10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem

[fishwhistle]

wow. this sheds light on so much, but since my girlfriend has hit rock bottom, and is now trying to seek help through NA and support groups, where should I stand?

[cinderella8]

Mark and I have been living together for ten years in my home owned by just me. Together we own another home out of state.

On monday he brought home his oxy kid? of 29 yo,to give him a fresh start after five years of downhill slide.They went to the doctor for suboxone and he has gone to a NA everynite this week.

I feel seething that this arrangement was not discussed. In the past when it was brought up, I said NO, NO, NO to his kid? coming to our home. Holidays, weekends fine.

Our impromptu meeting was basically kid? telling me he was trying and me telling him one single iota screw up and i would show him door - my house - my rules. His father and him asked for six weeks, which i submitted to under duress

His father gets up now at 5 in the am, drives kid to work, works himself, and then picks kid up, home for dinner and meeting.

The kid? has the usual, court dates, no DL probably for a year, piles of bills. I feel like dad has now supplied lovely home, taxi service, and three squares a day. Is this enabling? Even if for only six weeks.

I guess this time, because he is following a program, i have to bite the bullet. I am still seething, have clammed up, feeling like a prisoner in my own home.

Of course, I have put locks on bedroom and office, removed all jewelry from home and locked all booze in closet. I go to bed at night and dont feel comfortable. Basically when he is in the house, I dont feel comfortable. I dont know what to expect in my own home.

After ten years of a good relationship, i hear the death knell. Logic tells me a father would save a drowning son first in a boat - remember this!

I feel like i dont have a sympathetic bone in my body. I feel like screaming I DID NOT MAKE OR CONTRIBUTE TO THIS MESS - Why do i have it in my home?

Can someone call me on it or give me insight.

Some small part of me says TRY for his sake.

[cinderella8]

I went to my first naranon meeting this morning.

less seething.

i can be part of the solution or part of the problem.

will try the solution first.

[lindaje448]

Originally Posted by cynical one

With a minor, since you are required by law to provide shelter than A)lock up the valuables or B)set him up in the garage away from the valuables...shelter is shelter.

If they are adults it's quite simple, don't allow criminals in your home.

i have to hide everything out of the house don't have checks anymore, have my own acount but still gets into it
linda

[hoodwinked]

This is all new to me. I never dreamed I would be married to an addict. We lived together for a year before we got married. He had a job but was laid off. After several months I began to notice his extreme mood shifts. One day he would say " I Love You" a hundred times. He was clingy too. The next day or three, he would barely acknowledge me. This went on for a while.
I began to find these little straws hidden in his pockets or tucked away. Of course I asked him about it. He said he didn't know why he was did it, but it wouldn't happen again. He later began to have money that he didn't work for. I was going to work every day while he was home getting unemployment . But, not that much unemployment.
I questioned him again. Lies. I am not stupid. I taped his phone conversations for two days. He was dealing. I confronted him again. He says he has stopped. I still find the straws sometimes.
I haven't said anything else to him because I know he will just lie. I am just now beginning to decide that he is an addict. I am 43 years old, he is 32. I really have led a sheltered life. I drank a little in highschool but drugs never seemed to cross my path. My mom had my sister and I pretty well under control. My own kids aged 24 and 22 are happily married and are doing well. I have never faced thses things before. I am afraid of screwing up. I want to help him see what this behavior could cost us. I love him.
I am an LPN. I have seen his labwork. His liver is damaged. He has been doing this much longer than I realised, probably since before we got together. For some reason, it has escalated. The lying, it just kills me. You believe you are on the same page with someone you love. The you find out he has a whole secret life. He doesn't think it has anything to do with me. I think, if he is looking me in the face and lying abouth this, then, whats next?

[CPASpouse]

wowsers...i can so identify with that. It's like you get drawn into the web and stuck, thinking you're trying to "be there" for the loved one then frustrated when you get pushback because you're controlling the finances etc. Knowing that if you give a chunk of money for things like groceries, gas, etc. the chances are that alot of it will go to drugs. When you're the sole breadwinner, how do you balance that kind of stuff out when you've tried to be trusting with household funds only to see it get used for non-household things so you really aren't controlling? Do you take on the added responsibility of the groceries, gas and other miscellaneous or just make sure that any amount that could be funneled for a "use" will at worse result in an empty tank of gas that will mean the loved one will have to find an alternative way for transportation. Guilty as charged for alot of the enabling but trying to find a better way to let her do what she's gonna do and not get tied into the manipulation that goes along to try and feed the addiction?

[SadieMae]

Originally Posted by CPASpouse

wowsers...i can so identify with that. It's like you get drawn into the web and stuck, thinking you're trying to "be there" for the loved one then frustrated when you get pushback because you're controlling the finances etc. Knowing that if you give a chunk of money for things like groceries, gas, etc. the chances are that alot of it will go to drugs. When you're the sole breadwinner, how do you balance that kind of stuff out when you've tried to be trusting with household funds only to see it get used for non-household things so you really aren't controlling? Do you take on the added responsibility of the groceries, gas and other miscellaneous or just make sure that any amount that could be funneled for a "use" will at worse result in an empty tank of gas that will mean the loved one will have to find an alternative way for transportation. Guilty as charged for alot of the enabling but trying to find a better way to let her do what she's gonna do and not get tied into the manipulation that goes along to try and feed the addiction?

Me too! I too am married to an addict, I also am the sole breadwinner, but on top of things, I am also an addict! Which makes things doubly hard! I control all the money in the house. I have to, he has gotten into the check book and bounced checks to his dealer. I let him have, maybe $10 at a time. I pay all the bills, do all the banking, go grocery shopping, etc. Its a big pain in the butt. But I have a little control over the money. The bad thing is, HE is the one that knows the dealer and we BOTH have a drug problem. I am here today because I am trying to get a handle on it. I plan to start a week long taper and as long as I can resist my husband, I can do it. But I'm not sure where on this board I am supposed to be, since I am an addict, family member of an addict, enabler and codependent?!?

[Ann]

SadieMae, feel free to post on any forum you feel is appropriate. The Family and Friends forums have many double winners like you, who have found recovery for their own substance abuse but struggle with codependent issues as well.

Welcome.

Ann

[Teenie]

Wow. There are some of the things I've been doing on this list that apparently have been making my BF's use worse, but a couple of which I have been doing right, before I even read that paragraph.

SOOOO... incredibly useful. Thank you for posting that. It helps in my learning about how to help someone you love, get over their addiction.

[Electa]

Wow: I see our own daughter in your story. She, too, has located "a friend", and this "friend" is at least for now interrupting the descent to rock bottom. How angry I am at this person, but I can only wait for the day for the person to wake up and realize that they are being a chump.

Electqa