dane5679

Hi- I posted this in the Nar-Anon section- I'm interested in how others in his situation would feel and think about the situations... I don't want to be unreasonable but I don't want to be stupid and say nothing/ i just don't want to be a fool forever... I would appreciate any of your feedback. Thanks


Hi I just lost my S*** on the phone with my AB. His birthday is Jan. 29 and his dad had told him that if Pittsburgh goes to the Superbowl that he would take him to the game for his birthday. Well Pittsburgh won, YEAH- but the superbowl is going to be in Detroit. His dad said that he hates Detroit and that instead of taking him to the Superbowl that he would take him to Las Vegas for his birthday. My AB knew before he even told me that I would be pissed- his dad drinks every single day and takes pills. He is actually the 1st person to ever give my AB a pill (who is now almost 90 days clean). I love his dad and all- he always says that he doesn't want his son using etc and b****** and was en emotional wreck while my AB was using... but says if he could use a little and not let it control his life that would be fine (can you believe this?). His dad is going to Vegas with a group of his friends- some of which had supplied my AB with his drugs (his father knows about some- but seems to turn a blind eye to this- until it interferes with my Abs performance at work, bills, etc... or his (dads) business which equals money in his pocket. My AB said he wants to go to spend time with his dad- which i understand it's still his dad... but my point is your only 90 days clean and want to go to Sin city with your dad and his issues- not to mention his friends? If you want to bond with your dad why can't you do it without the addiction fest... drinking, drugs, gambling, and god knows what else. He said I'm not going to be drinking etc... i'm going to be with my dad. I told him that if he went we were over- ultimatum, yup had to do it... not sure if it's fair... but what am i going to do? Another thing is he lives in a 3/4 house an hour away- he is one of the house managers now so he doesn't get to have overnights every week- depending on what's going on.... but usually one a week-most of the guys get 2 overnights. This trip is suppose to be 4 days- I asked how do you plan on taking 4 overnights in one week when you have a hard time sometimes getting 1- let alone 2. He said he'd just tell them... and if they didn't like it too bad. I was like so why can't you do that any other time with your overnights with me? I just find it hard to believe that his sponsor would think it's ok for him to go to vegas with a bunch of people who will be drinking, gambling, not to mention popping pain meds to keep from getting too drunk- even if he isn't going to be joining in one the festivities- but why should i believe that? My AB is pissed at me like i'm being so unreasonable and some big B****. AM I? This guy (my AB) has SO much debt- his car is falling apart, he barely has any $ and for his B-Day his dad wants to take him to Vegas. Couldn't he find some better way to spend his money or time with his son. It seems his time with his son is always on his agenda- letting him tag along while he's drinking, etc. with his friends... Instead of making some actual time to spend together sober getting to know each other better without chemical help. I AM so ********** mad i can't even stop crying. I'm about to call his dad... My AB said he told his dad not to get him a ticket that he's not going because I gave him the ultimatum that if he went I'm done with him... so now he's (my AB) is pissed at me and I know he's going to try and use the situation against me. Meanwhile he gets pissed if i do anything/ and I don't even drink(let alone smoke or do any drugs, ever). One example: my sister in law always has the kids, my brother works about 60-70 hours a week at the hospital- she brought the kids down one day and in the evening my mother said she'd babysit if we wanted to do something. She wanted to go to a bar and have a drink... just get out of the house- I told her she could and i would drive since i don't drink AT ALL anymore (since he's in a program I don't drink/ even though i never drank much anyway- it's just not important to me, i'd rather have him sober). We were out for maybe two hours (at a bar where his cousin/ whos like his sister works) and he was pissed at me- and he wants to go to vegas? I'm sorry i'm going on... but i need some feedback... how do i deal with this? Am I being unreasonable?
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REZ

This is nutty. Anyone who is serious about getting/staying clean would not go on that trip. I have never been to Las Vegas and I have no intention of going, unless I need to go for business or something like that. I just don't need to be around that scene. It is sick and depressing, not to mention tempting. I have 21 years clean and I intend to keep it.

dane5679

Thanks for your replies... they are very helpful. He continues to tell me that his sponsor knows the situation and that he thinks it is fine that he is going- i just find that very hard to believe. He said that if he wants to use, he'll do it anywhere and that being in Vegas will not make a difference... How i see it why put yourself there and chance the temptation. I'm losing my mind and I'm trying to detach like everyone in Nar-anon is telling me- but I'm afraid that if i detach i will not be able to love him the same/ like pushing him away- I don't want to not care. I also know it's probably stupid of me but I also don't understand that if he knows how the idea of this trip is making me feel (trust issues/ scared) why wouldn't he pass on it if he loves me and wants to be with me like he claims... We've been together for over 4 years. He said he doesn't want to lose me but he doesn't think it's fair to make him chose between me and his dad. The thing is I'm not making him chose between the two of us- I just don't want him to go on this trip which will be in a bar/ casino for 4 days solid. I have no problem with him being with his father I actually encourage them to talk and see each other... but why in vegas in a casino where there is booze. His father will be smashed- why can't they bond somewhere else without the distractions? I really need some help- I don't know how to handle this and it's just making me not trust him more because i feel like either he hasn't told his sponsor the whole story or any of it at all... more lies?

