Looking for answers from those who have stuck in there and those who couldn't

[crayolamom]

When I began Alanon earlier this year (which is when things all finally caved in with my A) my big unspoken question was "how can this work out so that I can stay married to him and be happy?" and I kept waiting to hear someone answer that for me but all I kept hearing was that everyone seemed to have gotten divorced. I never did hear the answer to that question. Now I'm on the other side of the fence and the question that goes with that is "why/how would/could anyone stay in an alchoholic relationship?" So I went from how can I stay to why would I stay. I never thought I would give up on our marriage but I found something in me that I didn't know was there and I took the kids and left him. I feel that even if he were to get clean and sober now I still couldn't go back. I don't think I could live with the fear that he could start up again, yet I have also felt the guilt of giving up on him/us during the times that he really seemed to be working on recovery.
I would like to hear what people have to say in response to both of my questions.
Thanks

[smoke gets in my eyes]

I think the answer to your second question lies in the fact that alcoholics are individuals. The disease manifests itself differently in people. For instance... my dad was an alcoholic. He also was a successful business owner, an affectionate Dad, a good provider, honest, a source of stability and love. He was so many great things besides an alcoholic and his drinking never compromised those things. I think my mom thought that was an okay trade.

Dino's doc was not alcohol... but same idea. His using compromised every good thing about him. He was mean, unpredictable, unproductive, dishonest. Every once in a while there would be a faint glimmer of the person he used to be but it was just not enough. There was simply nothing that made him a good partner. He had to go away. He's all spankin' clean now, but still has a lot of work to do.

I think "why would you" might be answered by which type you got... or which type they lean toward if they're a combo model. Your first question... how to live with it and be happy? Maybe you can't. I couldn't have lived with Dino and been happy. No way, no how. He was an emotional vampire and a dangerous guy to be around. But my Dad was pretty swell. I had a lot of anxiety over his health, but other than that and trying to keep a straight face when I had to drive him around when he lost his license( boy was he mad)... it just wasn't a huge thing to deal with. So maybe your first question depends on whether they're a type Dad or a type Dino, too.

You don't have to check yourself against other people. If they stay it may be just because their turkey isn't as completely basted as yours was, not because they get the program better. You've done what you needed to do for yourself. That IS the program.

Hugs,
Smoke

[ladyregah]

well said well said!! Nothing in life comes easy... you take what life has to offer... make the best of it and keep trudging on... there is always something new just up the road...

Love and Light
Kat

[our2jz]

hi crayolamom...

I guess I'm in the same boat you are in. I recently separated from my alcoholic husband. He will be served divorce papers this week. But I still find myself questioning my decision. Did I just give up too fast? Maybe this time he really will quit? Maybe I'm just over-reacting and he doesn't really even have a problem, after all he is very successful at work. All this self-doubt when it was just 1 1/2 weeks ago that my husband took my kids out to the restaurant/bar drinking for 5 hours, drove them to his house drunk, and then left them alone (they are 10 & 7 and have never been left alone before) at 11pm trying to find out where I was. But it's very hard when they make all their promises, and show their nice side. It makes you want to believe so bad they they can and will change. Hopefully I'm making the right choice. I guess time will tell. Good luck to you.

[Ann]

Hi Crayolamom

Just want to welcome you too, and say that Smoke said it all when she said

You don't have to check yourself against other people. If they stay it may be just because their turkey isn't as completely basted as yours was, not because they get the program better. You've done what you needed to do for yourself. That IS the program

That applied to anon moms like me too.

Hugs
Ann

[countrygirl]

I heard somewhere, the question you ask yourself is are you better with them or without them. You have to decide.

For me, it is better with him. My A and I are truly in love and we both recognise he has a fatal problem. He is still active - but he is not so bad. I hate to see him hurting himself plus it is embarrassing when neighbors or relatives come - but he is not usually abusive to me and I choose to stay. Also, I have no children at home, that makes it easier.

He gets drunk a lot but he gets negative and a little mean usually on Saturday nights for an hour or two. So - I back away, don't engage, don't answer, go away for that time. The rest of the time, well, we wish it were better and I know the future is very questionable, but the rest of the time, I am not inclined to give up my husband, extended family, and home. It is better with him.

Every situation is different, but mine is not great but I don't think it would be great without him either.

I reserve the right to change my mind, should the situation get worse.

[Rose56]

Great post! I have struggled with this question many times and I like Smoke's answer. For now I choose to stay, tomorrow may be different and I also reserve the right to change my mind should the situation get worse. My husband is definately a combo model, makeing in hard sometimes to choose. Trust your instincts, what you choose IS right.

[Daffodil]

The expert on you is YOU.....

Time after time when I was new I'd compare my recovery, my life, my realitly to someone else....Then I came to believe We all grow at our own pace and to the level of our own enlightenmen....It has taken time, working with my sponsor on the steps, the support of people in the Al-Anon program, for me to really feel like I am becoming the person God meant me to be.....in the meantime

FOR ME,

Marrage is a comittment that keeps 2 people together UNTIL they can be friends again....Marrages made in sickness do not always survive recovery, even if both partners are in recovery...( I am the only one in the whole family working a program of recovery....But I work it for me not for them....

My marrage and my family are #3 in importance....

My H.P. .... My Program.....My family!

My marrage is 43 yrs old, the drinking has only been in the last 14 yrs, of that time...my hunsband is an honest, kind, hard working human being who happens to drink to much...However there are times, like now, when he in a sober period of his life, I wish he could just have ONE to take the edge off. When the alcohol is gone the ISMS remain....BUT I am the one who chooses to work a program
so JUST FOR TODAY I am still here....I truly believe just for today I am right where I am supposed to be to get to where God wants me to be..

I hope that helps you understand the whys of where I am JUST FOR TODAY...God bless!