Gooch

Sorry for the long read ... I've learned not to duck out and ignore the nudge when it sticks around for days.



My feelings toward holidays have changed.

Somewhere along the lines while I was growing from a toddler into an adolescent, ( and probably the first time the condition we call addiction manifested in me), holidays came to be all about me.

They were special days that I so looked forward to for the magic that would cheer me up or make me happy. Where was I going? What would we do? what would we eat? and the big question .. what was I going to get?

As each holiday passed, and my disease progressed, I became more disenchanted and felt as if my expectations had become less fulfilled.

I believe this progression had begun well before I ever touched a drug.

When I first got clean I went crazy trying to live some fantasy of what I believed to be a perfect life and even though I was no longer using, my expectations were still increasing. Something was different though. For the first time in years I would come away with little glimpses of small gestures and events of special significance, that embedded thenselves into my spirit and made it all so much more bearable.

After 15 Christmases free from getting and using drugs, holidays have sure changed for me.


The decorating, cooking, shopping, wrapping, and traveling didn't happen this year. For various reasons I didn''t have the time, money,or energy to participate in what seems (to me) a hypocritical commercial extravaganza.

I certainly am not suggesting that I have a scroogelike attitude, or that you should stop decorating, or cooking all those wonderful meals or delicious cookies and fudge to share with your loved ones.

I enjoyed the beautiful lights on my commute to and from work each day, although I think 10 or 12 of those gigantic inflatable decorations in a mobile home park sized lot might be a tad garish.

I honestly do get excited about the holiday and look forward to the giving spirit. I did buy a few presents.

My most difficult moment came last thursday night on the way home from work after a 12 hr day, while I was trying to find a small plush butterfly for my ladyfriends 6 month old grandaughter. I had seen it the week before and went back to the same store but they were all out. So I trudged on to one of the nations most dependable department stores through the mob of last minute shoppers, kids tossing balls and riding skateboards through the aisles only to find they didn't have one either.

I left the store exhausted, overwhelmed by the crowds, lights, noise and hubbub, and gave up. On the way home I felt the surrender served up with desperation, and the sense of letting go, that although I wasn't pleased with the way things were going, I really had made the best effort I could and things would somehow turn out allright. I prayed for the acceptance and serenity, and the strength and courage to remain humble. I absolutely didn;t want to taste any of my old spite and hatred born from fear of not being good enough or feeling a failure to take hold of me.

I'm blessed to have an incredible connection with a God of my understanding that relieves my suffering as soon as I ask, without so much as a "what took you so long to ask?" ass chewing.

I hadn't finished my prayer as I heard the first few chords and I hit the volume on the radio.



I had to share this with my family of kindred spirits .. whether you still fight the material manifestation of bondage to substance, or whether addiction is a full scale battle in your mind and heart, or whether for this momet the gratitude and serenity you hold has allowed you a vantage point of serenity. The deal we cut with the soul stealer to get another hit is null and void. We allready paid the price, and our contract has been renegotiated. We only have to believe and plod along with the rest of the army and "give and take the best that we can".

( Incidentally 12/21 marks the anniversary of my Dad's passing, although I didn't realize it last thursday I'm sure my spirit was remembering.)

I trust that this message finds the recipient who needs to hear it.

Dan

And I'm sure that day, your pater was smiling on his boy, and his incredible journey back to life over the last fifteen years, and his gift for sharing the joy he finds in continuing to break the chains.
Thanks for the lighthouse beacon that seemingly never extinguishes itself, Gooch.

namommy

Thanks Gooch,
This has been an incredibly hard holiday season for us. I read those lyrics with tears in my eyes because they are so true and beautiful.