question about pulling away from family...

[Mystimead]

Hi Mark, I appreciate the time you are taking to read this. I will make it as brief as I can.
I am 32, married and 1 of 4 girls who grew up with an alcoholic mother. I was always the peacemaker of the family. None of us were ever in denial about mom's alcoholism except for her. Just so you understand the situation (complicated) mother is also a sex/love addict. Every month she has a new love interest, along with multiple sex partners along with a nightly drinking problem. She is always obsessive, jealous, immature and very sexual in relationships. I have always felt sorry for her to have such a distorted way of seeing and living life.
But something has happened to me this year. My husband and I moved to a new state that is a six hour drive from my mom. I moved with the agreement that I would come to visit often. I have always spent a lot of time with my mother. But since I have moved I have a completely different perception of her. I can't stand her to put it mildly. I avoid her calls, I want nothing to do with her. She loves me dearly, sees absolutely nothing wrong with her behavior, and thinks I am no fun. I keep cancelling visits to see my family which includes her alcoholic parents, siblings etc. They think she is a wonderful person and see no problem with her drinking, love or sex life. I feel like I need space to not talk to them, not see them and deal with this anger and disgust I am now feeling towards the family. I can't explain this to them because their denial is so deep and so unpenetratable that they would think I was nuts.
Okay to sum up... What the PROBLEM I have, and am asking about in all this, is regarding distancing myself from my family which I have never done in my life. Is it normal/okay to not talk to a whole family? I just can't handle the thought of spending time with them. I feel so much guilt regarding them. I am changing, and they are all the same. In my honest opinion a bunch of sick freaks that I wouldn't give the time of day to if they weren't family. Any advice would be really really appreciated.
Thanks!
Mysti...

[splendra]

Mystimead-

When I started dealing with the problems of growing up in an addicted family I moved away and avoided contact with my family for several years. I had a lot of issues with my mom. I did not have a phone for a while so she got used to not talking to me after a while.

For me to get away and detach from my family was the only way for me to come to terms with how I grew up.I knew they loved me and wanted to hear from me. At times I felt a little guilty about staying away and not calling.

I eventually did get a phone it didn't take long for my mom to start calling almost everyday. I kept the conversations brief. I sent her cards on her birthdays and on holidays. She did evenually start wanting to talk about my problems with the family but, she would get mad sometimes and not call . I did manage to speak my mind and not try to hide how I felt about certain things. It was a tough period in my life. But it was also good because I got in touch with myself and my values and what I wanted from and for myself. It was a giant step forward for me.

It is hard to communicate with people who are addicted when you are not. My family is still very addicted and I live much closer now and they have delivered some pretty hard blows since I have moved back. Sometimes I wish I never did come back but, at this point I am trying to make the most of it.

I hope this gives you a little insight. My family grosses me out sometimes. Mom is getting older and I know she will probably not be around much longer so I want to be here and help where it makes sence for me to. But, sometimes it seems like thay are inviting me for a shallow wade and I end up in quick sand....

[needtogrowup]

Hi, I am a newbie with 5 days from weed clean. I thought i'd chk out other sites. found this one and noted that there is no reply. Do you get reply's or are they private. Just wondering as I may ask the expert some questions if he will reply. randa

[MarkSichelCSW]

Hi Mysti
The one word you leave out in your description of your mother's behavior is abusive and I think that's very central; her drinking and sexual addiction behavior is ultimately abusive toward you (and your siblings) because it makes her addiction much more important than any of you.

In your case, I think it's good to be away from your family and take time to heal and repair from your years of being a child of an alcoholic.

Ultimately, you need to feel good about yourself and in your case being the best daughter to your mother isn't any more important than being the best wife to your husband, and to also...very importantely...have compassion for yourself. After all, being the family peacekeeper means there's ultimately nothing left for you.

My situation in life was very similar to yours and I regret waiting for so many years before saying no to the abusiveness of my family and waiting for so long to resign as peace maker. My life is much better though because of that growth.

I think you'd find AlAnon or ACOA meetings helpful in getting through this and I also think you'd find my book, Healing From Family Rifts very helpful to your situation. I've also written alot more about this problem if you want to read more at www.psybersquare.com

I do, however, think you're doing the correct thing and want to emphasize that.

[Mystimead]

Thank you Mark for your response! I am going to check out the web link that you have posted, and I am also going to get your book.
I know Alanon would be a very good thing for me, I just haven't had the motivation at this point to go to a meeting. I am working on that.
Take care and Thank you,
Mysti...

[MarkSichelCSW]

Take it from me...Al Anon is a life saver. I went to meetings regularly at the height of crises with my family....and I am a therapist, expert, blah,blah blah...Al Anon saved my life and sanity when my family tried to take my life and sanity away. Its a great program and a great help. You owe it to yourself after all you've been through.

[Mystimead]

Mark, I just bought your book at Borders and have been looking at your website. I am so glad I came here and asked you for advice. I don't hear a lot of people talking about this issue and there definately is a lot of confusion and guilt regarding this. Thanks for your help and I will start reading tonight!
Mysti...