Trading one addiction for another??

[Serenity_Seeker]

My son, Luke, age 24, will be released from a Therapeutic Justice Center, within the next 3 weeks. DOC, meth! He will have spent 6 months at the center, and 6 months in jail, consecutively, no bail out.

We have recently purchased a new computer. I am thinking that I MAY hook it up in Luke's room....but???

When he was living here before, he would use our computer. I KNOW he would view porn, but he did not download it on the computer.....

So, the title of my post is my concern....as far as recovery....would it be best ,NOT, to give him access to his personal computer....as far as RECOVERY is concerned....no judgement call here!

Or...would it be best NOT to have the distraction....as far as recovery is concerned?

Thanks!

[Ngokpa]

Well, on the one hand, it's your computer. But as far as cross addictions go, some are to be expected. If it's not a drink or drug, one of the addictions that require abstinence, it's not a big deal unless things get out of hand.

I think his sexuality is his business. The important thing is that he doesn't isolate and is actively involved in his recovery. Not too many are nominated for sainthood in their first year.

[1day]

Hey Lena,

For what is worth, the policy in my house is that everyone has access to our 2 family computers (my wife and I have 4 children, all under the age of majority) BUT the computers are in the common areas in our house...one in the kitchen and one in the den. We simply will not allow anyone to have a computer in the "privacy" of their own room, my wife and I included.

I get that he is 24 and can make his own decisions, but then you should let him acquire his own computer in order to do so.

Stay well!

[Serenity_Seeker]

Ngokpa,
Thank you for responding!

The important thing is that he doesn't isolate and is actively involved in his recovery

That is what I was getting at, "judgement" of the activity aside, I was wondering about the downside of having a computer in his room, this is now a "spare PC",....from a recovery aspect.
I thought perhaps other Mothers, OR JUST ANYONE RECOVERING. has /had a similar situation.

[Serenity_Seeker]

1DAY,
Thank you, also, for your comments on this matter.

MY computer is in plain view!

I "get" what you are saying.....I believe my concern would be the same...even if he lived in an apartment by himself....instead of his bedroom, upstairs.

My main concern was what effect the pc MAY have, on his recovery.

But I do not understand, how, him acquiring his own pc, would change the dynamics of my concern.

[Maverick]

In my opinon You should make sure that the support of family and providing a good environment is the main priority. He shouldn't feel the need to be in front of computer all day. hopefully he himself will limit that time. but a reasonable amout of time is expected. There are some positive things with the computer. This site for example. About the Porn a male his age is often drawn to this, especially if he has been in jail 6 months just watch out for obsession with it

[Serenity_Seeker]

hopefully he himself will limit that time

just watch out for obsession with it

Thanks Maverick!

You make very good points...in your post. The two concerns I have are: obsession and isolation.

I suppose I could start out with him using my pc....then after watching his "habits", decide if the time is right for sitting up the other pc.

[Hopefloats]

Hey Lena....sometimes they let me out at night! LOL

I don't think hun you need to be watching Luke's habits. I think this responsibility is soley with Luke. I do. And you know I say that with love. Lena..he is going to do what he is going to do. We can go just as crazy with them having a phone in their room. You know, wondering just WHO they may be calling.

My question to you is what are "you" comfortable with. Those are the questions that I had to ask myself when my daughter stayed with me for a while. My answers had to be geared towards protecting MY recovery. Only she could take care of hers.

I know you will make the best choice for you, and remember...the wonderful thing about life? If something does not work out? We can always change our minds.

With or without that computer, Luke will find a way to either do what is good for him....or not my friend.

I will be interested in seeing what Mark has to say. This is just my honest feeling on the matter and a dash of experience thrown in.

Hopefloats

[Ten Chips Down]

Originally Posted by Lena

The two concerns I have are: obsession and isolation.

Lena,

Greetings and salutes.

I'm with Hopefloats ohh, roughly 300% on this. Your son is a man. And I'm not going to sugar-coat this: The man, once free, is going to do what he damned well wants to do.

He's living in your house, yet if you try and control him where he doesn't want those apron strings, he will act on a couple of a myriad of options which any adult has, the two most predictable being:

a) Rebel and resent
b) Find a way to do what is his right under that law

I am sorry for this post not being of a more "warm and fuzzy" tone, but I'm way more concerned with YOUR determination to "see him remain" on the path to recovery.

My dear - that is all down to his prerogative; his responsibility. Even his business, and no one elses.

Best,
Ten

[Serenity_Seeker]

My question to you is what are "you" comfortable with

Hope,

You know, I suppose I am, already, "tip toeing" around here...and he isn't even home!

You are correct about me "watching" him....thanks for the reminder!

but I'm way more concerned with YOUR determination to "see him remain" on the path to recovery.

Ten chips down:

You can get in a few licks, with the skillet...when Hope is done!

You know....sometimes, I forget that he is an adult. It seems that I may be "stuck" ,BEFORE, the drug use. Where has the time gone??

I am going to hook up the computer....put a link to this site....the rest is up to him!

[Hopefloats]

Lena....Aaaah my pots and pans are so God-awful dented from hitting myself with them, that I just cannot whack you dear one.

Listen, you are venturing into a situation that does not come with a handbook. It is just my opinion that we use our recovery tools, and we do the very best we can. Trust me, I have goofed BIG time and that is okay. When we know better we do better. No judging from this woman. Just a whole lotta prayers for your peace and serenity and that I will gladly GIVE you

You are a wonderful mom Lena...Just keep doing the best that you can. Oh and keep my updates coming...
(((LUKE))))((((LENA)))))

[Ann]

Lena, my thoughts are "your house, your computer, your rules". If they don't suit your son, he is "free' to live anywhere else he chooses and I know you will love him just as much. Put the computer wherever YOU feel comfortable with it being....regardless of your reasons.

