Finally Voiced Myself

[InSearchOf]

Hello - I'm new to the group and while I'm glad this resource is here, I'm sad that I actually have to use it, LOL. Sorry, but if I don't laugh, I'll just cry -- again.

Tonight, I feel like I found my backbone again, if only for a fleeting moment, because I told my fiance/boyfriend The Deal.

He is in his 40s, was sober for a decade, found the wrong woman, married her, terrible divorce, sent him into a deathspiral, we met several years later...and now we'll be together for a year in Dec... DOC: cocaine.

We fell in love when he was on the upswing. I had NO IDEA he had a drug problem. Never dealt with this issue in my entire life. Let's just say my cranium is being stretched in ways I couldn't imagine.

Three months ago, he hit a wall with a good friend he'd been living with for a year. Friend is sober and his sponsor, but has his own life's issues and my boyfriend was not staying sober.He came to my home with nothing- no car, just the clothes on his back, no money, skinny, lost, damaged -- what have you. Fast forward, here we are living together. I have a 5 yr old child whom I have joint custody with my ex-husband. My boyfriend and child are best friends. They love each other alot and he is amazing with my little one.

For background, of the 11 mos we've been together, he disappeared for the first time on me, for three weeks, broke my heart, etc. Then when I said he needed rehab, he stopped speaking to me for 2 months (I thought it was over), then he popped back into my life again. So to sum it up...I am no stranger to this heartbreak.

Anyhoo...to live in my house, I said he needs to be sober. Mind you, I have NO EXPERIENCE in drugs. I couldn't even tell you how high it is on Mount St. Helens, but I suspect he's gotten high twice. Then he started getting in touch with "a friend" who's like 60, and she'd started calling. My Spidey senses were definitely going off.

Needless to say, he took off with my expensive car for two days when he was supposed to be delivering goods to my business. I was panicked. It was terrible - I couldn't do what I needed to do. It was a very LOW point for me. If you asked anyone who knows him if he'd be capable of letting us down, especially my child, they'd say NO WAY! Unfortunately, he is. And he did.

Predictably... I let him back in. First, I just needed my car back. I had to drive the rental up there. Secondly, I still loved him and I just wanted to help. He had reached such a pathetic point.

So the next day, with consultation from sober people, I said, do you see you need help? His first reaction was no. Then I reiterated what he just put us through. Surprisingly, he agreed to drug counseling and immediately called an old counselor of his.

Before this last episode, he proposed to me and I said yes- I love him very much and I felt he had been trying very hard (so I thought). He had also recently agreed to see a psychiatrist who diagnosed him with bipolar 1. He even agreed to take the meds. If you anything about bipolar 1 people, they have a high rate of drug usage, self-medication I assume. It's terrible for him and I feel for him that he suffers.

Okay, so tonight, after consulting with my family member whose dad is a 60 yr old weekend warrior, I stopped babying him and laid it out. It started because I asked if he'd called the drug counselor and he hadn't. He then said that we won't be spending any of money on a counselor if we're just getting by. I said, oh no, that won't do because his problem is our BIGGEST problem as a family.

And so I finally started being the strong me again and said everything --

you don't want to get better, you had been planning the last escapade, you were once sober why won't you do it again, how is it your friends with HUGE problems can stay sober when you have such an infamous strong will, we won't be successful if you can't control your addiction, what is it about being sober that you don't like, it's such a waste when you're such a beautiful human being, I know your ex-wife did you wrong but stop punishing me for the evil she did, you did drugs when you lost your way now the way is here again for you so you don't have to do them anymore...blah blah blah...

..but most importantly: we're going to drug counseling.

He actually agreed to everything when we got home. I personally think he was just paying me lip service. He said, I'll do whatever you say. I won't do drugs around you, the house, the biz, the baby, as long as we're in a relationship. I said, hmm, because I know you for about a minute now, what is the catch? Ah I see. You'll leave us so you can get high. He said, he'll be sober. He'll do whatever I say.

At any rate, he went to bed early in our bed -- something he doesn't do when he's mad at me, but I'm sure he's mad at me. Didn't even speak to me when I said goodnight.

So this is where I'm sure alot of us in these codependent, twisted relationships are alike - I laid the law down but now I feel guilty. I feel bad. I know it's something that needs to be said and done, but I seem to always end up feeling guilty. I'm sure he knows this, hence the pouting he does.

Was I wrong in what I said??

If I was right, why does it feel so terrible?

This whole situation is terrible and I can't believe I'm in it. It's my own doing though but I can't seem to leave him. He literally has no one- no family, friends have their own lives/problems. But I also know that if he takes off again, I can't let him back in.

I feel I must have been a terrible person in another life to deserve to go through this. I know my sentiment may be incorrect, but it's how I feel.

LOL. Oy.

[historyteach]

ISO:

I'm sorry ou're dealing with this.

Mark will be here to answer your concerns.
In the meantime, please go over to the friends and family of substance abusers froum, (naranon). There, yuou will find many dealing with the same issues. They can help light your way.
Please do read, What Addicts Do, a sticky on that forum. It was written by Jon, the former owner of this site. It will help.

Shalom!

[MarkSichelCSW]

You were absolutely right in what you said and my applause goes out to you. You feel guilty because you are so accustomed to being the "weak" one and you feel such a need to please others that when you assert yourself you feel you're doing wrong. The guilt will pass. The addiction problems won't. You handled it terrifically.