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Old 04-12-2003, 01:10 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Hubby chose crack again over me...

I had been reading everyone's post since the last few months of 2002, and I feel like I know everyone here already. Your stories have touched my heart, because my husband "D" of 6 years is a drug addict.

In October 2002, it was the last straw for me when he used. I had to call a suicide prevention hotline because he had hurt me so many, many, many times before, yet I stayed. (By the way, he is also on parole.) This last time he used, his parole agent decided to put him a recovery program rather than put him back in prison.

For the last 6 months, I saw him transform back to the man I first married. He kept a job steadily, made me very happy, and concentrated on this recovery. A week ago, we attended a ceremony where he received his 6 month certificate of being clean and sober, and it was his parole agent who presented it to him.

Last night, D did not come home, and his cell phone was turned off. I had not received any calls from him, the jails, the hospitals, etc. My heart is broken again, in tiny pieces, and I don't have any family or friends who understand. (I am not a drug addict so I came from a family where drugs never affected our lives.)

I don't know what to do. If I call his parole officer, he could go back to jail. If I wait it out...(he usually comes back within 3 to 4 day), I wouldn't know if anything happened to him. Everything seemed fine the last time I talked to him. It always seems to come so quickly, so unpredictably, that I could never prepare for it....

Can someone please help me find the courage to make it through this time, and the courage to finally say, "No more.." I can't do this anymore.....

Thanks for listening everyone. I will also pray for all of you...

Marissa
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Old 04-12-2003, 02:20 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Welcome!

Since you have been lurking you know that no one here is going to advise you to leave. Only you know the answer to that. I am sorry this has happened but until you see him you don't really know. Well, you do but you don't.

Addicts hurt themselves too. Not just us and I will bet he is kicking himself. I would not jump him as soon as he gets home no matter how angry you are. That is one sure way for him to be angry at you instead of himself. He will be looking for a way to blame anyone but him...don't fall into that trap.

You could calmly tell him what you told us. That you will not live this way and leave it at that. That leaves it open to leave tomorrow or in a year. It buys you time to wait and see. It also is honest.

Since you know all of us let us get to know you now.

Hugs,
JT
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Old 04-12-2003, 02:53 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Hello,

As a wise person here once said to me......

"We know how much it hurts. Please try to remember that he is ill, and that his behavior has nothing to do with you. He is no longer "choosing" the way you or I do. Don't let your self-esteem suffer because of this. It's going to take a soul-level earthquake to put him on the right path."

I know it hurts. I know it feels like he has chosen crack over you, but he didn't. He is sick and incapable of making that kind of decision. We are here for you, remember to be kind to yourself through these hard times.
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Old 04-12-2003, 03:03 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Marissa

I am glad that you finally decided to join us and I just want to send you hugs and prayers that you both can get through this.

Take comfort in the fact that he had 6 months. I believe that once they have tasted sobriety, they want it again and are often more willing to work for it.

I'm sure that you know by now that this is nothing to do with you. You didn't cause it, can't control it can't cure it. If you can possibly detach from this situation right now, it might be your best bet...just keep your balance and see if he is willing to make any moves back to recovery.

My son is a crack addict, so I know the pain of watching and also of waiting not knowing what has happened to him. It does often take a few days but they usually call and let us know what is happening. In the meantime take special care of yourself. If you haven't been to a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meeting, try one. It will help. And feel free to keep posting here, to cry, to vent, or just to share, because we care and will be here for you.

Welcome.
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Old 04-14-2003, 10:38 AM   #5 (permalink)
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tiger,
We share the same story, except I left on Tgiving 2002. It was the worst day of my life but I was left no choice.
I don't have the answers but I know that exact pain your feeling, it bring tears to my eyes.
You just stay strong and go on with your day when comes home he comes home and there isn't anything you can do or say.
He is what he is and he knows what he's doing and after the fact he knows that he has hurt himself and his family.
You have to decide for yourself how much you can live with and how its affecting your well being.
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Old 04-14-2003, 09:49 PM   #6 (permalink)
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JT, I think the one thing that's different this time is that I have made the resolve to end it. My A gets SO mean when he is high. But I don't know if I have the courage to go through with it. I want him in my life, but I don't want the drugs in my life. It just seems like a situation I could never win. I have to choose one life or the other. I feel like "Argh! This man is too addicted to stop, no matter how hard he tries!"

