What can I do?

[WorriedSis2]

Hi, I just found this site and I am relieved to find someplace that maybe I can get a little guidance. My Brother, 42 yrs old, is an addict. He fell at work and injured his back about 10 yrs ago, he has had 2 back surgeries and cannot work anymore, he is currently collecting diability. His addiction began with his pain meds, MS Contin, then Xanax. For years we knew he had a problem but he wouldnt admit it. He married and adopted a child, his wife tried to get him to detox and rebuild his life, but nothing helped him. Instead, he started using Crack. Finally, she had enough and divorced him. I let him come and stay with me & my family and I tried to help him get his life together. After about 9 months of trying to help him myself, the burden was too much on me and my family so I got him admitted to a drug rehab facility (which the state should be ashamed of how dificult it is to get some help!!), he was there for 30 days and seemed to be doing well. Once he came out, it was back to the same old thing. I had his meds locked up and hand fed them to him 3 times a day, took his car so he couldnt get out and get drugs, stayed up most nights because I was too afraid to sleep because he would not go to bed instead he would fall asleep on my couch with lit cigarettes. I found out my sister felt "sorry" for him and gave him so Xanax to "help" him (knowing that was his drug of choice) before I knew it, he was high in my house again and I had to ask him to leave. See the thing is, he also has Bipolar and is very suicidal ( he attemped with Xanax 2 times before). I feel he used his suicidal thoughts to force me to keep him in my home, thinking I would be too afraid he would kill himself and not kick him out. Well, that worked for a while but I cannot jeopardize my familys safty, I did that long enough! By the way, he got $40,000 when his divorce was final in August, and as of today he is down to $5,000. I kicked him out 2 weeks ago, and it that time alone he has blown about $20,000. He had been stayed at a motel is a trashy neighborhood. He has not had any contact with me, my sister or my Mother the past 2 weeks. He will not answer his phone, etc.. He has been leaving threatening messages on his Ex-Wife's phone and has made it known he is "watching" her. Today, she called me to say he went to her house and said he was going to kill himself today and wanted to say "goodbye" and told her where he wanted to be burried. She called me and I called 911, the police went to the motel and took him to the hospital. He was transferred to a Psychiatric hospital for a 24 hr evaluation. I tried to call the hospital and they refused to give me any info on him, very rudely saying that HE did not get them permission to tell me anything! It is all up to HIM. After that the Psychiatrist at the hospital called his EX wife ( I guess he gave her permission) and asked about a reconciliation?? She gave them my number to call, stating he has been in my care for the past year. they never called me. My questions are, was I wrong to throw him out? Will it be my fault is something awful happens? How can I get the hospital to listen to me when my drugged up brother wont give me permission? How can I get him help? Sorry this is so long....please any advise would be appreciated...

[CarolD]

Welcome to SR..

Yes it is a heartbreaking situation.

While you are waiting for a reply from Mark
I suggest you check out this forum for support

Please click on the line below

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/nar-anon/

You are not alone Hugs

[WorriedSis2]

Thank you, I am been reading the posts. The hospital did not feel they needed to keep him, he is not ready to admit there is a problem. Within the next day or so he will be completely broke and I am terrified not only for him, but for my family. Please, if anyone can give me some advise, i would appreciate it.

[nata]

Remember you can't save him, he can save him self if he chooses too.
I understand you are being terrified about that and worried about your brother. But it looks to me that you did all the right things. You have to protect yourself and your family.
It really hurts when somebody so close to you is so self distructive. Unfortunately we can only do that much to help them... They have to hurt in order to want to get better.
I hope evertything will work out for you and your brother!

[kennesaw]

I dont have much to add other than I am sorry for the pain you are going thru

I have been dealing with hospitals, pdocs and clinics that WILL NOT give any information at all regarding my husband. Its some new Hippa rule. I understand your frustration!!

When mental health is concerned all doors suddenly slam shut.
I rushed my husband to the ER. We signed him in, writing he had paranoid delusions etc. Do you believe that they took him back to a room and NEVER came to speak with me! They never asked me his medical history, what was currently happening etc etc. Can you believe that they would take the word of someone who ADMITS to being paranoid and delusional, someone who couldnt speak in complete sentences at the time!?!

I believe he got terrible care because of this. It could have been caused by anything from brain damage from a recent car accident to a serious mental illness (which is very strong in his family) They ran no tests, let him out in 2 days

Remember......the doctors cant speak TO you if he has not given permission, but they CAN LISTEN TO YOU!! If he is still under someones care, CALL, send faxes, scream if you must. They will not tell you anything about his condition but they may take what you say into consideration

I actually broke thru the wall a week or so ago and the dr called after hearing the message I left. Not much was done unfortunately but she did advise me some

Stay strong
I wish you the best

[MarkSichelCSW]

It was absolutely correct to throw him out, you're not responsible if anything happens to him, you can't get the hospital to listen to you if he hasn't given permission and only he can get himself help.

I strongly recommend you go to Al Anon or Nar Anon where your actions that you asked me about will be supported and you'll get help learning to detach with love. That's the best help you can give an addict.

[Ten Chips Down]

Hey Sis,

I'm going to really do some straight talking here, so please take it the right way.

I hope Mark Sichel doesn't mind.

"Was I wrong to throw him out?"

HELL no. (I think you know that. )

"Will it be my fault if something awful happens?"

No, ma'am. Of course not.

"How can I get the hospital to listen to me when my drugged up brother wont give me permission?"

Because of newer, even more stringent federal confidentiality laws enacted a couple of years ago, it is impossible to get information without his express permission, though as Ken said (and very good point!), you can make sure they hear what you to say.

"How can I get him help?"

Past a certain point, you really do have to let go - and I mean just separate and detach. He is a master manipulator--look, he's had a decade to perfect and hone his skills on you; plus you're family: He can tug at your heartstrings and knows all the right moves.

MS Contin is a slow-release formulation of morphine. Xanax.... well, you know what a tempter that is. And I'm sure you know that crack is a pure, smokable form of cocaine. Bad news, all of it.

You have our love and our thoughts, but Sis you gotta get away now, emotionally, from your brother.

TenChips