fear of intimacy

[disenchanted 1]

I would greatly appreciate your input!

I am a 22 year old female. About 8 months ago, I was introduced to a guy through a friend, a gentlemen a year older than me who recently graduated with an economics bachelor degree. Since we were both interested we went on 3 dates. At that point I noted a lot of insecurities and the fact that he does not know what he is doing with his life. Ultimately, the date crumbled and we lost contact until last week when I bumped into him and obviously found him still very much interested and myself captured by him once again. So I gave him my phone number again. We went out on 2 dates and everything was going great. We hit it off great and we bonded very much. I noted once again that he had insecurity problems despite the fact that he is a very attractive guy and that recently his parents were divorced. He opened up to me and told me that both of his parents and himself had problems with alcohol. However, this time round I also realized what a wonderful guy he seems: a quite, genuine/honest, introspective, intelligent, very talented, and mature guy. The main problem facing us was that I am leaving for graduate school in a month and he is leaving for japan for couple of months to a year to teach and come back. On the third day as we were kissing I noted his lack of enthusiasm at this level of physical intimacy. He seemed to hold back. and then all at once he stopped and told me that "his life is really fu**** up and that he has so many issues that he needs to deal with and he doesn't want to bring me down". Interestingly, he also mentioned that initially he thought he could handle it but I can see right through him and he cares what I think (this was in response to me just telling him that I felt he had lots of insecurities and that he has no reason to have those) He added that he "already felt like this toward me after two dates and that he didn't wanna leave this all in one month". At first he suggested that we just be friends without physical intimacy but then he said that he wants to say goodbye and cut EVERYTHING off to my shock!!! Just as everything was going great he did this. Yes I agree with the difficulty of long distance relationship but why does he have to cut everything off, we can still bond and be friends? The whole time I argued with him and tried to convince him that we should still be friends and that I want to help him and reach out to him. He mentions that when he goes to japan he "wants to leave EVERYTHING behind" He truly drew me in with his problems and my heart went out to him. I dont know how but I bonded with him so quickly and i felt so intensely for him....I have had lots of problems in the past too, particularly with eating disorder and depression and I could feel his pain but of course I didn't tell him about this, I just mentioned that I too have been through emotional difficulties. The most dazzling aspect of this is that he tells me "what a wonderful girl I am" and how I am a "one in a million catch" but then he turns around and wants to cut everything off? I am at a loss of explaination for this situation. Does this arise from fear of intimacy?

lastly since he said goodbye abruptly I called him back the next day and left him a message basically saying that I called with no expectation of him calling me back and that I truly enjoyed our dates and that I am always here if he should need me and I will text message my email address to him and leave that option to him if he wants to contact me and best of luck in japan and that I hope he can find the strength to overcome his problems..." that's it. I just dont know what to do. I want to help him but I dont understand why he would sabotage this whole situation. Please help me understand this because I have a nagging feeling that perhaps I drove him away or that he didn't like me althought he seemed a very genuine guy.

Please help me decipher the situation because it has effected me very much. Thanks again for taking the time to read through this.

[GuyBlakeKett]

Dear disenchanted -

You're very eloquent about the pain this is causing and my heart goes out to you. But this post would be far more appropriate addressed to our resident therapist - Mark Sichel. May I suggest you cut-and-paste it on his forum instead of here? (This forum is about addiction and recovery.)

I wish you well - and I'm sure Mark will be able to shed some light on what you're going through.

Very best,
Guy

[disenchanted 1]

thank you so much guy. Apologize for mistakenly posting here. Wish you the best.