Age Appropriate Conversations about Drugs and Alcohol
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
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Age Appropriate Conversations about Drugs and Alcohol
Age Appropriate Conversations about Drugs and Alcohol
Pre-schoolers (3-5 year olds)-children at this age are learning to make their own decisions and handle their feelings. They need help to understand what they see and hear. They don’t need a lot of details at this age; instead, talk about drugs in general. You can:
• Teach them that some drugs are important, like the ones a doctor gives you. Others can make you act strangely.
• Talk about which people they can trust to take them places, feed them, or give them medicine.
• Teach the difference between real and pretend.
• Teach self-help skills like brushing teeth or washing hands.
• Help them to learn to develop solutions by breaking problems down into smaller pieces.
Children (6-10 year olds)-these children want to be grown up and make their own choices. Friends are very important. They may have a hard time focusing on the future. You can:
• Focus on the here and now when you discuss drugs.
• Set clear rules and support healthy friendships.
• Talk about what alcohol and drugs are like, why they are against the law and harm they can do.
• Help them to see the difference between quick fixes and long-term solutions.
• Explain about their own risk of substance abuse because of their parent’s. Explain that risk doesn’t mean something will happen, only that it is more likely. However, you are able to make your own healthy choices.
• Explain how the bodies of children who have substance-abusing parents react differently than most people do to alcohol and other drugs.
Teens (11-18 year olds)-all teens are at high-risk for drug problems—even more so if they have a substance-abusing parent. They have a strong need to be liked by their peers, even if it means disobeying adults. You can:
• Appeal to their vanity. Talk about the ways drugs affect the body—stained teeth, bad breath and acne.
• Talk about how and why addiction happens, and what that means to people who are children of substance abusers.
• Help teens come up with ways to take a stand against peer pressure. Talk about how drugs are stronger now then they ever have been.
What to say about Parental Substance Abuse
• Explain addiction-why people start using drugs and how they become addicted. How alcohol and other drugs can make parents behave abnormally.
• Explain recovery and relapse- make sure children understand that people do recover. And that relapse does not mean failure.
• Children are not responsible-children need to know that they cannot cause their parent’s drug or alcohol problem. They cannot control it. And they can’t cure it.
• Love is okay-it is okay to love an addicted parent. No one is all bad or all good.
• Coping skills-help the child recognize how they have coped with past challenges. And how most children of substance abusers do not become addicted.
• High risk-children of substance abusers need to know that they are at high risk for developing their own problem relationships with alcohol and other drugs. Explain that their bodies respond to substances in a way that is different from how other people’s bodies respond to substances in a way that is different from how other people’s bodies respond.
• The truth-children need clear facts and information. It is not necessary to include the most painful details, but it is important to speak honestly and openly. Even children as young as three or four can understand the facts when they are presented simply.
Parental Drug Abuse Long-term effects on children
• The children never forget what they went through, inability to let go of the past, fear of the future
• Learning can be delayed or “off track”
• Some have been traumatized by watching their parents spiral out of control
• Nightmares of moms and dads getting hurt or never coming back to them
• Fear of the law (taking mommy and daddy away)
• Mistrust and doubt of their parents always in the back of their minds
• Through watching their parents they have learned to lie and hide the truth from people who could actually help them
• A lot of behavior problems, angry, acting out, hitting
• Worried about what is going on at home when they are at school
• Lying, manipulating
• Lack of social interaction-poor social skills
• Unresolved grief-cry a lot
• Feeling of abandonment
• Very parentified, need to control/manage situations
• Shame and guilt about their parents’ actions
• Inability to follow through with directives, goals, etc.
• Intense need for structure
• Very poor boundaries
• Need to keep secrets
• Inability to express their feelings appropriately
• Behind in their school work, shame about not having skills
• Learning disabilities
• Attachment barriers
• Fear of authority figures
FACTORS THAT AFFECT HOW CHILDREN EXPERIENCE PARENTAL SUBSTANCE ABUSE
• Severity of substance abuse-Is the parent a binge user? Continuous user? (Research shows the continuous user family showed more damage on children)
• Drug of choice-How does this drug make the person act when using? Different? More aggressive? More passive? Each drug works differently on the body. Children’s behavior will become in sync with both extremes of the rebound effect, the euphoria as well as the crashes, or the hangovers. Children learn what behavior is appropriate and expected at different times in the parent’s rebound cycle. The child becomes responsive to the drug, not the parent
• Rate of addiction-A parent who uses a drug such as alcohol is likely to take a long time to develop an addiction, in contrast to the parent who uses a drug such as crack cocaine. This means that the role changes for the child are affected by the addictive quality of the parent’s drug of choice.
• Illegal or legal drug-Is dealing part of the use? Legality is a major issue because it indicates social acceptance, thus, less shame involved. Additionally, advertisements for alcohol make that acceptable. The portrait of alcohol use and its associated behaviors in advertisements is often in conflict with the child’s reality and so adds to greater confusion with reality.
• Child’s perception of drug use-If drug use is perceived as a crisis; the child usually gets locked in. Some children can’t respond well in a crisis, others do.