Melissa, thank you for reminding me to be kind to myself. Every SINGLE time in the past, I had always been kind to him first before me. I let him blame me for his use. I picked him up from jail after one night of being in a drunken stupor only to have him say unkind things. I don't understand what powerful hold he has over me. Am I just afraid of being alone? I have NO clue what I want to do...

anns...yes crack definitely is the one drug that keeps our loved ones on this stronghold that won't let go, no matter how many times you pray that the devil would release that line. When my A is on drugs, he is the meanest, scariest, wickedest human being (I don't know if I can even call it that) on the face of this earth. I hate the part about being left alone for days and days (sometimes weeks) feeling like an abandoned puppy. When I start to feel better about him not being around, he shows up and of course, I take him back. Why is it SO hard to stay away from crack???

bandibabe, I was very interested in your comment about leaving on Tgiving 2002. I can't imagine myself leaving my A, because even though these drug addicted times are the ones I remember the most because of the pain (each time the pain keeps getting deeper), a majority of the time that he is clean and sober has filled my life with great memories.

It's the 4th day, and I still have not seen him. I want to talk to him and see him, but I'm scared silly. It's unbearable when he's high, but it would be at least civil when he's coming down the stuff.

Thing is, what will I do when that time will come....IF the time will come...

Thanks to everyone for your support. It has helped me keep out the loneliness a little bit.


Marissa
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Old 04-15-2003, 06:05 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Tiger this might not be the right thing to say but I'm going to say it anyway. Your contradicting yourself in one sentence you say you've made the resolve to leave in the next your asking me how could I leave?
I said the same things myself a million times and packed my bags and never left another hundred times until one day I finally walked out the door.
Yes when he's not using times are great and he is the love of my life, but can I have a life never knowing when the other shoe is going to drop? NO
I could never make plans to invite anyone over my house because I never knew what that day would bring. & I could never go out when people invited me because they would ask where he is and I'd have to lie. What was I suppose to say he's home smoking crack.
I cried a million tears over this, but I know this is not the way I want to live my life & I know I want children someday and I would never bring them into a life like this.
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Old 04-15-2003, 08:43 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Hi Sweetie!

Yes, you are desperately afraid to be alone as most of us were in the beginning when we were trying to make the decision to leave our addict..... There is nothing wrong in realizing and admitting how frightening it is to leave a life you know - even one that is absolutely horrible and stepping out into the great big unknown world.....
But if you let the fear of the unknown control you - you will be stuck in this world of pain for the rest of your natural life. How could anything in the outside world be worse that what you are in now? It can't because you were given by your higher power the gift of CHOICE!!! If you don't like something - you can CHOOSE to do something about it.... MY question to you is - what are you choosing to do right now?

I know you are conflicted - I have been there too and everyone is right - we cannot tell you you need to leave - you need to do that - and actually you already have you just don't have enough faith in yourself to just go along with your convictions..... you are afraid you are not strong enough to survive by yourself...... The chulpa bunny - with her handy dandy frying pan - is here to smack you with love and say - that is utter and complete ********!

Every person here on these boards are some of the strongest people I know....We have all managed to carve out for ourselves a life and an exsistence in a space that most people could never imagine....Now close your eyes and imagine, just imagine what you could do if you took that strength, skill and determination and put it towards making your life - again i repeat - making YOUR LIFE what you want it to be!!! (notice I did not mention anything about the addict's life.......

As with anything in our lives - it is FEAR that traps us..... Realize that and you are one step closer to the freedom that you crave - and the definition of rfreedom is what ever you make it!

Love
Ogly
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Old 04-15-2003, 11:08 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Tiger,

You're afraid to leave him, right? But you're afraid when you're with him too , right?

You will know when you've had enough. It took me four years to finally reach my limit. We have not lived together for over a year, but we are still married. He has struggled with his recovery and has been in and out of re-habs and jail. Now I see him only while he is sober - that is the choice I made for myself.

My husband's doc is also crack. I call it "the demon drug". Remember that this, and most other drugs, can change this person and encourage him to do things to you, himself and others that he would never do if he was sober. I only say this because I want you to keep yourself safe.

I know it feels like he chose crack over you, but he didn't. He chose crack over himself. Believe me, he was only thinking of the high, nothing else, when he put that pipe to his mouth.

The friends here have a lot of wisdom to share so don't be afraid to ask for help. Come back often. Take a deep breath and take care of yourself.

God bless.
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Old 04-15-2003, 11:38 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Something else my addict used to tell me all the time after one of his binges - he needed his drug in order to feel normal because after awhile the high goes away..... It seems that they are always chasing thier very first high...... and it a chase that they never have a chance of winning.......

