Building Healthy Boundaries

 
Old 03-22-2013, 11:10 AM
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Ann
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Building Healthy Boundaries

What is a boundary?

A boundary is the:
• Emotional and physical space between you and another person.

• Demarcation of where you end and another begins and where you begin and another ends.

• Limit or line over which you will not allow anyone to cross because of the negative impact of its being crossed in the past.

• Established set of limits over your physical and emotional well-being which you expect others to respect in their relationship with you.

• Emotional and physical space you need in order to be the real you without the pressure from others to be something that you are not.

• Emotional and/or physical perimeter of your life which is or has been violated when you were emotionally, verbally, physically and/or sexually abused.

• Healthy emotional and physical distance you can maintain between you and another so that you do not become overly enmeshed and/or dependent.

• Appropriate amount of emotional and physical closeness you need to maintain so that you and another do not become too detached and/or overly independent.

• Balanced emotional and physical limits set on interacting with another so that you can achieve an interdependent relationship of independent beings who do not lose their personal identity, uniqueness and autonomy in the process.

• Clearly defined limits within which you are free to be yourself with no restrictions placed on you by others as to how to think, feel or act.

• Set of parameters which make you a unique, autonomous and free individual who has the freedom to be a creative, original, idiosyncratic problem solver.


Signs of ignored boundaries


You can tell boundaries are being ignored if there are one or more of the following characteristic symptoms:

• Over Enmeshment: This symptom requires everyone to follow the rule that everyone must do everything together and that everyone is to think, feel and act in the same way. No one is allowed to deviate from the family or group norms. Everyone looks homogeneous. Uniqueness, autonomy and idiosyncratic behaviors are viewed as deviations from the norm.

• Disassociation: This symptom involves blanking out during a stressful emotional event. You feel your physical and/or emotional space being violated and you tell yourself something like: "It doesn't matter." "Ignore it and it will go away soon enough.'' "No sense in fighting it, just hang on and it will be over soon.'' "Don't put up a struggle or else it will be worse for you.'' This blanking out results in your being out of touch with your feelings about what happened. It also may result in your inability to remember what happened.

• Excessive Detachment: This symptom occurs when neither you nor anyone else in the group or family is able to establish any fusion of emotions or affiliation of feelings. Everyone is totally independent from everyone else and there doesn't seem to be anything to hold you and them together in healthy union. You and they seem to lack a common purpose, goal, identity or rationale for existing together. There is a seeming lack of desire from you and the other members to draw together to form a union because you fear loss of personal identity.

• Victimhood or Martyrdom: In this symptom, you identify yourself as a violated victim and become overly defensive to ward off further violation. Or it can be that once you accept your victimization you continue to be knowingly victimized and then let others know of your martyrdom.

• Chip on the Shoulder: This symptom is reflected in your interactions with others. Because of your anger over past violation of your emotional and/or physical space and the real or perceived ignoring of your rights by others, you have a "chip on your shoulder'' that declares "I dare you to come too close!''

• Invisibility: This symptom involves your pulling in or over-controlling so that others even yourself never know how you are really feeling or what you are really thinking. Your goal is not to be seen or heard so that your boundaries are not violated.

• Aloofness or Shyness: This symptom is a result of your insecurity from real or perceived experiences of being ignored, roved or rejected in the past. This feels like a violation of your efforts to expand or stretch your boundaries to include others in your space. Once rejected you take the defensive posture to reject others before they reject you. This keeps you inward and unwilling or fearful of opening up your space to others.

• Cold and Distant: This symptom builds walls or barriers to insure that others do not permeate or invade your emotional or physical space. This too can be a defense, due to previous hurt and pain, from being violated, hurt, ignored or rejected. This stance is your declaration that "I've drawn the line over which I dare you to cross.'' It is a way to keep others out and put them off.

• Smothering: This symptom results when another is overly solicitous of your needs and interests. This cloying interest is overly intrusive into your emotional and physical space. It can be so overwhelming that you feel like you are being strangled, held too tightly and lack freedom to breathe on your own. You feel violated, used and overwhelmed.

• Lack of Privacy: this symptom is present when you feel that nothing you think, feel or do is your own business. You are expected to report to others in your family or group all the detail and content of your feelings, reactions, opinions, relationships and dealings with the outside world. You begin to feel that nothing you experience can be kept in the privacy of your own domain. You begin to believe you don't have a private domain or your own space into which you can escape to be your own person.
Rational boundary building thinking

These are just a few examples of unhealthy thoughts or beliefs which allow boundaries to be ignored or violated. Following each unhealthy belief is a more healthy, rational, realistic, reality-based affirmation for healthy boundary building.

• Unhealthy: I can never say "no'' to others.

• Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to say "no'' to others if it is an invasion of my space or a violation of my rights.

• Unhealthy: It is my duty to hold them together.

• Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to take care of myself. If they want to stay together as a family or group, it is up to each individual to make such a decision. They all have equal responsibility to create the interdependency needed to keep us a united group.

• Unhealthy: I can never trust anyone again.

• Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to take the risk to grow in my relationships with others. If I find my space or rights are being violated or ignored, I can assertively protect myself to ensure I am not hurt.

• Unhealthy: I would feel guilty if I did something on my own and left my family or group out of it.

• Healthy Boundary Builder: I have the right and need to do things which are uniquely mine so that I do not become so overly enmeshed with others that I lose my identity.

• Unhealthy: I should do everything I can to spend as much time together with you or else we won't be a healthy family or group.

• Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right and a need to explore my own interests, hobbies and outlets so that I can bring back to this family or group my unique personality to enrich our lives rather than be lost in a closed and over enmeshed system.

• Unhealthy: It doesn't matter what they are doing to me. As long as I keep quiet and don't complain, they will eventually leave me alone.

• Healthy Boundary Builder: I will never again allow my space and rights to be violated. I will stand up for myself and assert my rights to be respected and not hurt or violated. If they choose to ignore me, then I have the right to leave them or ask them to get out of my life.

• Unhealthy: As long as I am not seen or heard, I won't be violated or hurt.

• Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to be visible and to be seen and heard. I will stand up for myself so that others can learn to respect my rights, my needs and not violate my space.

• Unhealthy: I'd rather not pay attention to what is happening to me in this relationship which is overly intrusive, smothering and violating my privacy. In this way I don't have to feel the pain and hurt that comes from such a violation.

• Healthy Boundary Builder: I choose no longer to disassociate from my feelings when I am being treated in a negatively painful way so that I can be aware of what is happening to me and assertively protect myself from further violation or hurt.

• Unhealthy: I've been hurt badly in the past and I will never let anyone in close enough to hurt me again.

• Healthy Boundary Builder: I do not need to be cold and distant or aloof and shy as protective tools to avoid being hurt. I choose to open myself up to others trusting that I will be assertive to protect my rights and privacy from being violated.

• Unhealthy: I can never tell where to draw the line with others.

• Healthy Boundary Builder: There is a line I have drawn over which I do not allow others to cross. This line ensures me my uniqueness, autonomy and privacy. I am able to be me the way I really am rather than the way people want me to be by drawing this line. By this line I let others know: this is who I am and where I begin and you end; this is who you are and where you begin and I end; we will never cross over this line so that we can maintain a healthy relationship with one another.

How to establish healthy boundaries...In order to establish healthy boundaries between yourself and others, you need to:

• First: Identify the symptoms of your boundaries currently being or having been violated or ignored.

• Second: Identify the irrational or unhealthy thinking and beliefs by which you allow your boundaries to be ignored or violated.

• Third: Identify new, more rational, healthy thinking and beliefs which will encourage you to change your behaviors so that you build healthy boundaries between you and others.

• Fourth: Identify new behaviors you need to add to your healthy boundary building behaviors repertoire in order to sustain healthy boundaries between you and others.

• Fifth: Implement the healthy boundary building beliefs and behaviors in your life so that your space, privacy and rights are no longer ignored or violated.

Steps to establishing healthy boundaries

Step 1: In order to motivate yourself to establish healthy boundaries in your life, you first need to do a self-assessment if any symptoms of ignored or violated boundaries exist in your life. In your journal, record which of the following symptoms exist for you. For each symptom identified, detail what was the stimulus in your past for this behavior. Also detail how this symptom affects your current life. Lastly, describe how you feel about this symptom's affect on your life.The Violated or Ignored Boundaries Symptoms * Over-enmeshment* Disassociation* Excessive detachment* Victimhood or martyrdom* Chip on the shoulder* Invisibility* Aloofness or shyness* Cold and distant* Smothering* Lack of privacy

Step 2: Once you have identified the symptoms of your boundaries being ignored or violated and what the stimulus was for these symptoms, then you need to identify in your journal what unhealthy thoughts or irrational beliefs you have which led you to have your boundaries violated or ignored.

Step 3: After you have the irrational beliefs and unhealthy thoughts identified, then in your journal write down affirmations which are healthy boundary builders. You will need these boundary builders as you begin to take steps to protect your rights, privacy and personal space.

Step 4: In order to ensure your healthy boundaries are maintained, you next need to add the following behaviors to your healthy boundary builders repertoire. Each healthy boundary-builder behavior is linked to a respective Tools for Coping Series topic. To ensure the healthy boundary-building behaviors are in place, work out in your journal each of the "Steps to" sections of the boundary-builder behavior topics referenced.

