, ofcoarse SOMETHING else happened, my 2 year old Blue Healer dog got down on the highway and got ran over and now I have a dead dog. Well, there went mom's best friend. You could ALWAYS count on her for a warm hug or a big sloppy kiss. I could tell her anything, she was always so much comfort when I've been worried just over my son's training. I KNOW God does not put more on you than you can bear. I'm beginning to feel like I resemble JOBE here or something. No matter what, I still have to have my faith. Ofcoarse, when I found out about the dog, I went straight to the Zanax and the liquor. I've slept for 4 hours and woke up crying again. She was my baby. I'd had her since she was 5 weeks old and I had to sleep with her on the basement couch the first 2 nights we had her because she was too little to put in a kennel and we had to fix a better place for her till she got bigger. Yes, we always let her run free. We have 20 acres and usually Blue Healers are very territorial. She had a midnight roaming streak in her sometimes, usually when the moon was full, LIKE NOW.......She would go with me to feed my horses, she loved to go on horse rides, her and my mare were really big buddies, they would run and play together in the field. She'd keep my feet warm over at the barn, just plop down right on top of them. And that puppy never did walk by you when she didn't want to give you a kiss, heck, she would even kiss the horses if you told her "go kiss the horsie, go give her some sugar......" I know, this is silly. That dog loved to play ball more than she loved to eat. It happened sometime in the morning yesterday. I didn't find out till late yesterday afternoon. My husband took me to the top of the mountain where he buried her and I took her ball with me and put it with her. Atleast she has it, she can play ball in heaven. She loved it so much. Yes, there is ALOT on my plate and I agree with Mark, I need to get it straightened out. I saw my dr. the other day and he says I need a psychiatrist. I thought all psychiatrist did was to sit and listen for an hour, write MORE drug prescriptions and then you go back and they give you MORE drugs. Atleast the last one I saw did that. I had to have a therapist to "TALK" to. I guess I will take more Zanax and go back to bed. Again, thank you for all of your kind words...........maybe this time I'm REALLYSHATTERED..........

[duo]

Hello NearlyShattered,
(sorry for the length of this post, but I got a bit carried away)
I wish I could call you by another name that is more fitting to your fighting spirit. There is something in your posts that tells me you are a survivor. My heart goes out to you, it really does. I thought long and hard about replying to you, I want to say the right things.
Regarding your son - wow that's a tough one - I won't even pretend to imagine what you are going through - I am not a parent, so I can't, but you have done the right thing by taking this to God. I just want you to think about this: yes, you want him to come home safely, but don't you want him to be able to come home to a mom that's intact, sane, and contented within herself? Not just functional on the wing and prayer of some chemical for the day? I think - and your words 'nervous breakdown' indicate the urgency here - that you've reached a point where it simply hurts too much not to get the help you so desperately need. You definitely need to start with a two-pronged approach in terms of therapy. As the others have said, you need to find someone you can get honest with about all your medication. Someone who has your best interests at heart. Second, you need to find a therapist you trust - shop around! the first one you come across need not be the one you feel comfortable with - and talk, talk, talk. Re: whether you are addicted or not? I can't say, but it worries me that you drink on top of the Zanex and ... I used to do this and it was the beginning of one of my many downward spirals.

I can so much identify with what you say about your dog - it isn't silly at all. In June this year I lost my cat, Duo (I use his name so some part of him continues to live) - I had him for 13 years. He was the only friend I had in all the world. And when he died something in me was saying that I was soon to follow if I didn't do something about my problem - a real premonition if you like? Well, as much as I would have liked to lie down and die, I just couldn't so here I am, post #5 rehab and struggling. I also find some days that just when it seems it can't get any worse, it does. Take heart, and run to a source/place of permanent healing - not the bottle or little pill. Everyone will tell you it's a dead-end street. You have made a big step forward, coming here, keep coming back.

