10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem

[cynical one]

10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem
By Ed Hughes, MPS

The pain and suffering of addiction is not limited to the alcoholic or drug addict. Family members share a tremendous burden as well. Shame, guilt, fear, worry, anger, and frustration are common , Everyday feelings for family members concerened about a loved one’s drinking or drug use. In most cases, the family has endured the brunt of the consequences for the loved ones addiction, including the stress of worry, financial costs, and life adjustments made to accommodate the addicted person’s lifestyle. Addiction leads the addict away from positive influences of the family. The disease twists love, concern, and a willingness to be helpful into a host of enabling behaviors that only help to perpetuate the illness.

Family and friends are usually very busy attempting to help the alcoholic or addict, but the help is of the wrong kind . If directed toward effective strategies and interventions, however, these people become powerful influences in helping the loved one “hit bottom” and seek professional help. At the very least, families can detach themselves from the painful consequences of there loved one’s disease and cease their enabling behavior.

Here are 10 ways family members can help there loved one and themselves:

1) Do learn the facts about alcoholism and drug addiction . Obtain information through counseling, open AA/NA meetings, and Alanon/Naranon.
Addiction thrives in an environment of ignorance and denial . Only when we understand the characteristics and dynamics of addiction can we begin to respond to its symptoms more effectively. Realizing that addiction is a progressive disease will assist the family members to accept there loved as a “sick person” rather than a “bad person.” This comprehension goes a long way toward helping overcome the associated shame and guilt. No one is to blame . The problem is not caused by bad parenting or any other family shortcoming. Attendance at open AA/NA meetings is important: families need to see that not only are they not alone in there experience, but also that there are many other families just like theirs involved in this struggle. Families will find a reason to be hopeful when they hear the riveting stories of recovery shared at these meetings.

2) Don’t rescue the alcoholic or addict. Let them experience the full consequence of their disease.
Unfortunately, it is extremely rare for anyone to be “loved” into recovery. Recovering people experience a “hitting bottom.” This implies an accumulation of negative consequences related to drinking or drug use which provides the necessary motivation and inspiration to initiate a recovery effort. It has been said that “truth” and “consequences” are the foundations of insight and this holds true for addiction. Rescuing addicted persons from there consequences only ensures that more consequences must occur before the need for recovery is realized.

3) Don’t support the addiction by financially supporting the alcoholic or addict.
Money is the lifeblood of addiction . Financial support can be provided in many ways and they all serve to prolong the arrival of consequences. Buying groceries, paying for a car repair, loaning money, paying rent, and paying court fines are all examples of contributing to the continuation of alcohol or drug use . Money is almost always given by family members with the best of intentions, but it always serves to enable the alcoholic or addict to avoid the natural and necessary consequences of addiction. Many addicts recover simply because they could not get money to buy their drug. Consequently they experience withdrawal symptoms and often seek help.

4) Don’t analyze the loved one’s drinking or drug use. Don’t try to figure it out or look for underlying causes.
There are no underlying causes. Addiction is a disease. Looking for underlying causes is a waste of time and energy and usually ends up with some type of blame focused on the family or others . This “paralysis by analysis” is a common manipulation by the disease of addiction which distracts everyone from the important issue of the illness itself.

5) Don’t make idle threats. Say what mean and mean what you say. Words only marginally impact the alcoholic or addict . Rather “actions speak louder than words” applies to addiction. Threats are as meaningless as the promises made by the addicted person.

6) Don’t extract promises. A person with an addiction cannot keep promises. This is not because they don’t intend to, but rather because they are powerless to consistently act upon their commitments . Extracting a promise is a waste of time and only serves to increase the anger toward the loved one.

7) Don’t preach or lecture. Preaching and lecturing are easily discounted by the addicted person.
A sick person is not motivated to take positive action through guilt or intimidation . If an alcoholic or addict could be “talked into” getting sober, many more people would get sober.

8) Do avoid the reactions of pity and anger. These emotions create a painful roller coaster for the loved one.
For a given amount of anger that is felt by a family member in any given situation, that amount-or more-of pity will be felt for the alcoholic or addict once the anger subsides. This teeter-totter is a common experience for family members—they get angry over a situation, make threats or initiate consequences, and then backtrack from those decisions once the anger has left and has been replaced by pity . The family then does not follow through on their decision to not enable.

9) Don’t accommodate the disease.
Addiction is a subtle foe. It will infiltrate a family’s home, lifestyle, and attitudes in a way that can go unnoticed by the family. As the disease progresses within the family system, the family will unknowingly accommodate its presence. Examples of accommodation include locking up ones and other valuables, not inviting guests for fear that the alcoholic or addict might embarrass them, adjusting one’s work schedule to be home with the addict or alcoholic, and planning one’s day around events involving the alcoholic or addict.

