Getting Angry With Myself
JUST DO IT!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
Getting Angry With Myself
I am really getting angry with myself for even allowing me to get put in that situation the other day. I am just so angry with myself and now my head is telling me that I might as well say ******** it, you are not going to make it anyway. I know it is Just For Today but I am pissed off at ME. Just feeling lower than a snake crawling on the ground. 
I am almost to the I don't give a ******** mode and I know that isn't true.
I am almost to the I don't give a ******** mode and I know that isn't true.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,508
Vic,
You got through it and you didn't use. Instead of being angry at yourself, you might try to figure out why it happened. What got you to that place? Like I said earlier, I think you might have been stressed out with everything that you're going through. What do you think? You know that if you keep feeling like that towards yourself, it's going to lead you to a bad place. You have gone through SO much and you are doing great. You're about 10 months clean right now, so pat yourself on the back.
You got through it and you didn't use. Instead of being angry at yourself, you might try to figure out why it happened. What got you to that place? Like I said earlier, I think you might have been stressed out with everything that you're going through. What do you think? You know that if you keep feeling like that towards yourself, it's going to lead you to a bad place. You have gone through SO much and you are doing great. You're about 10 months clean right now, so pat yourself on the back.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Charlottesville, Va
Posts: 632
vic- your higher power got you through that situation clean. That's a deffinate faith building experience. I get myself into crazy situations when I take my will back but I learn from them. Like someone had said before life is a lessin' or a blessin'. learn from this for sure and get rid of phone numbers and tell these people don't come around anymore.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Anywhere,USA
Posts: 511
(((Vic)))
It is what it is...ok. You passed the test, if that's what you were thinking.
Personally, I have not had that kind of test nor would I trust myself to go there because in my twisted addict brain, the fact that I had spent money on it and that I had some would be enough to make me wanna do it.
I apologize for comming down hard on you in your other thread...
I don't think that you're stupid at all.
I just know that for me, I'm not ready to be in a room with people getting high...
and I don't think that I ever will be.
I'm scared as hell to put myself in that sort of a position...I'm afraid that even though I've got a few 24 hours behind me that the temptation would just be too strong.
It is what it is...ok. You passed the test, if that's what you were thinking.
Personally, I have not had that kind of test nor would I trust myself to go there because in my twisted addict brain, the fact that I had spent money on it and that I had some would be enough to make me wanna do it.
I apologize for comming down hard on you in your other thread...
I don't think that you're stupid at all.
I just know that for me, I'm not ready to be in a room with people getting high...
and I don't think that I ever will be.
I'm scared as hell to put myself in that sort of a position...I'm afraid that even though I've got a few 24 hours behind me that the temptation would just be too strong.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Anywhere,USA
Posts: 511
The other thing is that during this past month of my going off my antidepressants...I felt more outta control and closer to a possible relapse than I ever have...
Not that I necessarily wanna go out and get my DOC, meth...but I have had a few thoughts of going out to a bar, having a few drinks, hooking up with a guy...
When in my rational brain...I know that would probably be the worst way to meet someone.
The last thing I need is a relationship with an alcoholic.
am I thinking!
So I'm a little angry with myself for having some stupid "thoughts"...as well.
However the good news is that Vic...neither one of us did anything REALLY bad yet...
Thinking is not the same thing as doing...
Not that I necessarily wanna go out and get my DOC, meth...but I have had a few thoughts of going out to a bar, having a few drinks, hooking up with a guy...
When in my rational brain...I know that would probably be the worst way to meet someone.
The last thing I need is a relationship with an alcoholic.
am I thinking!So I'm a little angry with myself for having some stupid "thoughts"...as well.
However the good news is that Vic...neither one of us did anything REALLY bad yet...
Thinking is not the same thing as doing...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: KCMO
Posts: 102
Vic,
First off let me tell you that I am shocked that you have the willpower to get through that situation. It does not even seem possible to me in accordance with the NA or AA programs, but you beat the odds! I certainly couldn't of. They tell us in NA to change people, places & things for a reason. It's because if you don't change, your clean date will, and there have never been any truer words. I myself would not hold onto these acquintances even if they are people going through hell in a very bad spot. Do you feel confident enough in your program to pull them out if it's going to cost more situations like that to arise? From your latter responses I don't think so. This is a selfish program we put ourselves in man and it's for a reason - it's about YOU. Don't think to heavily on the past as I've found that it often beats me down and keeps the little A in myself all that much closer to control.
