Enabling

[Sherella]

I went to Al-anon tonight, and we were talking about where me leaves off and enabling begans, for instance, I like clean sheets and I think one ought to take a bath before they go to bed at night just habits I learned when I was young, if my husband decides to drink get drunk and not take a bath and vomit in the bed, I will clean it up, because I couldn't sleep in that situation, because he refuses to clean it up, does that make me an enabler?
or say in the beginning of our marriage he relinquishes the role of bill payer to me and refuses to have anything to do with it, later in life he begins to drink and I am still paying the bills, but now he says that I want control of everything although he still refuses to take an active part, does that make me an enabler, since some people in a marriage agree that one is better then the other at paying bills, when does this cross over the line?

Say my husband tells me he put brake fluid in the car, but after you lose control of the vehicle and go through a 4 way intersection, would it be fair to say that you might not want to trust this person in areas that might
compromise your own safety? Would this make you an enabler?

[gimmeid]

I'd say that makes you a hell of a trooper

[Sherella]

I hadn't looked at it that way but I guess it does, either that or really sick....

[MarkSichelCSW]

Keep going to Al Anon. I think you're doing yourself a great service and over time will understand what does or does not make you an enabler.

[RecoveryKid]

Originally Posted by gimmeid

I'd say that makes you a hell of a trooper

definitely agreed...

[CrushedbyCrack]

That bill paying thing is my AH all the way! I think it makes me smart not to let him screw up my finances! I'm in the process of getting a separate bank account and all my money will go into it, and his money will go into a bank account for him. That way, I don't have to worry about what he is doing with our money any more. He has to worry about what he is doing with his money and I have to worry about what I'm doing with my money. If he comes short with money for bills, his butt can get out of the house!!

The vomit thing...I don't think anyone would expect you to sleep in those kind of conditions. I think that you could maybe go sleep somewhere else (like on the couch or something) and make him deal with the mess when he wakes up. That is...if you can stand the stench that will probably get soaked into your mattress from not cleaning up right away.

[CrushedbyCrack]

Oops just realized I was in the Mark forum. Hope I didnt' cross any lines by responding. I'm still new at this and trying to figure all this technology out.

[Sherella]

Well I am going to a therapist tomorrow, AH is in a soberhouse and sober, he's giving me some money for bills and food, but has no interest in dealing with the house that needs to go up for sale or any of the bills, just drops them all off for me to pay. Is there something in these programs that addresses responsibility, because he let me know that addicts are all about being selfish and self centered, I could have saved him the breathe it took on that one.