fear

[clc]

what does one do when they are overwhelmed by fear? I mean like I go to NA meetings regularly but I am so consumed by anxiety and obsessed about how others are judging me that I cant speak or ask for help. I have a sponsor (that I dont call enough), I read recovery stuff and I think I understand that I have to find someway to ask for and let others help me but I am always stopped by FEAR!!!

I feel like I am running out of options--I first got clean in 1994 but went back out in 1998 and finally just came back last Feb. Input will be appreciated.

thanx
clc

[splendra]

Dear ClC

Welcome to sober recovery. There is lot's of good support here. We are glad you made it!!!

Perhaps you could be more speciffic about your fears. What exactly are you afraid of?
It looks like you did get clean for a while and surely you can do it again. It is hard to open up sometimes and I am sure it can even be scary too. Consider that it is your disease talking to you trying to keep you locked in. We are here to listen and we realy care so come on and spill the beans and see if you don't feel just a little better and maybe a little braver. Practice opening up with us. We all have been where you are. (((((((BIG HUG)))))) 4 You.

[lulu70]

Welcome, clc. Glad you are here. Splendra gave some good advice. I second everything she said. Hang in there and keep coming back. I know for me, the first time I got sober, I thought I was fearful of what other people would think of me, but now I know I just thought I was different. Now, the important thing for me to remember is that there is NOTHING I have done that some other alcoholic or addict has not done. We are all the same. We are wired the same. I don't know if that will help you, but maybe.

Best of luck to you and keep posting!!

I am a firm believer that there is nothing to fear but fear itself even though I still have horrible fears that rule my life unless I work on them and/or ignore them!!

[ssindi]

Hi I am CIndy and I'm an addict. I know I was really afraid and what I found out was that I was afraid of finding out who I am. Being happy in my own skin, I was really afraid of that. Could that be what you are afraid of???

[MarkSichelCSW]

You're probably feeling fearfu about many things and the most helpful thing you can do for yourself is to keep going to meetings and working your program and with time the fear will become manageable.

[clc]

I appreciate all the feedback from everyone. I have been told that fear is a secondary emotion. I remember my counselor in treatment always trying to get me to "drill down" to what I was really feeling. Well heck, at that time I was lucky to be able to identify what it felt like to be conscious. I just wasnt capable of dealing with that emotional stuff right then. Anyway, so here I am at 6 mths, on my own tryingto figure out how to cope with this roadblock that I feel I have run into and I understand the answers but putting them into action is another thing entirely. I am just stuck and the more stuck I feel the more I get that deer caught in the headlights feeling.

I dont know why I have this overwhelming fear of disapproval. It seems to run my life a prevent me from coming close to letting people in. I realize that I have been living behind a mask for many, many years. I change my spots to blend in with my enviroment. When I was using I always felt like that was a strength now I see it as a curse. I have to admit that I have been starting to isolate. I have a sponsor and I go to meetings. I try to share but I feel like all that comes out of my mouth is BS. So even though I am present physically and words come out of my mouth. I dont leave feeling a part of anything.

Does this make any sense? this just kind of spilled out of me and I dont know what to think. My intial urge is to delete the whole thing. Heck my stress level is through the roof even sharing on this forum. I feel absolutely insane sometimes. How can a person be afraid of talking in a place where they have total anonymity. I am not having an easy time right now and I want to say the only thing I have done right today is not use!! I should be happy about that right? Why do I feel like I am failing. Sorry I am one confused puppy. I better just submit this before I cange my mind. Thanx for listening

[MarkSichelCSW]

You say the only thing you have done right today is not use!!! That's huge. It's a wonderful achievement and a testament to your strength. Don't diminish it. Celebrate it. And keep going to your program as you're doing fine as long as you're going forward....and you are.

[donnaparadise]

Hello CIC

Going to meetings is essential, as everyone will tell you. Talking to your sponsor is sometimes difficult, I know. When I first came into the program, I balked at going to anyone and picking a sponsor. Then I picked one that was just like me. A lot of good that did me! Then, when of course, that didn't work out, I didn't pick anyone, but just floated from person to person, never really getting into it.

I had a deep fear that if someone 'really knew me' they wouldn't like me and I'd be rejected/abandoned and alone again. I finally came across a wonderful woman, so unlike me in every way but more sobriety than I and was walking the walk and talking the talk. She told me: "Stick with the winners. If you can't decide on a sponsor right now, so be it. But make sure you talk to somebody."

If I wasn't talking to my sponsor, I was in hiding. I was afraid to come out to anyone.

I understand about the encouragement from your counsellor in treatment always trying to get me to "drill down" to what I was really feeling.

So many have told me that over the years and I just couldn't figure out what they were talking about. Wasn't I sober? Wasn't I in pain? Wasn't I crying all the time? Wasn't I upset? Wasn't I afraid to die and just as afraid I was going to live? What were they talking about?

I know a little more now.

One thing that I have learned as an addicted person, is that I will do just about anything short of flying solo to the moon, to avoid pain. Not the pain of living day to day - I'm used to that. The pain of going inside and seeing what my part in all of this was. To look and see who I really am, what I want, what motivates me, what propels me. Because, what if I looked inside and there was nothing there?

I've been clean and sober (?) for 21 years now and I am now finally, getting it.

I've just come out of a disastrous relationship (again?) and this time, I am not distracting myself with work, accummulation of money, shopping, going out with friends, looking for someone else to fill the void.