Healthy Boundary-Builder Behaviors

• Building Trust
• Handling Insecurity
• Handling Fear of Rejection
• Handling the Need for Approval
• On Becoming a Risk taker
• Becoming Vulnerable
• Handling Intimacy
• Goal Setting in Relationships
• Overcoming Fears
• Improving Assertive Behavior
• Accepting Personal Responsibility
• Handling Conflict
• Handling Guilt
• Overcoming the Role of Victim or Martyr
• Handling the Use of Power and Control
• Handling Confrontation
• Handling Forgiving and Forgetting
• Creating a Healing Environment
• Developing Detachment
• Eliminating Over-dependency
• Eliminating Passive Aggressiveness
• Eliminating Manipulation
• Tempering Survival Behaviors
• Developing Self-Control

Step 5:Once you have completed acquiring the healthy boundary-building behaviors, then begin to implement them as you proceed in your relationships at home, work and in your community. If you find you are still experiencing your emotional and/or physical boundaries being ignored or violated, then return to Step 1 and begin again.

1. Put Your Trust In Your God. The Universe is controlled by a divine power. Put your trust in the power of prayer and listen to the answers. Throughout my marriage, I prayed for the strength to get through some very difficult times. Not being an addict myself, I cannot understand putting a chemical in my body and holding that chemical in a more important place than my family. I just don't get it but in the end, if your spouse won't seek professional help for drug and alcohol addictions, it's probably time to go. I was so frightened, and I felt I had not option but to leave to protect myself (and the children). In the beginning, I was dumb-founded (I still am) that he would choose drugs over us, his family, but THAT WAS his choice. Although I can't control his choices, I AM affected by his choices, and I CAN control HOW I will react to those choices. So, I pray...a lot.

2. Get Legal Advice - Know that anything a drug addict says, no matter how sincere it seems at face value, is driven by the drugs. Whether the discussion is about the children or money, don't trust anything an addict says. A professional told me that when you are divorcing a drug addict, you MUST face the fact that a drug addict is having an affair! You (and the children, if there are children) are no longer the primary focus for a spouse with drug/alcohol issues. An affair with the drugs is very difficult for the other spouse to "fight". (A friend of mine went through a divorce with a partner that was a chronic "cheater", she felt my situation was easier. Divorcing a drug addict is the same as divorcing a "cheater" - the trust is gone! Once the trust is gone - it's gone!) So, unfortunately, you must have legal representation, unless the addict is willing to sign everything over and just walk away. If your spouse is willing to "give" you everything, you should still have an attorney and perhaps an accountant review and advise you on any short term, long term and/or tax implications. Check with friends or go online and get referrals from chat rooms, web forums or even Twitter can guide you to websites to help you do some research, but in the end, get professional advice.

3. Get Support from Friends. A divorce is emotionally draining. Typically, your friends and family don't want to hear it, but it's really important to have someone that is willing to listen and just offer support. Not guidance, just support.

4. Get Therapy. If you can afford to visit with a therapist, I would highly recommend that you do that. A trained professional can help you understand the inner brain workings of a drug/alcohol addict. AND, whether you want to hear it or not, at some level you have some responsibility in all this. A therapist can help you see the areas where you have to take ownership of this crisis. There are studies out now, that have revealed that people with addictions have a gene that can be identified. You may have to face the fact that, perhaps, you were an "enabler". Ultimately, though, the responsibility for the addictions rest squarely on the shoulders of the addict. Unless, of course, you were the one that held your spouse down and physically forced the drugs into their body.

5. Blog. If you live in a bubble, where you haven't access to friends, family and therapists then I would suggest that you blog or at the very least journal. Even if you do have friends and family, these support systems, firstly, get tired of hearing about your indignations and hurts and secondly, your friends and family, unless they have been through it, may not know how to support you. It's one thing to have friends and family that can support you in a divorce, however, divorcing an addict is NOT like going through a "normal" "irreconcilable differences" divorce. Go online and find others that are fighting the same dragons, find chat rooms and forums that can give you guidance in finding lawyers and therapists etc. in your area of the country. It will give you a chance to rant with someone that understands and you can compare horror stories, that, trust me, may eventually, with time, seem mildly entertaining. Maybe, even funny.

6. Protect your Credit. Any divorce will cause disruptions with your credit score, and especially today with the current economic situation and problems with identity theft, it becomes even more important to protect your identity and your credit score. This is not just directed at outsiders, your spouse might try to hi-jack your identity, not just for their own self-serving practices but, sometimes, as was in my case, an attempt at causing you harm. In a divorce, both parties have the potential (and the motive) to cause harm to the others' credit. Horror stories abound about credit catastrophes caused by angry spouses - like..... running up credit cards in the other spouse's name and walking away. Enlist a service, that for a monthly fee, will monitor your credit score and advise you by email, if there are any changes to your credit score.

