I am holding on
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Vancouver, B.C. Canada
Posts: 0
I am holding on
Hi,
I am holding on as my son works on his new clean life and preparing to a parent. He is still needy financially and his pregnant gf is still living with us. They are suppose to move out the end of this month and I have not idea how they are going to do it financially. Gf has just applied for financial assistance. I hear all sorts of horror stories about parents paying their way even when they move out.
I am looking for suggestions on when and where I should help out. We all have been collecting household things to help set up their place. They are excited about it all even though 99% of the stuff is hand me downs. I am getting antsy that this move WILL NOT happen and I am getting antsy that this move WILL happen. Even so, I am encouraging and pressuring them to move out. I don't know what to expect when this happens.
But in the meantime....
It is so frustrating having to pay for everything STILL...didn't count on him needing money to live! Funny, when they are using all the money goes to drugs...when they are clean they now need money to get on with life. My meetings are helping...and I know that it will take time for them to be self sufficent. All is not bad, he is paying me what he can and doing alot of extras around the house. He is really not looking for a job seriously because he is behind in doing his community hours. And now, he is driving his GF to all her doctor appointments and such things. Plus, he has his own appointments and things to do, too. This is the addict behavour that I am having a hard time coping with. The behaviour still exists and we really are making baby steps in many areas....(There is sooooo many areas). I really am getting frustrated with the MONEY area!
Always,
Parent
Always,
Parent
I am holding on as my son works on his new clean life and preparing to a parent. He is still needy financially and his pregnant gf is still living with us. They are suppose to move out the end of this month and I have not idea how they are going to do it financially. Gf has just applied for financial assistance. I hear all sorts of horror stories about parents paying their way even when they move out.
I am looking for suggestions on when and where I should help out. We all have been collecting household things to help set up their place. They are excited about it all even though 99% of the stuff is hand me downs. I am getting antsy that this move WILL NOT happen and I am getting antsy that this move WILL happen. Even so, I am encouraging and pressuring them to move out. I don't know what to expect when this happens.
But in the meantime....
It is so frustrating having to pay for everything STILL...didn't count on him needing money to live! Funny, when they are using all the money goes to drugs...when they are clean they now need money to get on with life. My meetings are helping...and I know that it will take time for them to be self sufficent. All is not bad, he is paying me what he can and doing alot of extras around the house. He is really not looking for a job seriously because he is behind in doing his community hours. And now, he is driving his GF to all her doctor appointments and such things. Plus, he has his own appointments and things to do, too. This is the addict behavour that I am having a hard time coping with. The behaviour still exists and we really are making baby steps in many areas....(There is sooooo many areas). I really am getting frustrated with the MONEY area!
Always,
Parent
Always,
Parent
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
Parent - boy, do you have my sympathy! My daughter and her boyfriend lived with me for a number of months, and I ended up being the one that moved out! LOL!
I understand the anxiety you feel, because if they do move and it doesn't work out, I can guess whose doorstep they'll end back up on. It would seem pointless for them to do move out if it's doomed to fail before they even get started. And there's also a baby to consider. On the other hand, there has to be some limit to living with you as you need your life and privacy back.
Your son finding a job is the number one priority - with a pregnant girlfriend and a baby coming, that has got to be number one on the list (I know that you know this). Is it possible for him to speak with the agency that is handling his community hours to plead his case? I don't mean to get his hours commuted, but perhaps if they understand the situation they could restructure his schedule. If he can only pay a bit here and there to you now, it's going to be pretty difficult for him when it comes time to have to pay a landlord and the grocery bills, etc.
Personally, I don't see anything wrong with helping them out - I mean, that's what family is all about. But if you are starting to feel taken advantage of, then that's when it's time to put the brakes on. I ended up feeling like that when my daughter and boyfriend were living with me and I started to get really resentful about it. I think helping your son and the girlfriend with household items is fine, and things for the baby of course (because it's fun!), but don't feel compelled to do anything that is beyond what feels fair (i.e. money for rent, bills, etc.).
Your son needs to understand that people who work full-time also have babies coming, doctor appointments, and all the rest of those daily-living responsibilities and that there are ways to fit those things into the daily schedule.
I know if I were in your shoes with a child in recovery I would be afraid to push too hard for fear of what could happen, i.e. relapse under pressure. Is there anyone else that can help him to see the light and take some of that burden off you?
Just thinking out loud here, Parent. I know this is tough for you. Glad to know that you are going to meetings and finding that helpful.
Love and hugs.
I understand the anxiety you feel, because if they do move and it doesn't work out, I can guess whose doorstep they'll end back up on. It would seem pointless for them to do move out if it's doomed to fail before they even get started. And there's also a baby to consider. On the other hand, there has to be some limit to living with you as you need your life and privacy back.
Your son finding a job is the number one priority - with a pregnant girlfriend and a baby coming, that has got to be number one on the list (I know that you know this). Is it possible for him to speak with the agency that is handling his community hours to plead his case? I don't mean to get his hours commuted, but perhaps if they understand the situation they could restructure his schedule. If he can only pay a bit here and there to you now, it's going to be pretty difficult for him when it comes time to have to pay a landlord and the grocery bills, etc.
Personally, I don't see anything wrong with helping them out - I mean, that's what family is all about. But if you are starting to feel taken advantage of, then that's when it's time to put the brakes on. I ended up feeling like that when my daughter and boyfriend were living with me and I started to get really resentful about it. I think helping your son and the girlfriend with household items is fine, and things for the baby of course (because it's fun!), but don't feel compelled to do anything that is beyond what feels fair (i.e. money for rent, bills, etc.).
Your son needs to understand that people who work full-time also have babies coming, doctor appointments, and all the rest of those daily-living responsibilities and that there are ways to fit those things into the daily schedule.
I know if I were in your shoes with a child in recovery I would be afraid to push too hard for fear of what could happen, i.e. relapse under pressure. Is there anyone else that can help him to see the light and take some of that burden off you?
Just thinking out loud here, Parent. I know this is tough for you. Glad to know that you are going to meetings and finding that helpful.
Love and hugs.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Parent
I agree with everything Margo said (I usually do
I think that it is time for him to learn to manage on his own. That doesn't mean that you can't help out, but I would insist that he take at least a part time job. His community hours can be done evenings and weekends, and can probably be restructured to coordinate with any working schedule.
It's just time, Parent, and I know that you will be able to breath better once he is on his own.
Sending hugs and prayers, and I too am glad that you are going to meetings.
I agree with everything Margo said (I usually do
I think that it is time for him to learn to manage on his own. That doesn't mean that you can't help out, but I would insist that he take at least a part time job. His community hours can be done evenings and weekends, and can probably be restructured to coordinate with any working schedule.
It's just time, Parent, and I know that you will be able to breath better once he is on his own.
Sending hugs and prayers, and I too am glad that you are going to meetings.
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