Bluberry

First off I just wanted to say hello to everyone; it's been atleast 4 months since I posted. Since then I've gotton clean and have straightened my Diabetes out... I was on the road to kidney failure and other problems, now I'm more on the road to recovery. Also, I must add that I am on the road to motherhood; I'm a few days shy of being 6 months pregnant.

Since I've gotton clean I have become quite sure that the symptoms of my Bi-Polar were only symptomatic of my being an addict. I still have some issues that concern me with this, but either way I'm thankful for all of the positive things, mentally I have seen with quitting.

However, I still have the same challenge that I've been handeling since I can remember: my post-traumatic stress disorder.

Another significant change in my life since I've known of my pregnancy and have been clean is my mother's health decline. I know that it has had a direct impact on my PTSD. Not just from my father's death, but from being a caregiver in a nursing home for the last few years.

I woke up this morning, and after about an hour of thinking I realized something. I have these dreams - they're nightmareish but thats not it - they all have these certain feelings to them and after I wake up I feel these feelings all day very intensely. On my bad days I feel like I'm living in these nightmares. I feel this strong feeling of guilt and I have a paralyzing anxiety problem.

I used to post on this website specifically for my PTSD and it really helped. I think the hardest thing right now is I don't have anyone in my family to talk to about my mom. I can never get ahold of my brother and I haven't talked to any of my cousins in years. I don't really enjoy talking to people I know because they sympathize - and sympathy isn't really what I'm wanting right now.

If anyone has any comment on any of this it would be very appreciated if it were shared.

Thanks

Bluberry

FriendInNeed

Hi Bluberry, I just wanted to say that what u said in the above quote is EXACTLY what i am experiencing right now!! i was sitting today trying to explain it to my partner but couldnt find the right words! I havent even introduced myself properly to this group ( i was posting in another part for something else) but thats what i came here for. Anyway, back to ur "nightmares", i know exactly what ur talking about when u say the feeling hangs with u all day, ive had this on and off for most of my life now (i'm 29) but its just started again in the last week i think. The guilt is still handing over me after last nights sleep and it should be time for me to go to bed again. This is usually the times when i find myself dreaming about my dad ( he died when i was 17), i have dreams where he dies and i spend the whole dream crying and u know when u wake up and for a moment u think " phew that was a bad one i'm so glad it wasnt real" and then seconds later u realise that it IS true and u spend the rest of the day completely devastated. I know these dreams are only part of my own cycle of whatever IS wrong with my brain/mind but i hope ur not too offended when i say that i am just so glad that you get the same. Untill now! i thought i was alone in experiencing these dreams that affect me so badly ( however silly it may sound to some).

I just want to say a big THANK YOU!! for making me feel less alone right now!
Take care xxxxx

Don W

Hi Blueberry, I've found the same connection with my PTSD and addiction. I just came back after a relapse. As soon as I started drinking again my addiction fed off of my PTSD. The one thing I've learned is in my case both need to be dealt with at the same time. As I said after 3 years I drank. However, the experence I gained is helping me deal with my new start. Welcome back and great to read your post. Don W

Bluberry

Don - its getting really hard; I mean with dealing with my PTSD and my recovery. I wasn't just a dope addict; I was also an alcoholic, too. It's hard because not only do I see people around me still high, but just being around my boyfriend and his friends when they drink. I don't want to ask anyone not to drink around me because I'm embarrassed and to be honest, I don't think anyone will take me seriously. I know I will not relapse while I'm pregnant.... thats not really the issue. Like, I got more bad news about my mom yesterday and since then, I've been living in this nightmare and dying from anxiety - I feel sick you know? And seeing all the beer bottles just makes it worse. I used to drink the sickness away; or do drugs to make it go away. Seeing liquer bottles is the worst for me and I had to see one today before work... I don't know I just had to vent a little I guess. It's just starting to be too much.
Since I am approaching my 3rd trimester I'm considering going on a medication. My psychiatrist has told me of some that are safe during pregnancy. I'm nervous about doing this, but I might need to. My PTSD is getting worse, and when it gets bad enough I can become violent after flashbacks. I'm also embarrassed of this - but what can I do? The child I'm carrying is the most important thing - so I'm weighing my options here and I'm thinking of going on one of these meds.
Any comments? Either way... thanks for listening everyone. Just being able to be open, to express myself like this makes me feel like theres hope. Thanks

-The big blue

Morning Glory

PTSD and flashbacks are really tough. If the doctors are sure it's safe for the baby I think medication would be helpful. You can learn new tools to cope with the anxiety and flashbacks. It's really hard to do that when the anxiety and flashbacks overpower you. Medication can temporarily give you the advantage you need to develop new coping methods.