10) Do focus upon your life and responsibilities.
Family members must identify areas of there lives that have been neglected due to their focus on, or even obsession with, the alcoholic or addict. Other family members, hobbies, job, and health, for example, often take a back seat to the needs of the alcoholic or addict and the inevitable crisis of addiction. Turning attention away from the addict and focusing on other personal areas of one’s life is empowering and helpful to all concerned .
Each of these suggestions should be approached separately as individual goals. No one can make an abrupt change or adjustment from the behaviors that formed while the disease of addiction progressed. I can not over-emphasize the need for support of family members as they attempt to make changes. Counseling agencies must provide family education and programs to share this information. They must offer opportunities for families to change their attitudes and behaviors. The most powerful influence in helping families make these changes is Al-Anon/Naranon . By facing their fears and weathering the emotional storms that will follow, they can commit to ending their enabling entanglements.

The disease of addiction will fervently resist a family’s effort to say “no” and stop enabling. Every possible emotional manipulation will be exhibited in an effort to get the family to resume “business as usual .” There will always be certain family members or friends who will resist the notion of not enabling, join forces with the sick person, and accuse the family of lacking love. This resistance is a difficult but necessary hurdle for the family to overcome. Yet, it is necessary if they are to be truly helpful to the alcoholic or addict. Being truly helpful is what these suggestions are really about. Only when the full weight of the natural consequences of addiction is experienced by the addict- rather than by the family- can there be reason for hope of recovery .

[Ann]

Wow, Cynical, that's quite an article and I see myself and my old behaviour written all over it.

Once members have had a good chance to see it here and respond, I'd like to make it a sticky post at the top. I am certain newcomers can learn from it and oldtimers like me can see our old patterns and avoid returning to them.

Thank you for bringing that here.

Hugs

[NeedingHelp7]

If directed toward effective strategies and interventions, however, these people become powerful influences in helping the loved one “hit bottom” and seek professional help. At the very least, families can detach themselves from the painful consequences of there loved one’s disease and cease their enabling behavior.

My sister and BIL are having a intervention soon for BIL's son, my nephew IL. He is in his 40's and severly alcoholic right now. He hasn't worked in 3 1/2 yrs, and has now spent all of his retirement during this time. He is going to lose his house so my sister and BIL are taking over his house payments, putting a mortgage on their house (which is paid for), so he doesn't loose his house and so he can get services to get into a hospital. You cannot own anything and get services. They also took over a deed to some property he owns (all paid for).

Would this be considered enabling?

[sojourner]

i believe it already is a sticky embedded with other good reads....

[Freedom1990]

Originally Posted by NeedingHelp7

My sister and BIL are having a intervention soon for BIL's son, my nephew IL. He is in his 40's and severly alcoholic right now. He hasn't worked in 3 1/2 yrs, and has now spent all of his retirement during this time. He is going to lose his house so my sister and BIL are taking over his house payments, putting a mortgage on their house (which is paid for), so he doesn't loose his house and so he can get services to get into a hospital. You cannot own anything and get services. They also took over a deed to some property he owns (all paid for).

Would this be considered enabling?

My question would be, what will your nephew IL learn from that? Basically they are cleaning up his mess, in my opinion.

[marle]

I would only consider it enabling if they plan on letting him live there. Hugs, Marle

[bmychelle]

Thank You cynical one, that is something I surely needed to read today. Unfortunately, I am guilty of doing most of that.

[Hangin' In]

Cynical,

Now that was good! It's going right into my "Good stuff from SR" folder on my computer.

Thanks so much,
Hangin' In

[cassandra2]

This should be added as a sticky!!!!!!!

[mooselips]

fantastic!

I think that would be the first thing I would look at if I was a parent, new to Sober Recovery.

[winnie12]

Do you all believe No. 9 that locking up your valuables is accomodating - i thought that was the opposite and was protecting myself.

[cynical one]

With a minor, since you are required by law to provide shelter than A)lock up the valuables or B)set him up in the garage away from the valuables...shelter is shelter.

If they are adults it's quite simple, don't allow criminals in your home.

[historyteach]

Thanks, cynical.
It's a worthy post, filled with much needed information.

Shalom!

[sister732]

Hi All-
I am the younger sister of a current drug addict who is supposed to be getting sober but turns out, it hasn't been happening like everyone thought it was. Today, I did some snooping (which I feel terrible about, but i just had a gut feeling that something was up) and found all sorts of stuff that he shouldn't have. We both live at home with our mom and younger brother, since we are in our early 20's/late teens and now i feel like it's eating me up. I know that I need to tell my mom but I just can't bring myself to do it because in the past I was the "trouble-maker" and the "b*tch sister just starting problems" (according to my brother), even though the whole time i was right and my mom just couldn't be bothered, but mostly because things have being going rather well as of late, because everyone thinks he's on the road to recovery. Please help me, what should I do? I think I know what I need to do but I need someone to tell me that. Thank you & God bless.