The hardest thing to remember is this is not about you when he choose to make the decision to go back out.... I never doubted how much my addict loved me and probably still does to this day... The guilt he carries with him is unbeleiveable.....but the choices he made - are just that - his choices..... and all choices have consequences.... his consequences is that I just decided I can not and will not have anything to do with him any more..... The pain got too great..... sounds silly - but it is easier to not watch himself killing himself....

Ogly
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Old 04-17-2003, 09:02 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Thank you j davis and ogly for your recent replies. I've been out of the forum for the last two days because, as you know, I'm going through it right now with my husband. I've been on an emotional roller coaster ride of misery, pain, and doubt.

By the way, I want to let those of you who are suffering know that I pray for all of you - those who have a loved one (especially a spouse) who is "out" there right now. It is so painful to NOT know where your loved one is, what they are doing, and IF they are safe. The waiting is the torture.

Anyway, in my situation, last night when my husband did not come home again (6th night), I was in unbearable misery that I prayed. I must have prayed so hard because the angels heard me and relayed the message to the Lord.

Hubby came home at 5AM this morning. Unfortunately, he was NOT ready to surrender himself yet. You can always tell by the look in their eyes when they are ready to come home, or if they still want to go use. Hubby straight told me he wanted to do drugs.

His explanation: his parole officer will now be looking for him. His options would be prison or a residential drug program (RDP). He could feel that I have reached the end of my rope and may not be there for him this time....whether he goes to prison or RDP. He feels such depression, shame, and guilt, that he wants to use some more to get rid of all the feelings. He wants to die but doesnt want to die....etc. etc.

Anyway, after three hours of being at home and rambling on about everything and anything, he left again. He said he would be back in 15 minutes. As it turned out, he took my ATM card when I wasn't looking....

I called in sick at work because now I had to take care of business like covering my checks. At this point, I think I am ready to leave him now....because if he could do something like that to me, then maybe he just didn't care about me or loved me enough to stop. It's gotten so much worse that he could lie and steal from his own wife. Is this something anyone has ever gone through or is it just me?

I just need the courage (and support) to know that I am finally doing the right thing. I can NOT allow myself to take him back again.

When my addicted husband goes out, he tends to take it to the limit and stretches it for days and days as long as he gets access to money... and I always end up being the loser. :-(


TE
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Old 04-17-2003, 09:59 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Hello TE,

I'm sorry for your pain. I know it's hard. I have the most wonderful son. He is a joy to be around when he is sober. I spent 3 wonderful months with him until he drank again. He instantly became mean and abusive. I learned to separate my son from his disease. This disease will rob, kill and destroy everything in it's path if it can. I cannot let this disease kill me and I can only pray it doesn't kill my son.

Right now drinking is the way my son survives. He will survive this way until he finds a better way to survive. He doesn't know there is a better way right now. He has been drinking for so long that he can't grow enough to find another way. It's going to have to get bad enough where the alternative (recovery) is easier than drinking.

None of us can take this disease personally. It knows no names and targets everyone in it's path. It is more powerful than all of us. We have to admit we are powerless and let a power greater than ourselves bring us all back to sanity.

You can't do this alone and finding an alanon or naranon group would probably benefit you more than you know. Having others around that share your experience can be so comforting. I've been where you are and found my way out. The same road will be there for you too. We all fall from time to time, but know how to get back up and move on. You have everything you need within yourself to live life. You just don't realize it yet.

Hugs,
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Old 04-18-2003, 05:28 AM   #13 (permalink)
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(((((((Tiger Eyes))))))))

I am so so sorry you are going through this with your husband. My husband's DOC is crack too, so I'm very familiar with the late nights, binges that last for days, and stolen ATM cards...

If you haven't already, call your bank and put a hold on your card. When and if you get it back, change the pin number, don't let him have the new number, and don't let him look over your shoulder while you're using it. When my husband took my ATM card, it broke my heart more than anything else he did when he was using, as weird as that may sound. Even though he's in recovery now, he will never know my pin number. I even changed the pin number to the date he took the card from me. It's not a very recovered thing for me to do I admit, but it was what I needed to do early on to keep me grounded in the reality of his sickness. It's not something I dwell on and except for writing about it today I haven't thought about it in a really long time. But the pain of it is still there. Maybe one day I'll be able to let it go, but I'm not there yet...