• Parent’s gender and role-Girls with addicted fathers are more likely to marry an addicted person. Women that are addicted have a greater impact on children if they are the primary caregivers.
• Age of child when problem developed-How old was the child when the parent started using? Entered recovery? Died? When the addiction escalated? Research shows that younger children (aged 4-10) were more seriously affected than adolescents.
WHY ADDICTS CONTINUE TO USE WHEN THEY HAVE CHILDREN
• Overwhelming feelings of shame and guilt over their past actions with children and others.
• Past sexual and physical abuse issues as children and adults bring a lot of painful memories to surface when they are not using. Inability to manage or express these emotions.
• To kill the pain following visits with their children; using makes them quit crying and seems to help them ‘manage’ their feelings.
• Lack of structure in their lives. Too much time on their hands to fill when they are clean and sober and the urge to use is strong.
• Lack of healthy support systems. Many of our families come from generations of substance abuse and healthy family support is lacking.
• Fear of making new friends and losing contact with old, familiar friends or substance abusing partners.
• Drugs help maintain the weight. Weight gain is a huge problem for recovering addicts and also a very serious relapse trigger. Developing a healthy self-image is a process.
• Very low self-esteem and feelings of total worthlessness. They do not feel worthy of good things in their lives and have an inability to accept or maintain these events. Sometimes tend to use twice as much as when their kids were home.
• Old using friends seem to offer a lot of drugs at the lowest times in their lives when they didn’t before.
• Enabling family members make it easier to use.
• They think they won’t get caught this time. Use of Internet and word of mouth from other addicts to find ways to alter drug tests.
• After a period of sobriety things gradually get better with children, being employed and feeling good; they begin to believe they can control their use and relapse.
• The belief that they can successfully drink alcohol invariably leads many back to using. Many addicts say that they didn’t have a problem with alcohol and believe they are still clean if they just stay away from their drug of choice.
• Keeping secrets from their past and/or present actions. Shame over keeping these secrets can lead to relapse.
• Inability to manage or validate the importance of their emotions. Begin to believe their feelings have no value and do not understand the relapse process.
• Many addicts use the excuse they are too busy to go to NA/AA meetings or claim that ‘everyone there is using’. Healthy support from people in some sort of recovery program is vital to those who are addicted to drugs/alcohol.
• Lack of trust in systems that could help them. Fear of telling the truth and the consequences for doing so.
• Feeling overwhelmed with the responsibilities that getting and staying clean entail (i.e. housing, treatment, children’s behaviors, employment, health issues, availability of services in rural areas, transportation, etc.)
Pre-schoolers (3-5 year olds)-children at this age are learning to make their own decisions and handle their feelings. They need help to understand what they see and hear. They don’t need a lot of details at this age; instead, talk about drugs in general. You can:
• Teach them that some drugs are important, like the ones a doctor gives you. Others can make you act strangely.
• Talk about which people they can trust to take them places, feed them, or give them medicine.
• Teach the difference between real and pretend.
• Teach self-help skills like brushing teeth or washing hands.
• Help them to learn to develop solutions by breaking problems down into smaller pieces.
Children (6-10 year olds)-these children want to be grown up and make their own choices. Friends are very important. They may have a hard time focusing on the future. You can:
• Focus on the here and now when you discuss drugs.
• Set clear rules and support healthy friendships.
• Talk about what alcohol and drugs are like, why they are against the law and harm they can do.
• Help them to see the difference between quick fixes and long-term solutions.
• Explain about their own risk of substance abuse because of their parent’s. Explain that risk doesn’t mean something will happen, only that it is more likely. However, you are able to make your own healthy choices.
• Explain how the bodies of children who have substance-abusing parents react differently than most people do to alcohol and other drugs.
Teens (11-18 year olds)-all teens are at high-risk for drug problems—even more so if they have a substance-abusing parent. They have a strong need to be liked by their peers, even if it means disobeying adults. You can:
• Appeal to their vanity. Talk about the ways drugs affect the body—stained teeth, bad breath and acne.
• Talk about how and why addiction happens, and what that means to people who are children of substance abusers.
• Help teens come up with ways to take a stand against peer pressure. Talk about how drugs are stronger now then they ever have been.
What to say about Parental Substance Abuse
• Explain addiction-why people start using drugs and how they become addicted. How alcohol and other drugs can make parents behave abnormally.
• Explain recovery and relapse- make sure children understand that people do recover. And that relapse does not mean failure.
• Children are not responsible-children need to know that they cannot cause their parent’s drug or alcohol problem. They cannot control it. And they can’t cure it.
• Love is okay-it is okay to love an addicted parent. No one is all bad or all good.
• Coping skills-help the child recognize how they have coped with past challenges. And how most children of substance abusers do not become addicted.
• High risk-children of substance abusers need to know that they are at high risk for developing their own problem relationships with alcohol and other drugs. Explain that their bodies respond to substances in a way that is different from how other people’s bodies respond to substances in a way that is different from how other people’s bodies respond.
