Am I making it all up?

[rubyjane]

Hi Mark,

I started abusing alcohol when I was sixteen. Before that I used food, sex, and anything else I could keep busy with to hold back this frantic feeling I had when I was still. About a year ago, my partner threatened to leave me if I didn't stop drinking. I had put her through it all and she couldn't take it anymore. This wasn't the first time she had asked me to quit, but I could tell she was serious and after a long battle, I finally stopped. It was really hard, but we made it. I had always been a big pot smoker, but that was never really a concern for me, until I wasn't drinking anymore. Now I am trying to stop smoking.

I am in therapy and I think that i have a good realtionship with my therapist. She is probably the first person that i have ever been honest with. Lately in therapy and in my life, I have been battling a lot more with depression and rage and these weird sexual feelings. i feel gross and damaged somehow. These feelings are very familiar. I remember now feeling them as young as 5 or 6. I don't have any memories of sexual abuse as a child. I was raped when I was 14, but these memories that i am having are from way before that. There are some other hints for me that are troubling and I don't think I can write about them yet. I've read about therapists planting ideas in their clients minds, but mine hasn't suggested anything. She asks leading questions, but always is careful to not lead when it comes to that.

So I guess my question is can you really suppress memories or am I just going through some bad feelings because I am facing actually being sober? Is it possible that I could block something out for over 20 years? I feel like I'm going crazy. I just want to melt away. I can't sit still with myself, I've never been able to and now that my head is becoming clear, i feel like I want to crawl out of my skin any time I have a second to think. Could I just be making this up somewhere in my head? Am I totally overreacting to some uncomfortable feelings? Any answers?

[lonlion]

I definately know how you feel about sitting still. I quit drinking in 1996, and inevitably moved to another addiction, pot. Now that I don't have that either (tying to stay clean) I am going stircrazy. The worse part is that I was in a motorcycle accident in july and am in a wheelchair for 4 months. Talk about being even more stir crazy!! Puts new meaning to one day at a time. It does get better. Try to calm your racing thoughts by keeping busy, reading positive literature and praying/mediating if you can.

[MarkSichelCSW]

You're having a difficult time as would be expected because you're not "medicating" your feelings with drugs and alcohol. I think you need a 12 Step Program like AA as well as psychotherapy to help you sustain your sobriety. You're not overreacing to the discomfort and it's very difficult for you but it will get more manageable with ongoing sobriety and greater support.