[winnie12]

Sister repost this as a new thread so others will see it and respond.

You are not at fault and most of us here have done some snooping because we needed to know who / what we were dealing with. dont feel bad about that - it will do you no good as its in the past. now going forward you have to make that decision. I personally think that if you both live in your mom's home she has a right to know. dont listen to his bullying words - he is the one at fault and he is just trying to blame you for his own bad behavior.

My daughter deals with this too. sometimes she knows what her brother is doing and its so hard for her to know whether or not to tell me becuase obviously it causes a lot of drama. sometimes i admit i dont want to hear it - like when he's smoking cigarettes but other times i have to know - like when he is high or drinking or stealing from me. If you can, talk to your mom and explain to her how hard it is for her to be in the middle - maybe the two of you can come up with some solution for her to address the situation without bringing you in the middle.

[MyJoey]

Originally Posted by winnie12

Do you all believe No. 9 that locking up your valuables is accomodating - i thought that was the opposite and was protecting myself.

NO, unless you don't mind losing them all, son took and sold my jewelry.....I don't call it accomodating, I call it safe. I think it is more accomodating to leave it out for them to take.......because we know at some point they will....I would say don't learn the hard way.

[lovenlife]

thanks that was helpful. I am just starting down the path of recovery with my husband and am looking forward to talking with everyone.
thanks again and god bless

[Godsgirl]

Wow, this is wonderful. If only ABF's family (mother 67, sister 40) niece and nephew 15 and 10, (except the baby nephew 6month's) endorsed this post, then things might be better. His mother and sister are his greatest enablers...everything that he needs, from gas, beer, clothing ..they buy and loan money for. The niece and nephew have a key to their rooms. He is allowed to hold and play with the baby nephew when in active addiction. They all treat me strange and like I am the enemy because of my past cody behavior that I am finally starting to recover from. His mother avoids answering my calls, his sister wont speak to me about him at all...good or bad. He has implied to me that he casts the impression to them that I am crazy and overly jealous and accusational about him using drugs. His mom tells me that "I dont know anything about drug abuse or what he may be using" and there is nothing I can do about it. "You worry too much, "he is always home with me", "you are too old to date", "he does not have money to take you out because I require him to pay some of my bills", "I dont require his sister to pay bills because of her 3 kids to take care of".....Gee, yeah I love this post, it is very affirming of my feelings of how ABFs family enables him...even after losing his older brother 2 years ago to crack complications...and yes, he lived at home with them too. She keeps his ashes in the house and tells me that "if ABF wants to die doing his behavior, then "there is a place for his ashes also"...she chuckles about this while she is the MAIN enabler...how sick is that?.

At any rate...thanks for this post...it should be a constant "sticky".

[Angelic17]

Dear Cynical, Your advise is right on, and I thank you for that. When I first realized my son had a drug problem, I told him to come stay with me and I thought that I as his mom could fix him. I took him to rehab, got him suboxone, took him to meetings. Took him to therapy, helped him pay his debts, and kept him with me for 1 full year. I gave up a year of my life thinking that I could stop my 26 year old son from getting high. Well, I couldn't. And it didn't work. As soon as he broke out on his own for 5 minutes he found a way to pick up. He just wasn't ready. He went from one family member to another, and we all helped him. In and out of rehab 5 times. Nothing worked. Only when we all said NO MORE. NOTHING. Did he make the call, and put himself into recovery. And that is where he is today. This is day 10 for him, and I believe now, that it might work this time. Because HE DID THE WORK. Nobody will give him anything anymore. We all love him, and understand that he has a disease that we are powerless over. I as a mother refused to believe that I couldn't change this problem. It broke my heart to put my son out on the street. Nothing has ever hurt me more in my life. I was sick with anxiety and crippled with fear over my son's addiction. I am so scared that I will lose my only child who I love so much. But my family and I will not enable my son another minute. Your advice is 100% right, and 2 years ago when this all started for us, I wouldn't have listened to it for a minute. How foolish of me to think that I could fix addiction. We live and learn every day. Thanks for the great advice. I hope it helps another family member who has suffered as much as I have. God Bless You, Angel

[Gilgo]

Hi, Angelic17 -- I am a mother of an only child/son as well and was very grateful for your post. I feel for you because I don't sleep at night feeling as if I have abandoned my kid. He has just turned 18 and I have thrown him out for the very reasons you express -- because I am trying to force a crisis and help him get to the point where he has nowhere to turn and will get help.

