Sometimes I think I'm Crazy

[2bblessed]

I love my daughter so much, and yet hate her too. I hate that I can't help her and I suffer, because she is suffering and will not get help. I resent not being able to go on vacation without fearing she will break into our home again. She survived a car crash last week only by a miracle. The car spun five times across several lanes of the freeway and slammed into a concrete divider. She wasn't wearing a seat belt and yet she walked away without a scratch. The officers at the scene plainly said it was a miracle. She actually cried out to God to take her, but he didn't. Here is how crazy my thinking has become: I actually felt sad that she was not injured...No, I would not want her terribly injured or dead, only enough that she would need me a little, only enough so that she would have to hold still without the fog of drugs between us. She seems to get better for a little while and then start an even deeper slide. I hate to tell you all the irrational things I have done or said in response to her cycles of using, struggling to get off, and using again. . As much as I hate it when she is on the street, it is almost worse when she has been living at home, goes out for an evening, and doesn't come back. Eventually I realize she is off using again. Her patterns set off my patterns. I find myself losing interest in the positive activities I have been involved in, wanting to curl into a little protective ball. Have you written about the stages of recovery for codependents in your books? I do have some Alanon books, which have given me insight, and I realize it is time to go back to a group. However, Naranon seems harder to find around here and Alanon doesn't quite fit. Love,

Chris --

I know Alanon may not feel like quite the right fit, but I urge you with all my heart to keep going to meetings -- and to SHARE at them, really make an effort to connect with other people there because I GUARANTEE you will find the help and support you need. Not just sympathetic ears, but a program and a process that will be the center of the healing you need to give yourself now. No, you are not crazy. So many loved ones of addicts have gone round the bend because of the horrible effects of the disease of addiction -- the awful realization (come to again and again) that you CANNOT CHANGE ANYONE ELSE'S BEHAVIOR -- especially not an addict's. If an Alanon meeting doesn't seem to be reaching you, all you have to do is raise your hand and say something like, "I feel so alone, I'm at the end of my rope, nothing in this meeting is really reaching me yet, but I really need help." This is the kind of sharing that makes a meeting "good" -- and will attract the kinds of responses and suggestions that truly will help you now.

This may also be the time to talk to a drug counselor, therapist or clinic about getting other kinds of "professional" support -- not for your daughter, right now, but for you. In fact, if I could underscore any message now it would be to "keep the focus on yourself" -- really make an effort to connect with people who know about this disease and will be able to guide you, moment by moment, through the hell you're undergoing.

I hope this doesn't sound like 12 step party line pap: believe me, I feel your pain and understand very deeply the confusion and anger and fear you're experiencing now. But now is the time to seek help for YOU. Do it today, okay?

warmest regards --
Guy

[BetterDayz324]

Hello & welcome to this site that I just recently found myself.

I just read your thread & i gotta say, coming from an addicts perspective, i feel for you as i do my parents who went thru alot of what i put them through, due to my erratic behavior when i was using. I myself am the 25 yr.old daughter of 2 great parents. I couldn't ask for better, but when i was under the influence & in the "fog", i did much of the same thing your daughter is/was doing.

I am just 13 days clean & it's like a new "me" has emerged. In fact, it's the old "me" that got lost b/c of my addiction to drugs.

I can only say sorry so many times to my parents whom i felt like i put through hell, but coming clean, is probably the best thing i could have done. Although, i wouldn't have said such a statement a month ago.
I'm just taking one day @ a time & just hope & pray.

Hopefully your daughter will realize what she's doing before it's too late. My regards go out to you & your family as well as your daughter.
Take care of you ----- that's what's important now. I'm slowly starting to learn that myself.