You sound like a wonderful person, with so much to give, wide open to new things and people. Please, please take God's hand for your own sake first, and then for your family's, and find the healing He wants you to have, that you deserve. You mentioned your faith - grasp it as if it were your last line to life, and let it pull you into the light.
I'll keep you in my prayers,
Strength and love
***DUO***

[NearlyShattered]

Again, thank you for your kind words. Thanks for thinking I'm not totally nutty, Duo. This was the wierdest thing. My dog gets ran over while my son is in on leave BEFORE he goes to Iraq. It's almost like "what else can happen." I know I haven't even touched the tip of the iceberg on that statement. I've cried for days over this, but there is more inside of me. ALOT of anger, resentment, fear.........It is a cumulation of so many things. My dog getting ran over was just a "test" to show me how the tears can come when you loose something you love. But a dog is replacable, it's not like your friends or family. You can go get another dog. Even today I went back to the people I'd bought her from, thinking I could fill a void. While my dog may be able to be replaced with another one, I think this is just a preparation for future things to come. Again, I think my void will be best filled with God's help. Our family all went to church together for the first time today since my son has been home. My next step will be to find a therapist that can help me deal with these issues. Mark is right. There is too much going on for a "session" in a forum. But it's nice to be here and I'll surf around. Just talking about these things has helped me alot. Thank you all so much for your kind words of encouragement. Hopefully, I can pick up the pieces and "glue" them back together. But Duo, you are right, only God can help me do this. Atleast my son is in good hands. Psalms 91. Very powerfull reading. Thanks again................sortashattered.........

[Sange]

The funny thing is..... you sound like me. Trying to keep a sense of humor while everything is falling apart, and things are breaking your heart. And keeping your faith going when there are days that defy reason. Im new at this, and I can tell the people that answered above know alot more than me, but they are right... you do have a strong spirit. You know you need help. Guess we all do, or we wouldnt be here, yes?

Im so sorry about your pet. They give that unconditional love that is so important when the rest of the world seems hard. Mine are my babies. And God bless your son... may he stay safe.

I have had a hard blow tonight with my daughter, so Im not much on words. But my thoughts and prayers will be with you.

[duo]

Hi Nearly,

Well, Sorta... is so much better than ReallyShattered. It's wonderful to hear that you are finding unity in your family through God. I am struggling on that one - just going near my church fills me with terrible trepidation and thoughts of 'what are they saying about me now?' echo through my mind. It's all just 'my stuff', and I know what people are thinking doesn't matter in the least. Right now I'm just trying to re-establish my relationship with God on a personal level, sometimes simply but just not using for today. It's incredible, but taking just one pill throws up a huge wall of separation between me and my creator. It is in direct contravention to the Creator's law of love, because it is an act entirely opposite to the self-love He has imbued me with, in order that I may love Him back as His unique creation.

I'm glad to hear you are finding a therapist, and you and your son will remain in my prayers. I hope you keep me in yours. Sleep in the arms of the Beloved ...
Strength and love,
***DUO***

[NearlyShattered]

Duo, one thing I have learned about church worry about YOU, keep your eyes, ears, and comments focused on the preachers message. I've seen some awesome services where a minister would tear down a scripture and it would be so clear what God meant. But there's a key phrase there you must not miss. "you're eyes, ears and comments are focused on the message....." Don't worry what others think, they have to atone for not being focused. You atone for yours. I don't know your beliefs, but see, personally, I believe I can worship God everyday, anytime, not just by going to church. I did not get to go today because my husband was hunting deer and my son is visiting relatives. Oh sure, I could have gone alone. There is ALOT I could have done today. ((Hey, I did accomplish domestic stuff and Spanish homework!!! )) But one thing you must know, if peoples eyes, ears and comments are on you instead of the service, then they are not focused on what the Lord had for them to hear that day. Don't worry what they think. Then YOU don't have yourself in the right place. ((See, a double-edged sword)) Again, I worship in very different ways. Sometimes me and my horse will go for a ride and for a few hours we are one. My dog always went with me. I've decided to train a new Healer, healer.....Definately what I need. Sometimes the birds in the sky, Brother Hawk, deer, squirel, the beauty of the mountains and the sky........It is my church. I dance Native American Ladies Traditional Buckskin. I do not compete. I am worshiping the Creator when I dance at powwows, I honor our Vetrans and those who are serving now. It is very spiritual. I've also learned that to live thru sending my son to Iraq I must become a prayer warrior. That means pray constantly, without cease. The days are shortening, I know he must go and go soon. I don't know when and know he will only be here a few more days and then I won't hear anything until after the first of the year. I know I've been on my hands and knees, face to the ground, asking God "Please, show me." Yet, do I see the forrest for the trees??? Like replacing my dog. Material things. And being on my hands and knees.....something has finally brought me down, hum??? They say it always will, something will bring you to your knees. This is a good thing because, you see, my brothers in Muslum pray 5 times a day like that. They must be my brothers because I wish for them, for us all to be brothers and sisters in peace. Jesus said to love your enemy. I even pray for our enemies. For everyone. For all our soldiers, leaders, for the children, the people in that Country. "Imagine. All the people..........living in a world.........." Yep, Duo. I've lost it. But, I'll be back. Until then, hopefully the angels will hold us all in their wings as we sleep..............NearlyShattered. PSALMS 91

