Marriage and sobriety possible?

[NeedWings]

Hi, What are your thoughts on staying married after your spouse stops using?I was reading a codie book and it told about how many marriages fall apart during the first year of sobriety. Everything they mentioned, I am experiencing. AH has been clean since May. It is NOT at all what I expected it to be. After 24 years of being married to an addict and now he is clean, I can't adjust! I feel bad for wanting out of my marriage because he is trying so hard. Our relationship eroded so bad because of his drug use, I had emotionally left the marriage many, many years ago. I just can't push all that aside. He can't figure out why I am struggling to be happy with our marriage. I struggle with this every day. He is clean now, that is what I wanted for 24 years. Can couples really stay together after so many years of drug addiction? Thanks, Laurie

[CAPPA]

needwings

I have posted my story, I am going through what you husband is except with 5 years of marriage under our belt, and my wife has filed for divorce does not want out really, she is dealing with me sober now. She has spoken what she is feeling,and it is close to what you are going through emotionally. She wants the Cappa she married five years ago, but staying I think is a risk for her, and she now has to decide to stop the divorce, she says she will but hasn't offically done so. Alcoholism controls us, and my wife wants me back, she has that now, but had to file for divorce to get it, she is feeling guilt, anger, resentment for me recovering, because her attorney said I would not get better and go ahead and file. Lots of issues we face in marriage, but you need to decide what is best for you.

[GuyBlakeKett]

dear Need Wings -

As you surely already know, there's no one 'right' answer here. Except that if you really ARE this unhappy, then, as CAPPA, says, you should certainly do whatever's best for you. I just hope that you deal with your newly sober spouse - and, hopefully, how he deals with you - with kindness, not recriminations. If there's any doubt at all about breaking up with him - if there's even a tiny flame of wanting to stay - this might be a good time to go into couples counseling, too. This is certainly a query you should post in the Naranon forum on this site - I have no doubt you'll get a flood of answering response. (And going to Naranon meetings yourself will really help, too.)

best -
and pulling for both of you -

Guy

[NeedWings]

Cappa, My AH stopped using in May when I told him I was leaving him. I guess he was starting to see the distant look in my eyes. We argued about his drug use for 24 years and he picks now, just as I have one foot out the door to stop using. It is hard to turn emotions back on after so much damage. I hope things work out with you and your wife.

Guy, I do have doubt about leaving, that is why after 24 years I am still here. I am not happy but I also know leaving will not guarantee happiness either. I did post on Naranon and got some great replies, I just thought I would ask an expert! Thanks, Laurie

[Chy]

Hi Needwings,
In answer to your initial question, yes, married couples do work it out. I'm going on 25 years as well, and I was the alcoholic in the marriage. Hubby did leave, we were seperated for almost 2 years. He came back, and wasn't until I new he was ready to leave again, I was able to quit, not for him, for me. He's been back for a little over two years and finally we're begining to mend. I didn't realize how much emotional damage and scaring my drinking caused. It's taken him all this time to restore those trust issues, and not because my behavior was off the wall, but because of his uncertainty to become convinced, his wife was going to remain sober. If there is a smitten of love left, a spec of hope and want, I urge you to seek marriage counseling, and just give it time. You have the right to express your hurt, anger, and pain that numbed you and made you "raw" as my husband put it. Once you can begin to let go of those emotions perhaps there will be a chance at saving your marriage, if this is what you really want.

[NeedWings]

Thank you Chy, It is good to hear your story. It gives me some hope because there is a spec of it left or I would not be posting. I know my AH doesn't realize the scarring either. How could he, he was stoned for so many years.
For some reason your post has really hit home. I feel a flood of emotion.... coming out in tears. I think a brick or two has fell away from the wall I have built up. I can't find the right words to thank you for you help. I won't forget what you wrote, Laurie