doorknob

I guess I'll try to give a quick summary of where I'm at, and what brought me here. I started experimenting with alcohol and pot at around 13 years old. It was fun and exciting, and just seemed to enhance everything. Around 17, I had a tramatic drawn out break up with a girlfriend. Shortly after that, I began experiencing symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder. It came on hard and fast, and I began smoking pot regularly to medicate, and using alcohol to feel more at ease socially. The symptoms began to pile up to where I had all the classic sympoms of OCD and more. At about 21 years old, while taking a psychology class in college, I diagnosed myself, and went to a psychiatrist to confirm it. He put me on Anafranil, and like magic, the OCD was gone. Of course, I still smoked pot and drank for pleasure, but my life was going smooth again. About a year later, while living on my own and experiencing financial difficulties, I went off of the meds. In a couple of months, all my symptoms returned tenfold, plus I developed new ones to boot. I was pretty much rendered unable to function, and moved back home to mom, with my tail between my legs. My mom managed to get me covered on her insurance, and got me into an inpatient mental facility. They got me back on meds, and got me doing things that I had no longer been able to do, because I would get "stuck". If you've ever seen the movie "Matchstick Men", those were the type of frenzies I would get into, over numerous obsessions and compulsions.

Morning Glory

Are you still on the meds?

I thought I was OCD, but the psychiatrist said I was just obsessive, lol.

Being obsessive with PTSD means I have to keep everyone safe at all times.

It's quite a job.

doorknob

No, I haven't been on meds for a couple of years. The state funded mental health center had their funding cut, and the sliding scale was eliminated. In a week or two, I'm going to go to the free clinic and try to get started on some samples, and sign up for a med assistance program. I was on Prozac (80 mg) on and off for over 10 years. It only helped a little, but I've never had any side effects from it. And except for a 60 day clean period several years ago, I've always drank and smoked pot on it, so I don't know if it would have helped more had I not been. The anxiety I have been experiencing these last couple of weeks is really wearing me down. I almost lost it this morning. I was up at 6 am with the usual morning anxiety attack, and started thinking about hitting the convenient store at 8. Also, my gf has some .5 mg Xanax tabs that she can't take, cuz they knock her out. I've been tempted during some of these times. I haven't drank or smoked pot for 18 days.

Morning Glory

Can you go to the clinic sooner?

I know how hard that anxiety is and know how hard it is to get through it.

Stay clear of caffeine. Don't take allergy medication or anything with an antihistamine if you don't have to. Don't take anything over the counter that may increase anxiety. I don't know if you smoke, but keep it down to a minimum. Too much nicotine can cause panic. Stay away from any stress that you don't absolutely need to deal with to function and take care of yourself. Say no to anything else.

Acceptance is the key to getting through the panic. It increases when you fight it.
It takes a lot of endurance to get through it, but you can increase your strength by accepting it.

Some of the main fears we have during a panic attack:

I'm losing control
I'm losing my mind
I am going to die
I am going to do something that will embarrass and humiliate me
I can't make it through this

All these fears throw us into the second fear of panic and increase the adrenaline.

This is what I do that gets me through it.

I accept the panic and don't fight it.
I sit down and slow my breathing and calm my mind.
I talk myself through it.

I'm not in any danger.
I'm just having a panic attack.
I have too much adrenaline in my body and it won't harm me.
I focus on the time when it will be gone and imagine what that feels like.
I'm not losing my mind.
I'm not losing control.
I'm not dying.

Try to get to the clinic sooner.

You can do this!

jcade

Very good advice Morning Glory! Hang in their you can do it! Confront the feelings and they will have no control to make you feel so tortured!

As for your gf and the xanax ask her to remove the temptation and flush'em down the toilet.