This time,I am sitting with it. This time I am really feeling what it is like to scream inside and get on my knees and ask, no beg, God to take this away from me. Momentarily, it works. But, like withdrawal from any drug of choice, it comes back to assault my very being, until I don't think I can take it anymore. Usually a cue to find something to take it all away NOW!

Not this time! This time I will declare the intention of following through, listening to myself, figuring out who I am and what I want and with the help of my personal Higher Power, I will move THROUGH the pain - not over it, around it, under it - THROUGH it. I will hold the course and deal with it and find out about it, what it is, where it comes from, what is my part in it.

Only then, will I be able to truly declare I am sober in my thinking and sober in my actions.

If we do not 'deal with the emotional stuff', it deals with us. We feel a little better for a while, but we will repeat what has gone on, until we do 'deal'. Better now than later.

I too, understood the answers. I ruminated, intellectualized, rationalized, read, questioned, talked, cried about them. But coping simply trying to feel better.

There is no need for 'action' right now, other than going to meetings, talking to people if not your sponsor and writing to people so that you can get some advicer and clarity. It doesn't come easy. It takes time. A lot of time.
But, one day, as I did, either something clicks and there is a psychic awakening or just gradually, you start to feel better because you are discovering your inner soul and your reason for being here and you make decisions that are in your best interest.

You are not stuck. You are resting. When it is time to move, you will move. Change your language. Being stuck is a victim word. Resting is more empowering. Choose how you are going to describe what is going on with you. Don't let it choose you. It is time to recoup, feel, go through what you are going through. Trust that your Higher Power does not want bad things to happen to you and will only give you what you can handle. Trust that it will be alright. "It" may not come out exactly as you had hoped or planned but "it" will come out exactly as it was meant to be. Trust is the hardest thing to achieve so if you can manage it, do it 10 minutes at a time. That is all it takes.

I feared disapproval because I feared that I wasn't doing something 'right'. If I was wrong, I would be punished by being abandoned. If I was abandoned, I would be alone and I would die! I tried to keep people away, unsuccessfully I might add. They wanted to be with me because they wanted something from me. Sometimes it was my Light. Sometimes not. I had to learn discernment. I can honestly tell you, other than the last man in my life, who not only wanted my Light but my money, all of the people with whom I am connected with now are kind, loving, spiritual, exciting, fun, generous people. Sometimes, when I am wrapped in the cloak of denial and self-pity, I foget that. I try to remember to be grateful for that every day.

Someone told me once: The day you picked up your first drink, was the day you decided to survive. Huh???? Actually, that was true! The pain of living was so great, I needed to escape. I surely would have taken the easy way out the way I was going. Drinking allowed me to escape the pain for a while, until even that didn't help and it got worse and worse over the years. I no longer want to escape. I want to be in it so I can learn to be who I really am. Then, I can be content within myself and no one can take away my learning.

We are insane in a way. We think crazy thoughts about ourselves; no one loves us, no one cares, I'll never get over this, this is the end. None of this needs to be true. When I look around, many people love me, care for me, I have gotten over 'this' in the past and I likely will again, with the Grace of my Higher Power and this is not the end, but a whole bunch of new beginnings - sometimes every half an hour when I am particuarly nuts. I choose to be grateful, find something to be grateful for and hang onto that for dear life. It is too easy for me to go back with the familiar way of thinking about myself. It is like an old pair of shoes. Fits me perfectly. But I want a newer, shinier pair so I can walk forward with confidence they won't fall apart.

You are afraid to talk because you are afraid to talk. Go to meetings. Go to lots of them. I didn't speak for weeks when I first went. Then, one night I went to a new meeting (to me) and it was a discussion/topic meeting. There were over 25 of us in the circle. I was horrified there were so many people there but at the same time, glad because I could just fade into the woodwork. I still had not reconciled to attaching a label on myself and didn't want that much attention on me in case I changed my mind.

One by one, members began to share on their topic. I listened. Each one took their turn, coming towards me in the circle. I panicked for a moment and then was relieved because the circle started a long way away from me. To begin with, I was consumed with what I was going to say when it would be my turn. And then, slowly, I started to listen. Really listen.

By the time the circle came to my turn, I was choking from trying to hold down the tears. So much of my life I felt so different from everyone. That I was defective in some way and had to prove I was worthy of any kind of attention at all. And here, in this room full of strangers, were people who were telling my story! Telling out loud how they felt the same way as I had been thinking and feeling and not being able to put into words, for years.

I was overwhelmed. I was overcome. I spoke, telling the circle that I too, felt like some of them but I couldn't talk much. I don't remember much of what I said that night and it doesn't matter, actually. I've been to thousands of meetings since then. What I do remember saying is: "For the first time in a very long time, I have hope - hope I don't have to die!" See, it does get better! In strange, mysterious ways but one day, feeling better about yourself will gently creep up on you and then you will reach out to others and connect with their despair and sorrow and hurt and want to assure them too.

You are not using! Wonderful! Great! Good on you! Be proud of how far you have come! The fog is clearing, slowly but it is clearing. You may not be happy about that but 'happy' is an elusive goal and for tomorrow. Today I wish for serenity, contentment, balance in my life and in my thinking. If I can achieve that for just one day, I'll be happy - that day!

I'm so sorry I have gone so long on this post but I could hear myself in your 'voice' and wanted to share my experiences, my hopes with you. I hope you don't mind. Take what works for you. Discard what doesn't. But do not give up hope. Someone is taking care of the details. Just get up in the morning, declare your intention to be clean and sober, take the steps to acco,plish that - one day at a time! Stick around! See what happens!

hugs,
DonnaParadise