• The truth-children need clear facts and information. It is not necessary to include the most painful details, but it is important to speak honestly and openly. Even children as young as three or four can understand the facts when they are presented simply.
Parental Drug Abuse Long-term effects on children
• The children never forget what they went through, inability to let go of the past, fear of the future
• Learning can be delayed or “off track”
• Some have been traumatized by watching their parents spiral out of control
• Nightmares of moms and dads getting hurt or never coming back to them
• Fear of the law (taking mommy and daddy away)
• Mistrust and doubt of their parents always in the back of their minds
• Through watching their parents they have learned to lie and hide the truth from people who could actually help them
• A lot of behavior problems, angry, acting out, hitting
• Worried about what is going on at home when they are at school
• Lying, manipulating
• Lack of social interaction-poor social skills
• Unresolved grief-cry a lot
• Feeling of abandonment
• Very parentified, need to control/manage situations
• Shame and guilt about their parents’ actions
• Inability to follow through with directives, goals, etc.
• Intense need for structure
• Very poor boundaries
• Need to keep secrets
• Inability to express their feelings appropriately
• Behind in their school work, shame about not having skills
• Learning disabilities
• Attachment barriers
• Fear of authority figures
FACTORS THAT AFFECT HOW CHILDREN EXPERIENCE PARENTAL SUBSTANCE ABUSE
• Severity of substance abuse-Is the parent a binge user? Continuous user? (Research shows the continuous user family showed more damage on children)
• Drug of choice-How does this drug make the person act when using? Different? More aggressive? More passive? Each drug works differently on the body. Children’s behavior will become in sync with both extremes of the rebound effect, the euphoria as well as the crashes, or the hangovers. Children learn what behavior is appropriate and expected at different times in the parent’s rebound cycle. The child becomes responsive to the drug, not the parent
• Rate of addiction-A parent who uses a drug such as alcohol is likely to take a long time to develop an addiction, in contrast to the parent who uses a drug such as crack cocaine. This means that the role changes for the child are affected by the addictive quality of the parent’s drug of choice.
• Illegal or legal drug-Is dealing part of the use? Legality is a major issue because it indicates social acceptance, thus, less shame involved. Additionally, advertisements for alcohol make that acceptable. The portrait of alcohol use and its associated behaviors in advertisements is often in conflict with the child’s reality and so adds to greater confusion with reality.
• Child’s perception of drug use-If drug use is perceived as a crisis; the child usually gets locked in. Some children can’t respond well in a crisis, others do.
• Parent’s gender and role-Girls with addicted fathers are more likely to marry an addicted person. Women that are addicted have a greater impact on children if they are the primary caregivers.
• Age of child when problem developed-How old was the child when the parent started using? Entered recovery? Died? When the addiction escalated? Research shows that younger children (aged 4-10) were more seriously affected than adolescents.
WHY ADDICTS CONTINUE TO USE WHEN THEY HAVE CHILDREN
• Overwhelming feelings of shame and guilt over their past actions with children and others.
• Past sexual and physical abuse issues as children and adults bring a lot of painful memories to surface when they are not using. Inability to manage or express these emotions.
• To kill the pain following visits with their children; using makes them quit crying and seems to help them ‘manage’ their feelings.
• Lack of structure in their lives. Too much time on their hands to fill when they are clean and sober and the urge to use is strong.
• Lack of healthy support systems. Many of our families come from generations of substance abuse and healthy family support is lacking.
• Fear of making new friends and losing contact with old, familiar friends or substance abusing partners.
• Drugs help maintain the weight. Weight gain is a huge problem for recovering addicts and also a very serious relapse trigger. Developing a healthy self-image is a process.
• Very low self-esteem and feelings of total worthlessness. They do not feel worthy of good things in their lives and have an inability to accept or maintain these events. Sometimes tend to use twice as much as when their kids were home.
• Old using friends seem to offer a lot of drugs at the lowest times in their lives when they didn’t before.
• Enabling family members make it easier to use.
• They think they won’t get caught this time. Use of Internet and word of mouth from other addicts to find ways to alter drug tests.
• After a period of sobriety things gradually get better with children, being employed and feeling good; they begin to believe they can control their use and relapse.
• The belief that they can successfully drink alcohol invariably leads many back to using. Many addicts say that they didn’t have a problem with alcohol and believe they are still clean if they just stay away from their drug of choice.
• Keeping secrets from their past and/or present actions. Shame over keeping these secrets can lead to relapse.
• Inability to manage or validate the importance of their emotions. Begin to believe their feelings have no value and do not understand the relapse process.
• Many addicts use the excuse they are too busy to go to NA/AA meetings or claim that ‘everyone there is using’. Healthy support from people in some sort of recovery program is vital to those who are addicted to drugs/alcohol.
• Lack of trust in systems that could help them. Fear of telling the truth and the consequences for doing so.
• Feeling overwhelmed with the responsibilities that getting and staying clean entail (i.e. housing, treatment, children’s behaviors, employment, health issues, availability of services in rural areas, transportation, etc.)
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