(Sorry for rambling off-topic!! )

Whatever you decide to do, we are here for you and we support you. You already have the courage and you're strong enough to tackle whatever you put your mind to. And I agree that you should find a nar-anon or al-anon meeting, so you can be around others who will support and care for you.

Take care and let us know how things are going.

Hugs,
JG
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Old 04-18-2003, 06:32 AM   #14 (permalink)
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We've all been there! Same story differant A.

In al-anon they say to go on w/your life don't let it affect you.
but look you had to call in sick to your job, so it does affect you in some way or another.
Since I left my A I have yet to call in sick for work go figure!
Think about it do you want to do prison visits? I've done them and I'm not sure if you have but its not fun.
Whatever you decide I wish you well, but PLEASE put yourself 1st.
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Old 04-18-2003, 07:12 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Tiger, I am so sorry you are going through all this pain... I have been there also... My hubby has taken lots of money, "borrowed" ATM card, applied and maxed out credit cards in my name... and everytime he did it... He has this big wonderful excuse of why he did... It was never drugs... it was always something else!!!! He use to make me feel as if There was something I did to deserve this kind of behavior... I also felt like the loser!!! He would disappear, not call, and I would be worried sick to my stomach too....
Tiger, Do something to protect your money.... Bills are reality and when someone is using money is no object... Right away I closed our mutual checking accounts, gave all the checks that had his name on it to the bank so they could destroy them (because when he was using he would write bad checks) and I opened my own account... I had to close all of our credit cards, and I told the companies what hubby was doing so they put a rush on deactiving my cards!!!!
There is nothing we can do to stop them from using... I have tried everything... but we can and we must protect ourselves....We cannot control it, we cannot cure it, and it's not our fault!!!!
Protect yourself Tiger!!!! and in the meantime.. do something nice for you... anything... Find a nar-anon/al-anon group... You will meet many people who are and have been there... Find some books at the library... Do anything to keep your mind off of what he is doing... and Most of all take care of you...
I will pray for you and your hubby...
Hugs to you Tiger... Love clowie
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Old 04-21-2003, 02:55 PM   #16 (permalink)
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I'm sorry you are going thru all of this TigerEyes! My husband has stolen from me also. Took my engagement ring from my first husband & traded it for some dope. Tried to fabricate a story with his buddy so I would think the buddy's girlfriend took the ring. I knew they were lying. When my husband was in rehab, I asked him about my ring. He just held his head down & wouldn't look at me. Finally he told me he was jealous of my first husband & didn't want me to have anything that reminded me of him. I never really realized my husband was the jealous type. Anyway, he has taken hundreds of dollars out of our bank account until I took his name off the account. Addicts are not above stealing from anyone, including THEMSELVES!!!

I hope things get better for you!
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Old 04-23-2003, 08:36 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Unhappy Nightmare isn't over yet.....

First I want to thank everyone for making me feel so welcome in here. I have really depended on you all these past few days. If Mariposa is reading, I just want to let her know I think of her a lot.

As for an update on my situation, it's nearly two weeks now and my A has NOT slowed down on his crack use. Parole officer is looking for him, friends are looking for him, and even though I said I wouldn't do it this time, I scoured the seediest parts of town tonight looking for him.

When he had first used, he took my vehicle (he drove it but it was in my name). He "LOST" the vehicle three nights ago, meaning a crack dealer has it now. I have since reported this to the police three times, and they all tell me to go home. (He is my husband and "technically" the car belonged to him too.)

But here is the sad part. My A arrived at his grandmother's house in the early AM and slept there. This morning, Gram's car was gone!!! A had literally pilfered the keys and $20 from her purse, and has not returned since 7 oclock this morning. Gram is 73 years old and does not deserve to put up with this. She was so sad about it that she was feeling sick.

I've been driving around looking for her car as well as mine. Now, I'm sleeping at my mother's house in the mean time as he has the keys to our house. A few minutes ago, he called me on my Mom's line, and was harrassing me and threatening me. I got so upset, I hung up on him.

I couldn't stop bawling like a baby after that. I feel so alone! (Mom is out of town - I wish I was her little baby again and all she had to do was tell me everything will be better after ice cream).

I wish this nightmare was over. I hope I can take this experience one day, and use it to provide support for those that find themselves in my situation. My situation doesn't seem to be getting any better at all....it just keeps getting worse!

My husband has gone completely crazy now. The crack has completely damaged his brain - he doesn't care anymore about anything....including his family who love him. :-(

OH MY GOD, WHEN WILL THIS NIGHTMARE END?????


