A peak into my freak

[liveweyerd]

It happened today.

I got an email from my boyfriend in Florida that they have found a problem with his heart and he has to go for an MRI tomorrow.

My throat felt like it was swelling shut, my hands started shaking uncontrollably.

In my mind I am begging "please be well, please be well, please don't die."
Any one would think that but in me it is amplified 1000X

Immediate medical help needed! I slip a Xanax under my tongue, to stop it, thinking I will read and nap...climb into that womb.

I know what is happening. Of course, it is related to my son's suicide.

Past traumas have super-sensitized my hippocampus.
This reaction I am having is a complicated electo-chemical process going down there.

I fall asleep and have a night terror. In my sleep, I am telling myself, just wake up Tena, open your eyes. But I can't do it. When I wake, that's all I can remember.

Now, I am awake, a bit shaken...a feeling that my own mind raped me.
Bits and pieces are coming back to me. From the middle and end of the dream, I would like to know how it all started but my mind isn't going to go there ever. I can just tell.

The details are unimportant to relate...it was quite simply a dream of pure terror, magnificently intense.

Right now, I feel as if I've had my fingers in the light socket.

I am glad I wasn't screaming. I have done that before without waking myself.
I would be pretty damned embarresed if people had come knocking on my door to see if I was okay. The funny thing is, it wouldn't have woke me, I'd have incorporated it into the dream. They would have to break in the doors and shake me awake. I scare other people too if they are unlucky enough to be around it!

I am not afraid to go back asleep. I have brought it into the light of day here. Indeed, I'd like some rest. That serial killer psycho book I am reading will be a treat! That's just a puzzle, to figure out who dunnit before the author tells me.

But, there, folks, is the anxiety disorder, naked and bared.

They began 15 years ago, before my son's suicide. Used to be an every night all night thing. Began with losing custody of my daughter unjustly. My little darling I raised more or less alone for her 13 years. I would go on bloody killing sprees in my sleep over and over. In the daytime I was too depreesed to move, to care if I lived or died. :dead:

I've got other issues going on right now, I am very upset with 3 people who have through carelessness left me in a lurch, so there are mitigating circumstances to make me a bit more vulnerable.
But it all comes from fear. It is all about fear.

The trigger was without doubt that email.
Please don't die!

Sigh. I am okay. I have been through this before. It's been along time since I've been that scared. Long time since I have had a night terror.
But my unconscious dipped me into the land of pure terror.
At the end I was trying to kill myself to get enough attention to be heard.
That is very directly about my son. I knew what was going to happen and no one would hear me. Called me a drama queen.
He's dead now.
I had the DR check him into the hospital, he was furious at me so his dad checked him out against medical advice. I begged them to get rid of the guns. The police told them to get rid of the guns. Nope, wouldn't do it. He shot himself.

I live with all this and more every day. I heal a little more everyday, But I had a rough episode today.

Thank you for letting me tell this. I would not burden my family, they couldn't handle it. They would be too scared on my behalf. I hate it when people walk around me on eggshells with that wary watchful eye.

If I had to right now, I could shower, dress up, put on makeup, go out amongst friends and no one would ever know. I know how to hide it. Half a xanax to hide the rattling hands. and I would be fine and have fun right along with them.
But I am a glutton for punishment (JOKE).
I'm going to take the Xanax, sip herb tea, write, read, relax or whatever I want to do..make something pretty. I prefer to be left alone for awhile.

I know from experience it doesn't show, but my face ought to look like Munch's scream.

I know I will be digesting all this a piece at a time as I am ready for the rest of my life. Just as long as I don't let it destroy me, I'm cool. I am healing. And paradoxically, because of it much stronger than the average Joe/Jane.

Some of you think I am brave for hopping a plane to an unknown country. Shucks, that's nothing! See!

Please don't pity me, I don't want it.

I just decided to step out of my usual distanced intellectual stance and get really real.
I think there is something here that might help someone else a wee bit.
And it helped me, thank you.

Tena

[Jon]

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[wastedtime4me]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{[live}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
i really hope your b/f's tests turn out ok
i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!!! i am so deeply sorry to hear about your son!!!

[liveweyerd]

thank you.

[odatkitty]

Tena, I m new to this recovery site. I have been clean for 1 week. with detox over last weekend. I started outpatient rehab on Tuesday. Your message was quite moving to me. I lost 2 children in 1982 in a car accident. I just went on. and 22 years later I have to go back to that awful time. Actually It was a good time also. 12 days later I had a baby boy. It took 10 years for me to go to the graves.I was determined to be strong and I took care of everyone around me, except myself.I am scared of all this stuff. I have no clue where I need to start. alot of things have happened in the last 2 years & I just gave up. Now I have to face the conquences. It could lead to jail. but I'm a big girll.I moved here 3000 miles from Florida to be with my eldery Mother to have a mother /daughter relationship relationship. She has Alzheimers. I had to put her in a nursing home. It is so devastating to see your parent not recognize you. I just saw your note and it touched me. I just needed to talk with someone You take care-odatkitty

[liveweyerd]

odakitty,
Welcome to SR! You have found a powerful resource here! I strongly suggest you go to the mental health forum, read the stickys at the top. Talk. Read Make yourself at home.MG has alot of wonderful work down there She is so wise I call her Pope, but she's not Roman Catholic, so I hope I don't offend her! Intoduce yourself as you have here. She will hook you up with posts that apply to your need.
Also depending upon your addiction go to that forum (AA or NA) do the same there.
You will soon find you are not alone and will have many true, caring friends.
When I joined SR in Nov 2002 it was my lifeline. Thus began my path to recovery and wellness.
This is a GOOD place to start. Thank you for your post. You are not alone!
Hope to be seeing you around and getting to know you! And I am sending the vibes of a warm, warm-hearted hug.
Blessings,
tena