John

doorknob

Thanks MG and Jcade. John, just curious, what are you prescribed Klonopin for? Is it helpful? It's in the same class as Xanax. I'm not sure I could take either responsibly. MG, I don't smoke cigarettes, but do take in too much caffeine. However, the anxiety attacks come first thing in the morning, before I've had any coffee. Then I make coffee and get on the computer.

Autumn

DK.....

I also have panic disorder. I have been taking Xanax and Klonopin alternately for 15 or so years. I'm also having financial/insurance difficulties. My SO is kind enough to trade his Tylenol3's with someone who has Xanax prescribed. It's not something I like doing, but I can thank our f'd up healthcare system and lack of resources.

To be honest, I take much, much less Xanax and Klonopin (some days none at all, and never more than 1.5 mg per day) than I ever have since I quit drinking and smoking pot last September, and I haven't had a single panic attack since then either. My anxiety is still raw however, and I'm super depressed. That's another talk show, but I took Zoloft for that which worked wonders. That's another one I'll have to get on the sly through the SO's PCP and insurance. And I'll still need something for ADD.

I wouldn't recommend taking gf's Xanax unless you have had it prescribed before and know what to expect. Plus if you get caught with them, it's a felony (just thought I'd toss that in for political correctness' sake).

Hopefully after you get through these first few weeks being alcohol/pot free, the panic attacks will stop like they did with me. As far as the depression goes, I was fine for about the first four months while I was riding my pink cloud, but then it came back. I was so disappointed, but I guess it's just a part of me and my brain chemistry, besides being just plain neurotic in general.

Autumn

Just wanted to add, too, that I believe anxiety/panic control without meds is totally achievable. There were times in my past when I was unable to afford meds or obtain them otherwise, and had to learn how to control the panic attacks on my own. I actually went out and bought a copy of The Idiot's Guide to Conquering Fear and Anxiety some years ago. It helped a lot. It seems a lot like trying to stop a train, I know, but it can be done with practice. Morning Glory had some good suggestions, but you really have to do your part to get there without meds.

I don't believe I have OCD, but you I know you're aware of the cognitive approaches to that.

Personally, I don't like putting any medications in my body unless it's necessary. I don't even take Tylenol unless I'm in a lot of pain. My goal is to be med free where anxiety is concerned. I don't know if it's possible for everyone but I do believe there's hope. In the meantime I'm doing what I've gotta do to until I can get back on track. I'm way out of practice.

If you can't get meds right away or it takes awhile to make other lifestyle changes, try Kava. You'll eventually get through this DK. I truly understand your discomfort. I have been battling serious anxiety/depression/panic/ADD for so long. There's good support here too, so take comfort in that.

doorknob

Thanks Autumn. I've never had a pink cloud. Looks like I'm back on pot again. I dunno.

DK

doorknob

Me too!

doorknob

Okay, so after I got out of the mental hospital, I kinda pulled my life back together. I had a girlfriend (who I met in the hospital LOL, didn't last long ), looked for and found work, taught gymnastics for several years, and was doing sorta Ok. Of course I still smoked pot and drank (big freakin' suprise ), and like before, dabbled in an array of substances. Several years down the road, I was drinking heavily, and the effects were starting to show, while drunk and while sober. I was also experimenting with a drug called "crack" , maybe some of you have heard of it. After a small one night binge, my worse episode, I began having panic attacks. I saw a shrink (was on Prozac through most of this), took some benzo's (which I drank on), and then made a brief effort to get sober. I started what I now understand to be an average 12-Step outpatient program, and tried a few AA/NA meetings. The whole churchy feel of it really creeped me out, even though I did like being around other addicts. It was like a support group I had participated in for OCD and had found helpful, but then again, I grew up in a secular family, and the whole god thing, I just could not relate to. I was like "whatever", and went on my way, trying to just keep a handle on things. Well, after the crack scare, and then being told I wasn't going to be needed the upcoming season at the gym, I decided to head back to Bozeman, MT, where I had lived for a short period of time, just after the first time I was medicated for OCD, and up till the discontinuation of those meds. I'll add that during this time period, I almost finished a degree in psychology.