I live in New York City so it is a terrifying prospect -- to throw your only kid out in the street in the middle of winter in NYC. But he has left me no choice. Although he insists he is only smoking pot I find it hard to believe (but there is no physical evidence he's doing anything else) because in the past 3 years he has been abusive, was suspended in high school and college, arrested for shoplifting and has not been able to get up in the morning or go to sleep before 3 a.m. for almost 2 years now. He dropped out of his first semester at a good school where he had scholarships and grants (and they were really nice and gave him a leave of absence for 6 mos) and it's heartbreaking because he will not get that opportunity again. When he came back we told him he had two weeks to try and get a job (in this economy -- with a hs diploma!!) and he didn't really try, smoked pot every day, brought kids into our building and wrote graffitti on the walls so we were in danger of being evicted, etc. Anyway -- I finally told him to leave.

He found a home -- a kid in the neighborhood and his mom are putting him up in a brownstone -- so he has his own floor! I feel like a fool because I had hoped he would hit "rock bottom" or get a job and be back in a week for help. Now some woman in the neighborhood is helping him. He still hasn't worked and I see his friends in and out of our building. He's probably dealing. I feel as if she is prolonging this and I'm not sure whether to contact her or not. She is apparently a nice person and a humanitarian and had been putting another kid up but she's just making me look like an evil parent and making it easier for him to get further into drugs. If he's not doing other drugs now he will be if he hangs out doing nothing with a nice roof over his head.

Anyway -- I hope that my son finds out sooner than later that he's ruining his life but in the meantime I am incredibly sad that my only son is such a mess. Al Anon helps but I am out of work, too, so it's hard to think of anything else but my son. It's hard to detach. I'm not sure if I should talk to this woman and see what's going on or I should just stay out of it. He only calls me when he wants to come in for clothes or to update his ipod (I said no). Should I cut off his phone, too? That's all he has left. Thanks for these insights.

[sharon55]

Yep, you should let the phone go. I'm new at the not enabling thing too but...I had to work for all the perks I have like a cell phone. Why is it that we give stuff to our children w/o them earning it?? I have a 24 yo daughter whom I love just as much as you do your son but I am tired of having to worry about who she's with or what she's doing (drugs). I confronted her about the drug parafinalia I found. She's been living a double life telling me one thing and doing another for along time. Two weeks ago she must have hit bottom cuz I got a phone call from her and she told me she was going to a recovery center. I was 80 miles away. She wanted me to come home and take her. I told her no that it was her problem and to take herself. I wasn't trying to be mean I just want her to own it not me!!!! Anyway, I'm going to see her tomorrow and I'm am pleased that she has decided to make changes in her life. She'll be coming home soon and I have to make changes in my own life and not be chained to the depression that will overcome you when your worrying about an addict all the time. I don't know what I need to do for myself anymore I have lived my life for my addict daughter. I one change that I have commited myself to is NO MONEY!!!! If I can get through this change one minute, one hour, one day I will be happy.

A loving mother does what it takes and it ain't easy. If it was there wouldn't be so many drug abusers out there.

[Joeyboy]

Gilgo, I had to shut my son's phone. It's so heartbreaking. Your sons friends mother who is putting him up is enabling him, and you should try to find out as much as you can about her. She might be into drugs and crack or something. Sorry for your situation. It's heartwrenching.

[dslalonde]

hey guys,
Cannot tell you how helpful you all are. Especially you Cynical one. Were you writing this for me? I am new to this, I have finally admitted to myself that my 19 year old is an addict. I fought it for a long time. His addiction has paralyzed our life. Yes, I am guilty of fixing everything. Life is hard and I have raised 2 well adjusted sons, and couldn't accept this was happening to our youngest. I will NEVER give up on him, but after reading your stories, it helps to know i am not alone. My beautiful, well adjusted, easy going star athelete, has turned into a scrawny, angry, miserable young man. And i have been enabling him. Thinking i was helping. I am scared of what he will have to go thru, but i know within 30 days he will probably be in jail or rehap.

[janet1965]

i am going to print this out and frame it and hang one in every room in my house. awesome.

[helpformyson]

To Golgo & Dslalonde
I also have a 22 yr old who has been kicked out of 2 rehabs, 1/2 way houses, been fired from every job, been to jail 3 x's with a current outstanding warrant (all drug related). Last month, I told him not to call me anymore until he finally got back on track and started moving his life in a positive direction. I also told him that I love him unconditionally and that I will think about him and miss him everyday that he is not in my life. I told him to please call me when he decided that he was ready. He begged me not to sever ties with him and told me that I was his rock. I recently questioned my decision to sever ties with him and can't stop thinking about it (but I think about him all the time even when he is in my life). A couple of days ago, I spoke with an addiction psychiatrist (sp?), told him everything and asked him if I had made a mistake by severing ties with my son. His answer was "absolutely not" and that I had indeed done the right thing and that I needed to remain strong. I need to love him from a distance. He knows that I love him, miss him and will help him when he is finally ready. Don't beat yourself up. I like to quote "Mooselips", who passed on a couple of words to me that hit home. "Let go or be dragged".