First off let me tell you that I am shocked that you have the willpower to get through that situation. It does not even seem possible to me in accordance with the NA or AA programs, but you beat the odds! I certainly couldn't of. They tell us in NA to change people, places & things for a reason. It's because if you don't change, your clean date will, and there have never been any truer words. I myself would not hold onto these acquintances even if they are people going through hell in a very bad spot. Do you feel confident enough in your program to pull them out if it's going to cost more situations like that to arise? From your latter responses I don't think so. This is a selfish program we put ourselves in man and it's for a reason - it's about YOU. Don't think to heavily on the past as I've found that it often beats me down and keeps the little A in myself all that much closer to control.
JUST DO IT!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
I know why this has happened and this is the one of the main reasons that I always relapse if there are any reasons. I think when someone relapses it is because they want to get high. I don't try and blame anyone other than myself. I am not going to give in today. I am really beating myself up here even more today than yesterday. It is so hard for me to fogive myself anyway. Anyway that is that.
This was not a test to my sobriety, I don't like to test it. This just happened but I know that I put myself in the situation. I think I can help others BS I can not even ******* help myself. God I am angry so ******* mad..
This was not a test to my sobriety, I don't like to test it. This just happened but I know that I put myself in the situation. I think I can help others BS I can not even ******* help myself. God I am angry so ******* mad..
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
be gentle on yourself vic - don't make me come over there and <a href='http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb008_ZBxdm197YYUS' target='_blank'><img src='http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/10/10_1_114.gif' alt='Smack Me' border=0></a>
((vic))
((vic))
so it must work!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
ahhh yes - the old cleaning to purge anger trick! works for me! <a href='http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb008_ZBxdm197YYUS' target='_blank'><img src='http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/3/3_13_11.gif' alt='Cleaning The Toilet' border=0></a>
doing the inside job
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: planet happy
Posts: 542
A drug conselor told me I was a perfectionist.
I didn't know what hell she was saying at first, after all I was sleeping
in my car at the time.
Awareness is good. Or growth, progress.
So It's a good thing really. if you were high you wouldn't notice it
or gave a rats arss.
Oh yes....that anger. I use to like it. It's like a rush.
You did #4 and 5#...yes?
So you're right around #6 and #7.
I didn't know what the old timers were saying at first.
When they told me..."Oh, you like that stuff, that's why
it never gets removed.
So its, kind of like the same principle with the drinking and using.
I apply the same principle with my defects or anger.
And don't you just love it , when you go talk to your sponsor about issues
and he tells ya "you're exactly where you're suppose to be". lol
I didn't know what hell she was saying at first, after all I was sleeping
in my car at the time.
Awareness is good. Or growth, progress.
So It's a good thing really. if you were high you wouldn't notice it
or gave a rats arss.
Oh yes....that anger. I use to like it. It's like a rush.
You did #4 and 5#...yes?
So you're right around #6 and #7.
I didn't know what the old timers were saying at first.
When they told me..."Oh, you like that stuff, that's why
it never gets removed.
So its, kind of like the same principle with the drinking and using.
I apply the same principle with my defects or anger.
And don't you just love it , when you go talk to your sponsor about issues
and he tells ya "you're exactly where you're suppose to be". lol
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Anywhere,USA
Posts: 511
(((Vic)))
It's about progress not perfection...The most scary thing for me was in the beginnning they told me that I had to change EVERYTHING...
The good thing is that that doesn't happen overnight, gradually over time things do change completely.
You're probably right where you're supposed to be Vic.
It's about progress not perfection...The most scary thing for me was in the beginnning they told me that I had to change EVERYTHING...
The good thing is that that doesn't happen overnight, gradually over time things do change completely.
You're probably right where you're supposed to be Vic.
kingclean
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Plano,Texas
Posts: 1
Angry at yourself
Are you beating yourself up for something you did? Is it a resentment? Do you have a sponsor? Take it easy and slow, Put the bat away. We are only human and we all make mistakes. Go to a meeting and share about it. All feeling pass. Dont do anything that will hurt yourself or others. Remember that we done alot of damage to ourselfs and that recovery takes time. Ask god to remove this anger that you feel, He will help, And so will the people that love you. Billy K.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Recovery
Posts: 3,229
(((Vic))) Take it easy on yourself.
We are not perfect and sometimes things just slip up on us before we know it.
We are human, we are not immune to making choices that are not good for us.
The important thing is that you are clean. I wish I were there to give you a great big hug and tell you how proud I am of your 10 months of precious clean time. You have worked very hard Vic, please give yourself the credit for the work you put into your recovery.
Love,
Hope
We are not perfect and sometimes things just slip up on us before we know it.
We are human, we are not immune to making choices that are not good for us.
The important thing is that you are clean. I wish I were there to give you a great big hug and tell you how proud I am of your 10 months of precious clean time. You have worked very hard Vic, please give yourself the credit for the work you put into your recovery.
Love,
Hope
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