Functional Alcoholic

[dizzy94]

How do I, as a wife, help my husband who is completely functional? The only area affected by his alcoholism is our marriage. He even went for a full physical where the doctor was aware of his drinking and all checked out fine, he is healthier than me.

Where does someone like this hit bottom or is it hopeless?
Melanie

[GuyBlakeKett]

dear dizzy -

I feel & hear your frustration. And the best thing I can suggest is to find out where the nearest Alanon meeting is and attend it regularly - to listen and speak to others who are dealing with similar frustrations. In other words, you're not alone, and it is immensely healing to find OUT you're not alone. As to what will turn the light on for your husband - I wish there was an easy answer, but if there is, I don't know it. The one element in recovery over which no one but the alcoholic has control is the desire to stop drinking. That has to come to him when he can't tolerate the consequences of his drinking. This doesn't have to mean hitting a skid row bottom - many alcoholics feel a kind of soul sickness which is in some ways much worse even than going broke or ending up in jail. This inability to tolerate what you're doing to your SPIRIT is, in my experience, what can really tip the scales in favor of recovery. But while you pray for that kind of illumination for your husband, please go to Alanon. It's possible that your turning to Alanon will send a message to your husband that, whatever he thinks about his drinking, it's affecting you adversely. Don't use this as a weapon - just go to Alanon, and pray, and, for the moment anyway, let the chips fall where they may.

One day at a time...

best,
and prayers,

Guy

[Wisconsin_Al]

Dizzy

Your message got my attention. If the definition of functional alcoholic is someone who is maintaining his job, health and has not gotten any DWIs but is ruining his marriage then I am a functional alcoholic.

My wife started attending alanon in secret from me when I was still an active alcoholic. This has helped her a great deal since as Guy says, she is not alone. There may be great value for you.

Also functional alcoholics do hit bottoms and I did. There was no car accident, no fights, no one was hurt (physically) but I had an emotional crash that shocked everyone around me who thought I “Had it all together�. Including work peers who were the most shocked.

Your husband needs to find this for himself, but you can get help for you.

Good luck ,, and see? My wife sounds like you, you are not alone.

[GuyBlakeKett]

dear al -

it's heartfelt honest & helpful responses like this that make this site the wonderful thing it is. thanks so much.

guy

[Wisconsin_Al]

Guy - I have gotten so much good advice here that I appreciate your comment

Dizzy

I see you are in Black Creek, about 15 miles from where my wife and I live. Who knows? Maybe you will meet my wife in an Alanon meeting? There are listings online or you could pick one up at ThedaCare Behavior Health. They are on Midway Road off of Route 10. I think they are in Neenah or Menasha

Again good luck.

[dizzy94]

Thanks for your responses. I thought a lot about it today and realized I didnt want to be happy because if I am then he will think all is well and keep drinking. Like if he sees me miserable enough he will care enough to quit.....God that sounds so pathetic as I type it...
Well I am looking into finding a meeting and getting to one as soon as possible.
Thanks
Melanie

[Paladin]

Originally Posted by dizzy94

Thanks for your responses. I thought a lot about it today and realized I didnt want to be happy because if I am then he will think all is well and keep drinking. Like if he sees me miserable enough he will care enough to quit.....God that sounds so pathetic as I type it...
Well I am looking into finding a meeting and getting to one as soon as possible.
Thanks
Melanie

Melanie please give an update to how things turned out as I was a functional alcoholic. People like us or me needed a reason to quit well the woman I live with gave it to me, one day she told me stop drinking or get out I am going to my daughters call me and let me know what your gonna do. This may not be the right thing for everyone but it sure woke me up. I quit in a way that was not very smart, I locked myself in the house for 3 days alone. I was told later that thats dangerous but for me I didn't want it documented that I was a drunk due to my profession. If he wants to do it the same way be there in case he needs emergency help. It was a rough 3 days he may not want you to see it , insist you wish to help and support.

Wish you the best luck Tom
feel free to talk to me if you wish.

[Godblessu]

Hi Melanie. My husband of 9 years is also a functioning alcoholic. He has not missed a day of work in the three years he has been drinking. It puzzled me how someone who was drinking heavily the night before and came home at 2 in the morning can still wake up at 7 and go to work. And he does this at least 3 times a week. He also is taking acetaminophen and antihistimane despite the warning of liver damage if alcohol is consumed. AH is in denial about his drinking because he said that he is still fulfill his responsibility as he is still going to work and making the money. He makes very good money but he also spend $1500 a month on booze. His drinking has affected me and our marriage tremendously. His behaviour after he has been drinking have been too much for me to bear (hanging out with other women etc). I am attending alanon meeting although not often. Get alanon literature. It really helps me. You are not alone. Hang in there. Feel free to send me a private message if you need to talk.