dane5679

i actually thought about talking to his sponsor thought i wasn't sure about the "rules" there. I've met him many times- so he knows me and i know where i could find him... I just wasn't sure about the sponsor relationship thing... since everything is Anonymous/ personal will he listen or even talk to me. We do know each others last names, etc.. we all spent NY eve together and stuff and he is the house manager of the 3/4 house where my boyfriend lives (his boss so to speak). My AB got his 90 days clean yesterday and said that he would not be drinking etc. if he would go to vegas with his dad... even if he wouldn't i still think it's just getting into the habit of surrounding yourself with the things he used to/ can't do anymore.. thank you so much for taking time to discuss these things with me-

dane5679

Thank you so much for everything- you have helped more than you will ever know... I stuck with my decision and told him (after days of fighting) that I would not budge on my decision. If he went to vegas we were through. I told him that if he is serious about his recovery and rebuilding our relationship that he would not put either at risk for 4 days of fun in vegas/ sober or not. After a horrible couple of days of breakdowns and angry phone conversations he called and said that he would not go... he said he doesn't want to make me feel this way and that maybe he is being too confident about his recovery- though he wants to go maybe it's not the best or most responsible thing for him to do. He said he was being selfish and acting like himself- which hasn't gotten him anywhere before... Who knows but i feel a little better but that icky feeling is still here... I just wanted to thank you for being honest with me I really appreciate your help. God bless you and your family. dane

emmer

Going to Vegas would be as good an idea as leaving me ( a pill addict) free run of a pharmacy. Hope this helps......Joe

TRISH1011

That's a good start. Whether he was angry that you were stopping him from what he wanted to do - booze for 4 days or innocently just spend time with his father, you will never know. However, even if he wanted to innocently spend time with his father, I am sure that the temptation would have won him over. I am glad, for now, that he has chosen you over booze, but don't turn your back on further warning signals.

Hugs
Trish

REZ

Dane: Congratulations on making a tough choice--but the right one.

milla

Dane, that is so great that you stood your ground! And everything the guys up there were saying in their posts is right on... if he wants to get high or drink he will... and its awesome that atleast he was able to see some clarity for a minute and respect you enough not to put you thru it etc... and make some good choices for himself. that always feels good. but yeah, i know that uneasy feeling all too well. i know what you mean about fearing detachment as well... fearing you wont care anymore... but if you want to stay with him, you will, even if you 'detach' a little'. what i found really helpful for myself as far as detaching from Addict BF (who also like yours is currently in a halfway house but now only has 5 days clean--which is all good too, i know...) but what works for me is to simply focus on my life and remind myself that there are always options. if he ever wants to fall down that black hole again there is little i can do to stop him. i have reached out to him so many times, done as much as i can when asked without enabling, but in the end i have to take care of me. and there are options. i always tell my love (who I have loved for 15 years as a friend as well) that i will always love him unconditionally but i will not stay with him in a romantic relationship unconditionally. anyway, I tend to babble... sorry I think its great that he didnt go. and I hope he stays clean and sober and i wish you guys lots of happy stress free days. take care. milla

dane5679

Hi all- so to continue with the ongoing saga of my ABF and his father... here we go. So my ABF has been working his program and is now working on his third step. He seems to be doing well and things have been much better- even though i still have my moments of insanity... I am reading everything i can get my hands on! Well so the vegas thing was a success i think- he chose not to go concluding that it may not be the best thing to do at this time. Now a whole new chapter is opening with my ABF and his father... my ABF basically runs the family business/ paving company/ although his father is still ultimately the "BOSS." My ABF is living in the 3/4 house about an hour away/ he is among his support system... all his friends from NA etc. and living in the same building as his sponsor. His father calls him about 3 days ago and starts to question him about his intentions in regards to work- the season will begin in a few weeks. My ABF told his father that he would love to come back to work for him (he is the only child and will inherit the business which he has helped run since around 16). His father began to go on a tangent that he needs to move closer to home etc./ My ABF said that he doesn't want to move back here because this is where he did his using- he said it is easier to be clean where he is without everything in his face everyday all day and night long... i agree. Then he told his father that he also needs to have the authority to change the crew who works for him. There are a few guys who use and have major drug problems on his crew who he has to work with everyday- the primary being his 1st cousin who shares some of the the responsibility of the company. His father said that his cousin stayed and worked while my ABF took off work and went to rehab (which he thinks is a joke) so he will not fire him since he stuck around drug problem or not and finnished the season. Basically they were both on deaths door- and his cousin still is!! Now my ABF is a complete mess because he knows he must choose to leave his fathers/ family business. He has talked to me and his sponsor along with some of his NA friends about this and they all say the same- you have to choose what is right for you and your recovery regardless of what is going to make your family happy. The problem is he knows but it isn't making anything easier. He is destroyed/ even more than usual- his father will probably not speak to him at all- they barely speak now... which is terrible because his father is the only parent he has... his mother died when he was 15 months old suddenly of lockjaw. It is tearing him apart... i can see what he is thinking- he feels he will lose his father unless he works for him... but he also knows that if he does work for him he will begin using again and lose himself and all that he has accomplished. I'm trying to be there for him and support him... I just don't know what to say. I know i can't fix things for him and that it is not my job to do so- but i can't help wanting to go off on his dad- need some feedback. thanks dane