[Pepsifreek007]

Hi, everyone. I amnew here and very sorry to hear your stories about your son going to Iraq. I know it is rough to go through and I will be prayng for your son and you. Hopefully, they will come home soon as this war windes down. But it does'nt look like it though not for awhile though. The only verse I can think of, "The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?, whom shall I fear, the Lord is my strengh, the strength of my life whom shall I fear? whom shall I fear?...

[duo]

Hi Nearly Shattered,
Thanks for an inspirational message. At the end of the day, Christ himself, by the power of the HS, is pleading with me to return to the fold. So I went to church on Sunday - a promise of self-sacrifice I'd made to God (getting up early, etc.) I am the prodigal daughter, come back to where I belong.
What is Native American Ladies Traditional Buckskin? I am very interested in the indigenous peoples of N America - so please tell me! I agree with you also, God is not only to be found in a building - He is everywhere: in the leaves, the sunshine, the stars at night, the simple flower. I feel that as long as one is in touch with His presence in all things except evil, that personal relationship will develop and grow.
Take care now - You're in my prayers.
Strength and love
***DUO***

[NearlyShattered]

Hello to all.......Hi, Duo. Yes. It's been A LONG TIME since I was here. I spent every second I could with my son. COULD.....key word. He was busy chasing everything in a skirt......... who blames him. He's 20 years old. He's gone now. And God is with him. I'm still in my Spanish class, still trying to stay motivated, still working. Like I said, I'm not a drinker. So the alcohol/pres. drug activity is not an issue. The issue is not being able to sleep or eat, not taking the right meds, if I even need meds, therapy.........and PRAYER. Lots and Lots of prayers. I'm glad you went to church, Duo. But remember, God is always, everyday, found in your heart. Native American Indians........well, you can find tons of stuff about them on the internet. They were the "first" people who occupied what is now North America. Today in the United States it's "cool" to have "indian blood" in you........??.....I don't know why. Some people look at the powwows and Native American traditions being brought back as people who are "tree-huggers".........into nature and eating psychodeic mushrooms or something. Sometimes I guess people don't understand something "different." I wanted to learn a big part of my heritage. The Native American Ladies Traditional Buckskin dancing is very humble. Very proud. The dancer must be the very essence of the "way" the traditional dress was worn centuries ago. Alot of the dances depect a woman waiting for her warrior to return from a hunt or a battle. It is a slow, gracefull movement. The garment I wear is called "regalia." It is not a costume. It is made from ivory colored deerskin, fringed, and I wear moccasins, carry a peacock feather or turkey feather dance fan and a shawl with a Cherokee Rose beaded into the fabric. I'm just a beginner. I've danced for 5 years. The best and worst thing that ever happened to me at a powwow was one weekend in Alabama. It was summer time and it was SO HOT, people were litterally dehyderating and passing out because they were not staying hydrated......drinking plenty of water. Your body heats up and you get these chills.......wow, it was hot. But everyone was alright. Just hot and tired. Then the next morning everyone woke up excited and said "you are in the paper, you are in the paper." I was very astonished, I'm no pro. It was a "kodak" moment. I have a copy framed for "memories." But the memories I have where I have danced.......they are the special ones. The next time I dance will be for my son and my grandfather. My grandfather passed away a couple of months ago. I carry a special piece of jewlery he brought my grandmother from WWII Germany. He was a veteran. My son I dance to honor his service, to ask for protection and guidance. If you want to know ALOT about the powwow, go to www.gatheringofnations.com, I think that is a pretty good place. I would love to go there, but I think you REALLY have to be a full-blood to participate. I'm not sure. It doesn't matter. I dance about once a month except the winter months. There's plenty to keep me busy. I realize I must keep my mind, hands, heart, spirit, occupied. God Bless you all. PS: I see my dr. in 2 weeks. I am praying I get my meds straightened out. Love and prayers.........NearlyShattered.