[Godblessu]

To Tom and Al,

Thanks for sharing on how functioning alcoholic hit their bottom. I was doubting wheter my AH will hit bottom (losing his job) because he has not missed a day at work and he is very valuable at his job. I feel that his ability to keep his job makes him further in denial.

[Paladin]

Originally Posted by Godblessu

To Tom and Al,

Thanks for sharing on how functioning alcoholic hit their bottom. I was doubting wheter my AH will hit bottom (losing his job) because he has not missed a day at work and he is very valuable at his job. I feel that his ability to keep his job makes him further in denial.

He will ... I used to go to work then come home or go to a bar and drink myself into oblivion , wake up the next morning fine no hang over no headach nothing, don't ask me why I don't know. Sooner or later he will have to have that first drink in the morning and thats when it hits
If he don't he will get the shakes and dry heaves. They are the first signs , well at least for me. Blackouts is another sign. I drank heavy for 18 years.
keep one thing in mind please. he is sick and needs help. I don't know how he gets when he is drunk but don't argue , maby ask a question of what happened last night if he don't remember let it be you made your point he will think about it. I hope this helps

I had a very Dangerous job , I needed to be aware and have a split second dicission or I may get hurt or worse so I know how functional you can be. I was a New York City Police Officer

[tuffenuff]

Melanie, My Bf is also a functional alkie. He just finished a 28 day stint in rehab and it took only 4 days out before he was back to drinking. Very dissapointing to me. He drinks at night after he gets out of work....takes alot of sick or vacation days, but somehow, because he is a member of a union, ends up getting paid for these. I'm frustrated and just recently found this site. You are definately NOT alone. Best wishes, (nice name too, BTW!)
~Melanie~

[tuffenuff]

Paladin....can you tell me how long it takes before they start to get the DT'S? My Bf drinks daily ...whiskey and beer. Around a pint of whiskey per night.

[Paladin]

Originally Posted by tuffenuff

Paladin....can you tell me how long it takes before they start to get the DT'S? My Bf drinks daily ...whiskey and beer. Around a pint of whiskey per night.

I would imagin that depends on the person. When I quit I was drinking a lot more than that a day and for a very long time and did not go through DT's.
The shakes are pretty definate. You may want to speak to a professional about that.

[tuffenuff]

Aren't the shakes part of DT's ? Is there a difference?

[Paladin]

Originally Posted by tuffenuff

Aren't the shakes part of DT's ? Is there a difference?

it's a part of withdrawals so is dry heaves . When I think of DT's I think of a person thinking ants are crawling on them of what ever their fear is. There are many withdrawal symptoms another is you get itchy at least I did. The funny thing is I was so worried I took my dog to bed with me I thought if he aint worried then all is ok. Picture this me and an akita who weighs in at 90 lbs laying next to me in bed. The real funy thing was he knew I was in bad shape he wouldn't leave my side , it too 3 to 4 days for me to calm down. Again I stress I did it the wrong way , with no help and that is dangerous.

[Sayhan1]

Hello all - it is in a quirky way relieving to read this and realize I am not alone in living with a functional alcholic. It depresses me so and I am nearing my level of tolerance with it. I have recently again confronted my husband that I am concerned and that he has a problem. Even though he says I know I have a problem, but he slips right back into his habit. He is a business professional, has a great job, never misses work, on the weekends works around the house...but during the week, he comes home and pretty much stays in the bedroom. He drinks anywhere from a six pack to 12 pack a night. I have told him he may be here in the house but he is unavailable to me. His pregnant daughter, 19 just moved back in, I also have my sons from a previous marriage living with me, they are 19 and 16. I hate that they are being exposed to this and I do not want them to get used to this is a way a husband is suppose to be with his family. My husband is not abusive, matter of fact he gets very loving and such but I can't stand that when he has been drinking. If I try to show some normalcy in our lives, like during the holiday, well he is back to acting like everything is okay and normal. I feel so lost at times....

[Camel]