7. Set Up Your New Separate Identity. If it's not time right now, it will be soon. So, there's no time like the present to start using your own name and identity. Start recognizing yourself as YOU. Separate and apart from your identity as a spouse, having others recognize you as a person standing alone will help you feel more empowered. Think about reverting to your single name.

8. Take Your Time. Decisions made now, while not set in stone, are important and will have an impact. Whether you decide to move to a new home or city, whether you choose one lawyer over another. All these decisions are important. So make your choices wisely and be informed as best you can. Take advice from any and all sources you can, but remember you are the one that has to live with the long term impact of the choices. So make your choices and decisions wisely!

9. Don't Take Advice from Friends. All that being said, in number 8, recognize that you shouldn't take advice from friends as "set in stone". Take the input, weigh in out, balance it with information from searching the internet but just know that friends are biased. Unless your friends are trained professionals, and even then, while their input may be heartfelt, it might be totally wrong for your situation and they could be biased. Take all the input and apply what works to your individual situation.

10. Insurances. Make sure all your insurances are up to date. Medical, vehicle, home, life. In my situation, for whatever reason (I surmise his processes were clouded by the drug/alcohol usage), the car insurance didn't get paid and we were driving for months with no car insurance. In my state, that's illegal and it was reported to the state and that opened another can of worms, which caused further damage to my credit score. So take responsibility and make sure ALL your insurances are current.

11. Your Finances. Your finances are a very crucial part of a divorce. If at all possible, I would suggest that you should, unfortunately, preplan by tucking some money aside, before the divorce, in the event that things turn ugly. You will, at least, have access to SOME money to see you through some difficult roads ahead. Money in should always be more than money out, but particularly important during a divorce. Work diligently towards keeping credit cards in order. Continue, if at all possible, to add to your savings plan every month.. You really should be aware of tax ramifications and the long term impact - things that your lawyer may not have expertise in. Work with an accountant or a divorce planning financial expert. Hindsight is always 20/20 is how the saying goes and in looking back I realize that during my marriage, we lived off of one salary and banked the other. While in the marriage, I thought that was a great idea. Now though, when he closed the bank accounts and took all the money, I realize that wasn't such a good idea. Get an accountant.

12. Look After Yourself. The road ahead will be taxing and probably difficult, depending on how much of a time/emotional investment you made into your marriage. Take the time to relax, do whatever it is that brings some "you" time. Go for walks, play cards, ride horses, yoga, read, play the piano, it's important to find time to experience the things that bring you stress relief. Stress can be difficult to manage at any time in your life, but particularly during a divorce. The point is that a divorce CAN consume you, IF you let it. So, take the time to take time for you. Make sure you still get your hair done, your nails, pamper yourself and just know, that no matter what someone else may be telling you - you are worth it. Looking after yourself reinforces your energy levels, your resolve and your determination.
In the beginning of the end, (or the end of the beginning), I watched "Diary of a Mad Black Woman, I watched, "Enough", I watched, "Sleeping with the Enemy" and while I recognized parts of each of those movies in my marriage, more than anything I recognized that the common element is a certain "system" of emotions that run amuck. First comes the rush of fear, then indignation, then anger, then, fear again. More indignation, anger and then acceptance and resolution. Through it all, runs the desire to "hate" - eventually you come the resolution that these negative emotions fuel more of the same - through the Law of Attraction - so it's healthier (not easier - but healthier) to let it go. The Law of Attraction is very clear, whatever you focus on - whatever you think about you will bring more of into your life. Anger, brings more anger, conversely peace will bring more peace.

Drug and alcohol addicts don't do drugs and alcohol because of something you have done, they do drugs and alcohol because of something going on in their own reality. I used to get upset every time I opened an email offering to supply me with drugs without a prescription - somehow I was able to easily hit the delete button. I can't say the same thing for everyone - otherwise these websites would not survive. You give yourself too much credit if you think that you had anything to do with turning your spouse into an addict. At some level, even the addict can't control the behavior.

Hopefully, at some point, the addict will realize and reach out for the professional help that will help them heal.

Another tidbit that I will impart, I have been told by the drug addiction doctors that the drug addict will tell you that they have recovered. This was certainly the case in my personal story. Most drugs cannot be controlled by the addict going "cold turkey" on their own. Usually, these drugs have to be "de-toxed" out of the body using other drugs and a course of therapy and these things cannot be done on an out-patient basis. Once an addict has "recovered", that person's life will, forever, be "in recovery". Whatever the addiction gambling, drinking, drugs, on and on the list goes...... once the addiction has been "conquered", it will always be a challenge AND one addiction can be replaced for another! It's really important that addiction issues be dealt with by a licensed professional, under controlled settings.
So, let it go - don't take their choices personally, and as hard as it may seem, let them go...and pray for them.

I am not a professional, I encourage you to seek the advice of a licensed professional to help you make critical decisions.

Article Source: 12 Steps to Divorcing a Drug Addict
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