Autumn

Yw. Now that's an oxymoron if I've ever seen one, pal. Ahhh.... sweet oblivion.

Autumn

Your story so far is interesting though, DK. A lot of it resonates with me. One night after about a week-long coke binge, that's when my panic attacks started. I was diagnosed with a mitral valve prolapse too. I haven't touched the stuff since. Be careful who offers you pot; you might run up against the unfortunate 51.

I'm kind of surprised that you can have panic/anxiety disorder and still smoke. I couldn't do it unless I was on some kind of downer, or else I turned into a paranoid freak.

About the pink cloud thing..... I got it I guess when I was about a month abstinent. It lasted about three months. Strange phenomena, it is. You might still get it if you don't go back to drinking. Maybe you never will.

I half wonder if the "pink cloud" sensation got me through my first few months. Man, I felt so good. I didn't even think about using.

Then it was back to reality, lol. I still won't drink or smoke pot, but I do think about it.

Anyway, I'm glad you're writing and still hanging around DK. I was kinda mad at first when I read earlier today that you started smoking again.

See, I still lean more toward the behavior aspect of addiction than the disease model. So sometimes it's hard for me to feel a whole lot of pity. So you can quit again now.

Anyway, enough of my rambling. Please continue (writing)!

doorknob

I wasn't really trying to relate the two... but I can see how it sounded like that.

Not quite oblivion, but it does help lower the anxiety. Pot rarely gets me paranoid. It's always been what has gotten me off the other crap, and helps me forget about the OCD stuff I'm stuck on. I do realize there are better ways, and pot has too any negative effects for me to keep doing it. Enough of me wants to be free of it that I'm sure I'll be quiting again. I'll get it one of these times. I'm gonna talk to a doctor soon too. Explain it all, and see what they suggest. My pink cloud may be a little farther out there than some peoples. Then again, I may always struggle. It would be nice to feel a little better at some point though. Like I said, I will keep trying.

BTW, disease or not, I made the choice to smoke. And when I quit again, that will be my choice too. Hopefully, I'll be better prepared next time.

Thanks for not staying mad at me. I'm not exactly proud.

Paul

Autumn

(((Aw)))....

I was really kidding about the pink cloud thing, darlin'. Kind of being facetious I guess, because I was still disappointed. And I know you're not proud. Otherwise you would be off somewhere partying instead of hanging out here so much. I understand. I only abused alcohol/drugs forever it seems. I wish I had found this site before I quit!

There is a way through this, and you'll find it. I hope you can get that prescription assistance.....

There is a pink cloud waiting for you, Paul. It might not be real euphoric like it is for some, but I think it comes after cleaning out your system really good. It's like seeing the world through different eyes and a having a clear mind after having one that was so long clouded up, day after day.

You did good, DK, really. I hope that you won't wait so long before you try to quit again. And of course, try to journal this experience, even if it's just a page or a few paragraphs here so you can refer to it later to see what went wrong.

I'm pullin' for ya pally.

doorknob

Ok, tonight is the night they have the free clinic. I've kinda rehearsed what I want to say. Basically, something like this: "I'm 37, middle to late stage alcoholic (dry), have struggled with OCD since a teen, have had generalized anxiety problems since my mid 20's, and in my 30's have had some depression. I have been using marijuana on a daily basis for many years to medicate the anxiety and depression. I don't want to smoke pot anymore, and have tried to quit many times, but the anxiety always gets the better of me. I've taken SSRI's on and off since I was diagnosed with OCD, with mild impovements. However, I haven't been on any meds since the state cut funding for mental health, probably close to two years ago. Can you help me?"

Autumn

DK..... that sounds really good.

Let us know how it goes, k?

doorknob

Yep.

BSPGirl

Good luck at the clinic, sounds good.

doorknob

Thanks BSPGirl!