Blake

I am in a scary place right now. I hate to post this b/c I feel like since I have almost a year clean, I should be past the romanticizing period of my recovery, but honestly it has hit me like a brick today. I journaled about it on my blog and that made me feel a little better, but I'm still scared.

I have heard and seen people start romanticizing their drug use and then stop going to meetings and then relapse and I don't want to do this. I know I don't have to, but I see some of the "red flags" I allways hear about.

So I'm throwing up this white flag, and asking for some help.....what do I need to do and can I get some prayers?

Lbad

Hi Blake! You are in my prayers. Something that has always worked for me when I start to get romantic about the drug use: Play the tape all the way through. Yes, it felt good, yes it was fun but then what happened? I try to play it all the way through to my bottom then it doesn't seem so neato anymore.

Blake

Thanks L, glad your still up

Blake

I just read my post on the "what was your rock bottom" thread and it broght back those memories too. I can remember the last time I got high so vivdly and the sickness that followed like it was yesterday. I know that I can never use like a "normal" person, i just guess sometimes I really wish I could. I want it to be like it was back than, but that isn't reality. Reality for me is that if I use, I want to kill myself, that's the end of my tape.

emmer

Hi Blake, I can understand what your saying, and there is a danger in anyone romanticizing there drug use. It's all to common,I think it happenes to everybody.
I'm not sure,but I believe the trick to being successful is to do what your doing,and talk about it. When your tempted to romanticize ...Talk to someone and that will help keep it in perspective, and the temptation, will in time like anything else go away.
But keep talking............Joe

Peter

You did the right thing by identifying and sharing about your feelings. You could take it a step further and share it with your home group.

You may also need to do a review of Step 1 with your sponsor.

Lbad

Your Welcome Blake!!!!!
I hope today is better.

Blake

Thanks yall,

I'm feeling a little better, I had some messed up dreams last night, they weren't about using they were just a little felliniesque.

Recovery has taught me that I can't control my thoughts and feelings, but when I get a little messed up in the head like last night, that knowledge seems really far away.

Tonight is my homegroup meeting and it is a 5&dime so I'm gonna share about all this there to let my friends know I'm not in too hot a mindframe and to keep some tabs on me for a bit.

I appreciate this website so much,
Blake

godsonmyside

Hang in there Blake, It will pass. I remember my last use Like it was 10 minutes ago and the detox just the same. When at the end of the road we all face the same dilema, What is the left to do? Look at recovery as a New Way to live and the problems we seem to have with out even taking the drug and how we keep finding solutions to keep moving on.

Also, there is nothing magical about that 366 day, you are living now and its just today.

Peace,
Todd J.

windysan

Blake, try and remember being dopesick. Always works. Stick your finger down your throat and make yourself puke for a reminder. Hang in there, mang.

Gooch

There's an expression around the rooms "My worst day in recovery is still better than my best days wasted"

Horse hockey!


I didn't start using dope uncontrollably and chain myself to the process of getting, using, finding ways and means to get more.

It's a progressive process. So is recovery.


it's important for me to remember that apparently... ( I'll reiterate apparently .. meaning as far as I can tell and good enough evidence for me to base my choice's on.) I crossed some indeterminable point in my using career and couldn't return to being an "occasional" user.. The good times are gone but not forgotten. I'll be okay as long as I keep things in perspective. As long as I remember to "play the tape all the way through" and counterbalance every "good/attractive memory with the horrible/depressing/disgusting memories of where my condition took me.

I've known some users in my life who could balance the romance without having to sacrifice their goals or prostitute their soul. For whatever the reason I'm not one of those amd it doesn't appear I could ever become one.

Keep talking about it and foster the awareness of balance between the gore and glory and you will always be able to live with your choices.

REZ

Hang in there blake! I think it is natural for an addict to romanticize using. Yes, there were good times, but don't forget the bad. For me, toward, the end, the thrill was gone and it was the same old rut, and lots of bad consequences. So, I need to remember the bad and als remember that I don't have to use today.

dixielove

I tend to do this too. In fact, I did this very often before this last relapse. The only thing is, we can't let ourselves get caught up in the "good" parts of the memories without engaging in the bad. I think the mind of an addict will start trying to rationalize the "good" stuff about the memories and focus more on that than the pain. We have to push ourselves a bit to find the end of the tape.

Do you think there will be a point in our recovery when we stop romanticizing the "good old days" or do you think we will always do this?

2dayzmuse

I hope you don't take this the wrong way Blake. I don't mean to sound glib. You have your sobriety date tattooed on you body. You don't want to loose that date. What a painful reminder it would be to have to look at that and realize that you had messed up. Could you imagine?

Blake

Well I'm feeling alot better about this now.

My home group met tonight and the guy with the key to the place went MIA today (he is one of my best friends in recovery and I'm hoping that the worst case scenario going through my head about it isn't true, but that's a whole nother post) and I ended up charing the meeting after we c=voted and moved it tonight to the local coffee shop...

It was a very different meeting, we had it outside the coffee shop and pulled a bunch of tables together. We had about 30 addicts in a big circle drinking coffee and having a meeting in the down town area....the looks we were getting from people walking by were priceless...and it was really cool. I shared honestly about where I was at and come to find out a couple of other people were going through the same **** right now. It was a 5&dime meeting so there was a whole lot of "telling on my disease" going on it really helped me.

A few of us went and saw "fun with dick and jane" and I just got home....I had a really good day and I'mgreatful for that.

Thank yall so much for the support.......it's funny how bad feelings pass and we move on after talking through something instead of bottleing it up.

Love yall,
Blake

Blake

I KNOW!!!!! THAT WOULD SUCK ASS!

I'm very glad I did it, though....it's another wall between me going out and using again and that exact though has crossed my mind when the thought to use pops in..."WTF am I gonna do about this huge tattoo if I go get loaded?"....the best answer I found is, just don't go get loaded and I don't have to deal with it

AllThatGlitters

Hello Blake,

Just remember what your loved ones did when they discovered that you were using. Remember the gossip about you, the embarrassment. Remember how dead you felt inside. Remember the suicidal thoughts or the thoughts that life itself was worthless. Remember finding nothing fun or entertaining; remember the boredom.

Best of luck to you. I hope you make the choice to stay sober & to try to find joy in life.

andyaddict

Hey Blakey, I remembered you said something like you can't control your thoughts and feelings or something like that. I beg to differ. Let me explain.

A flash image or two about a hot chick might give you a tingle, however, most of us dudes need to make a conscience decision to keep playing that tape over and over to have any REAL physiological response, you know what I mean? Replaying the images IS a conscious decision. It's always best to have a failsafe handy to help stop the tape, I like having books and phone numbers available.

Feelings are the same way, I actually induce feelings once in a while, when I feel a cry is overdue I'll place some music to remind me of the "good 'ol days" with "her" or something and BAM! it's all over with. When I'm done though I'm done, take the tape out, stop the music, and get on with my day, usually with some productive service activity.

Think about it, and hey, come on over to NABasic and say hi once in a while dude.

aa
la

junkyhunky

Whats Up Blake, I Just Fastforward Right To The Consequences And It Aint So Pretty, Won't Do War Stories Your's Should Be Enough To Stop You From Picking Up. God Luck. J.h

deenrose

I'm glad that you made it through Blake. You did the right and only thing by not keeping it to yourself and telling on your disease...