Marissa
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Old 04-23-2003, 09:09 PM   #18 (permalink)
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****{Marissa}}}

I know your pain and I know all about driving through the worst areas looking.

My lowest moment, maybe my bottom, was a few years ago when I drove to the city my son lived in, over an hour away, knowing what crackhouse he was at (his sponsor accidently gave it away when he called me concerned - he didn't know that I would KNOW where it was.

Anyway, this middle-aged woman (me) who usally looks and acts like a lady, went to the door and when they kept telling me he wasn't there and shut the door on me twice, I threatened to kick the door down if he didn't come out. Stupid! Dangerous! and very very codependent. I have never behaved like that in my life and couldn't kick down a milk carton. But he came out, and I spent the rest of the night on his couch, and woke up in the morning just shaking my head at my stupidity. And as soon as I left, he went back out.

My point is that codependency makes US do crazy things, and it makes us do stupid and dangerous things all in the name of saving the addict. Until we hit a bottom, like I did, and say "enough".

I am sooo sorry for grandma and the loss of her car. She should report it stolen, because it was. Insurance probably won't covr her unless she does.

The nightmare ends when we say "enough". When we hurt so bad that we don't even feel the pain anymore. When we look in the mirror and see a pathetic sad stranger staring back. And we get on our knees and surrender any thought of having the power to control them.

The hardest part of recovery is just starting. One baby step at a time. There are no rigid rules, no time frame, no one-answer-fits-all. It is personal, it takes work, and sometimes it is hard....but one day we wake up and where there has been darkness, we see a glimmer of light, and we know that we have made it.

Let go of the chaos, the drama and the fear. Just say "enough" and give yourself a hug for surviving this far. And at that point, you will already be well on your way to a better life - I promise.

Sending hugs and prayers, and if I could I would send ice-cream.
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Old 04-23-2003, 10:18 PM   #19 (permalink)
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anns,

Thank you! You always know what to say to make the hurt less painful. I don't feel so alone when I know others have gone through what I have - and unfortunately, I think some probably have had worst!

Thanks for the comment about letting go of the "chaos, drama, and fear". That's exactly what it's been like - too much chaos, too much drama, and oh, the fear! Yes, enough, already. I am SO ready to let it all go.

I know I just just have to be patient a little while longer for that peace and serene calm after the storm......
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Old 04-23-2003, 10:20 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Tiger

Hey Tiger. How ya hanging on today? I live with an addict that in his worst time of using pawned his video games, movies, mountain bike, (possibly more!) and the most disgusting of all... stole ALL the cash from our children's piggy banks. To an active addict, money is money, no matter where it comes from. He still has not repaid them. He used to steal money from my jeans pockets all the time... and all the while I thought I had just misplaced it or put it in a coat or left it in my car, etc. My memory was on overload due to being ticked off all the time so I felt like I was going nuts and thought that maybe I had even spent it without realizing it! He also would borrow money from his grandmother or she would just give him some cuz he was a "good kid" and he would ALWAYS spend that on drugs.

My A is a meth and weed user. I do not know what it is like to live with a crack addict but I can assume that everything you are feeling, I have felt too. As have soooo many others that are reaching out to you and posting their support and stories. My A did not disappear for days but for hours upon hours which in my mind felt like days. There is nothing worse than the "wondering" part of all of this. That's the part that will get you in a rut so deep that sometimes you can't cry, you can't talk, you can't not be angry, you can't feel. And that is the time the pain will not go away.. and for me.. there were a few times that I thought it would be easier for me to be gone instead of here living this life of lies and misery. Thank God they were only passing thoughts, scary but real.

I had always wanted to go searching for my A when he disappeared... luckily I had two little angels at home that kept me where I needed to be instead of hunting him down. It is not safe to drive when you are nearing psychosis. I can shake my head and laugh sometimes at my insane thoughts and actions...but that is what this addiction has done to me. It still is not over. And I don't know if I will ever truly forget it but in time I will be able to forgive him for everything because I don't want to walk around with sadness in my heart forever. Baby steps.. that is what it takes. And as I always say.. just as our addict must hit their bottom in order to make a positive change in life, so must we.

I hope you are safe. Take care of yourself. You are the most important person in your life. Treat yourself as good as you treat others. I know it's hard sometimes. Try it. You might like it!

Lake

P.S. Keep an eye on Anns postings. She has the writings of a true novelist.
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