Reading this thread has been a huge help to me! I live with a functional alcoholic (my boyfriend). I have been going to Al-anon meetings for a couple of months now, and it has been a tremendous help. It gives me a great deal of serenity. The only problem is that I feel like my situation is very different from the other al-anon members in my group. Not only is my alc. very functional, he just doesn't seem to exhibit a lot of the "typical" behaviors that the other partners, husbands and wives are dealing with. This makes it all very confusing for me. I connected with those of you who describe your spouse/partner being out drinking into the wee hours of the night and then getting up and going to work. And beyond that, my partner does not have a typical job. He is a professional dancer in one of the top dance companies in the country. He's not only functional, he's at the top of his field...one that requires extreme physical work and health! It baffles me! But I also fear that he will not reach the potential that he could because of his heavy drinking and marijuana use. On top of all that, he honestly is really really good to me. He is not abusive at all. He cares so deeply about being good to me. But that is partly why I know he has a problem. I can tell that it pains him to be out late at night drinking and smoking when I am home alone. He knows it isn't right and I can tell that he feels very badly about that behavior. He tries to get me to be out with him so that he doesn't feel guilty about leaving me alone at night. I used to "hang out" much more often. But once I became honest with myself about his chem. dependency, I became totally turned off, and now I don't want to have much to do with any of it because it makes me ill inside. I'm so frightened for him and us. I know that he is in the process of looking for engagement rings. And I want so much to have a life with him. But I am so fearful of the road we may be walking down together...the more I learn about alcoholism, the more frightened I become.

Sorry for such a long message. I'm just so confused and scared! I just don't feel like there is a clear reason to end my relationship. We have a great relationship, but the alcohol is beginning to affect it. Why else would I be in al-anon? How much worse will it get? I don't want to be co-dependent. But I don't want to leave him. Not at all!

Thanks for listening (reading).

Camel

[OVERIT]

(((((Dizzy)))))

I am sorry for your pain.

I too, was a functioning alcoholic for MANY years.

Thing is, this is a very progressive disease.

It gets worse each time. Trust me, I've lived it.

PM me if you want some details.

Best of luck to you.

xoxoxoxoxo

Angela

[Camel]

Thanks for your words. From your perspective, is there ANYTHING I can do? He is in complete and total denial. His father is clearly a functional alcoholic as well, but he sees nothing wrong with his father's behavior. He grew up with a man who drank a tall glass (or more) of straight hard liquor ever night. This is "normal"...what "a man does." All of his friends drink. In my opnions most of them also have a problem. How long will it take for him to recognize? If ever? Is there anything I can do to make him see it!?

[papagalo]

hi, camel...it's been about 8 months or so since i posted. a year before that, but maybe my message can be of some kind of use to you. i am sorry for your pain. have you tried an alanon meeting? it is very comforting, anonymous, and a "safe" place to talk about your feelings.

i am no longer in contact with this "friend," i must tell you, so i don't know what ever became of him. but yes i lived with a dancer & dear friend, "W"--he was my roommate. there were 4 guys living there, but one had to go off for a few months, so they needed someone to sublet the room: i took it.

i used to think w's drinking was funny. great dancer, but once he came out that he was gay, his drinking shot up. he drank a BOTTLE of vodka as he was coming out to me! once, his roommates called me at like 3a.m. saying they thought he was dead. he'd drunk a bottle of vodka or something...THEN HE DRANK A BOTTLE OR HALF A BOTTLE OF NYQUIL!!! they'd dragged him into a cold shower, but he didn't wake up right away. i thought it was funny. we were in college...it just seemed funny.

then when i moved in with w i saw that he and his other roommate "M" drank heavily, too. they would sometimes ask me to take them to the "candy store"--their code name for the house they went to to buy marijuana. again, i thought all this was funny until i saw how they acted. always drunk and/or high, and thinking about when they were gonna do it next. they'd be at work high and NEVER got in trouble. they were waiters! how could anyone let obviously stoned people stay at work. anyway, W started to flake on me all the time. so i just stopped trying to get in touch. i don't know where he is.

i don't know how he was able to live his life and drink and smoke marijuana that much. i know a LOT of dancers--GREAT dancers--smoke cigarettes all the time, and it boggles the mind.

i guess i just want you to know that you're not alone.

[shyrell]

I am so glad I found this site. I have left my drunken, abusive husband of 24 years for the 3rd and last time. He too is a "Functional Alcoholic". He can down as much as a pint of whiskey and a whole quart of beer over a period of 6 hours, look perfectly sober to outsiders, get up in the mornings without a hangover and go to work! Unlike my first husband who was a "falling down - puking drunk" who always had a hangover. Why did I marry another one? He hides everything so very well. My poor little children saw through him as they were growing up, but I was always off somewhere crying and telling myself that I surely must be wrong about him! O God! What a fool I've been.

[kali ma]

Originally Posted by GuyBlakeKett

That has to come to him when he can't tolerate the consequences of his drinking. This doesn't have to mean hitting a skid row bottom - many alcoholics feel a kind of soul sickness which is in some ways much worse even than going broke or ending up in jail.

I agree. I was a HIGHLY functioning alcoholic, and never got into any legal trouble, or ruined relationships, I hit a "soul sickness" rock bottom. Just because he makes it to work everyday does not mean he doesn't have the disease. My mom went to Alanon because my father and brother drank...little did she know that I drank more than them because I was a college honor student. Don't let him fool you. My thoughts are with you. Best of luck,