hurting, help make it stop

[daisypatch]

I left my husband June first. We have been married 6 years, I had been attending aa for five years before I met him. I had expeirienced imobilizing panic attacks at meetings and work, it happened when I was around people so I didnt attend meetings often but I managed to stay sober and relationship free for five years. I met my husband in 1998 in a chat room,we met and talked for 2 months and moved in together we fought a lot he was on porn a lot at that time I didnt now anything about sa. He became my everything I lost my spiritual connection, we married in april of 2000 he pushed for it I wanted to wait. In August I got pregnant and decided because of the fighting, we both already had grown children and the addictions that were going on to put the baby up for addoption,(my husband was very much in agreement with this) after this was done in May of 2001 I started taking vicodin for pain and I ended up in rehab October of 2002 for alcohol and vicodin, They recomended I stay at a half way house Because of his addiction and the fighting but my husband wanted a divorce if I did so I went home, tried to attend meetings, but he would start fights to keep me home even after he started sa once a week he start fights to keep me home even if I read a book he would fight and he would punish me by locking me out and I would have to sleep on the couch, needless to say I struggled I kept drinking then it got so bad I was out smoking crack wreking my truck ect. Any ways January of this year He stopped attending sa I new I couldnt go on anymore I just wanted to die things got bad in my addiction and my husband seemed to be happier with me using, it was crazy. In April I got on my knees and prayed in pain and said Im ready to go to any lengths God to get sober or I would end my life I was done with life. Well by the grace of god here I am 6 months sober in my own apartment with a great program going to aa attending meetings, staying close to fellowship and sponser every day,and I dont have panic attacks any more.
My husband called me for the first time in four months August 14 and wanted to work things out we started seeing each other he told me he had dated and slept with another woman and she loved him and wanted to spent the rest of her life with him all withen 2 weeks of meeting her she's a 49 yr woman he met in a bar he's 43 and he doesnt drink, he said he stopped seeing her it made him relize how much he loved me, and withen 2 weeks it was crazy again I slowed down on my program and he wasnt attending any meetings we managed to get to a counsler and the counsler said I was his addiction until he gets into recovery we didnt have a marraige to work on, my husband says the counsler didnt know what he was talking about. I havnt spoke to him in weeks, he's back seeing this woman and Im solid in my recovery but I am hurting so badly I think about him all the time I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about him and he's the first thought when I wake up in the morning and then all day, day after day. I see them together, Im angry and hurt and I cant seem to move on, its affecting my job and relationships with my girlfreinds, there are not many good memeries at all from the past and I just can not figure out why I cant stop thinking about him. I have thought about dating someone so I can try to forget about him and move on. Can you please help give me some advise??? Sorry this is so long. Thank You
thedaisypatch

[GuyBlakeKett]

dear daisypatch -

the first thing to LOVE about yourself and your life is that you're keeping sober - and working on a strong program to stay that way. I know this is terribly painful - and nobody will have any easy answers. The simple answer, though, is to pour as much energy as you can into going to meetings, talking with your sponsor about this, keep your sober friendships strong, and - please! - check out Alanon to understand what you're capable of changing and what you're not. I'd also post this in the Alanon forum on this site. Sobriety doesn't mean, as you know, not having to deal with tough feelings - but it DOES give you a way to hang on & get through them. Keep taking care of YOURSELF now. We're all pulling for you.

best,
Guy