Something I learned with my own "adult" son, and that was that I could allow this whole codie/addict thing make me analyze every move I made, when the simple truth was that I get to live my life any way that is comfortable and happy for me. You have no idea how many years it took for me to discover that. And how others, including my son, felt about it was entirely their problem.

Just be the best person you know how to be, do what is right for you and stay true to yourself, and let the rest of the world figure out whether they care to join you or not.

Just my thoughts.

Hugs
Ann

[Serenity_Seeker]

that I could allow this whole codie/addict thing make me analyze every move I made,

Yep, Ann, that's it!


After rereading my post...it is somewhat vague!

I have MY new computer downstairs. I was going to hookup the old one in Luke's room.

Bottomline....it really doesn't bother me...what He chooses to look at.
I just wondered how common it is to startup another "addiction???

He is an adult! He is an adult! He is an adult!

I have decided to put the computer in his room...and then pray that he uses the link, I will add, to this site!



Here I am...fretting about the computer....

I received a letter from him today, asking if I thought we could get a Playstation 2!

He's a kid! He's a kid! He's a kid!

[Ten Chips Down]

LOL, you're too cute. No, don't suffer the kid with a PS2; the PlayStation 3 makes its debut November 17 - tomorrow.

Just go all out and go broke (it's $599).

[Ten Chips Down]

Originally Posted by Lena

Ten chips down: You can get in a few licks, with the skillet...when Hope is done!

Originally Posted by Hopefloats

I just cannot whack you dear one.

Well I still can, it looks so fun and beside she PROMISED!!! And, and PLUS! I got a turkey drumstick!! Woot!


LOL... LOL Nah - kidding aside, some SOMEONE tell me what in hell this little dude is doing? --> :firefight

i swear, i can't fig're it for the life of me. LOL

[Ten Chips Down]

I he is on medication do you think?

[MarkSichelCSW]

The issue is not whether you should let your 24 year old son use a computer; the issue is you need help with your co-addiction and you need help treating him like an adult who is recoverying from a dealy illness not like a child who needs choices such as computer time made for them. Please get yourself to NarcotAnon or AlAnon so you can learn how to best help your son recover from this very deadly illness.

[Serenity_Seeker]

The issue is not whether you should let your 24 year old son use a computer

Mark,
Thank you for YOUR opinion.

The issue, FOR ME, was not actually, his use of the computer....I was, more to the point...asking about the "occurance", or not?, of "trading one addiction for another" in recovering addicts????
I would "assume" this trade-off could, just as easily, apply to food....picking your nose, etc.????


As far as the "computer time".... Ngokpas' reply of:

The important thing is that he doesn't isolate

....is exactly the, HELPFUL, advice I was trying to elicit!

[THE KING]

here is a question I want to ask the original poster, would you rather he be addicted to internet porn or drugs?

internet porn will not kill him

drugs will

there is your answer

[Serenity_Seeker]

KING,
Thank you for your response!
I see your point about death and drugs.....

I was not actually adressing the "drug addiction" because until I see differently, I choose to believe that his "recovery" will continue.

I, basically, was adressing, whether "recovering addicts, more than likely, "take-on" another addiction.

My son, relayed, to me that when he first entered the facility, it seemed as though, some of the residents were "addicted" to "trading food". This process started before they would eat.

Porn addiction, does not, literally, take your life, as in death....
but it can be a "destroyer" of the porn addicts' life and their familys' life.

Porn addiction is becoming an epidemic....and.... like the drug epidemic...will have to be reckoned with!

[Ten Chips Down]

Originally Posted by Lena

Bottomline....it really doesn't bother me...what He chooses to look at. I just wondered how common it is to startup another "addiction???

Let's revisit this. "Drug addict" is an addiction of substance (i.e., substance abuse).

I have to assume he was abusing some drug or alcohol since you didn't say.

Behavioral anomalies have only recently in modern times come to be labelled, "addictions"; and it is sufficiently controversial within academic circles whether one can accuarely ascribe the term "addiction" to a behavior.

The are addictions and there obsessive-compulsive behavior neuroses.

Lena, to answer your question, I don't think you need worry about your kid trading a drug for porn. They really are two different kinds of neurosis.

Ten

[historyteach]

Lena;
With respect, I think Mark's advice is right on.
This is, right now, about you. And that's exactly why I appreciated Ann's post too. "My house; my rules." He is an adult and is free to do what he wants, when he wants. YOU don't have to have it in your house, though.
Are you going to naranon or alanon meetings? Are you wrking the steps? Do you have a sponsor?
Those are the things which will help you keep your focus where it should be. On you.

Shalom!

[BigSis]

Hi Lena... long time no see!

At 24, it seems to me that your son should be making his own decisions. Perhaps a good one would be to live in a sober living arrangement with other men who are focused on recovery. Oxford houses (google it) can provide such an atmosphere.

Both my kids tried it following rehab(s) and my son, in particular, found it a good place to figure out how to live like an adult after years of me treating him like a child... he was the youngest in the house, at age 20, but he did very well... and learned lots.

My daughter was not quite ready for the house, but in her short time there (2 months) she learned a WHOLE lot about taking care of HER needs herself.

Perhaps you can help him find a sober house where he can make adult choices about his adult life without treading on YOUR rules.

I wish you well.