Luckyv2

Just For Today my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs

Just For Today I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.

Just For Today I will have a program. I will try to follow it to the best of my ability

Just For Today through NA I will try to get a better perspective on my life

Just For Today I will be unafraid, my thoughts will be on my new associations, people who are not using and who have found a new way of life. So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.

Case in point I have not been living the NA way of life, yes I have been working the steps, reading the literature, going to meetings, prayer, meditation, everything that it has to offer but when it comes to living it that is where I have not been.

That is one of the Just for Today's is to have faith in someone who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery. Thank you for saying that you have faith in me because sometimes when we don't have faith it helps when someone actually shows that they do to help them get to the next stepping stone. BTW the color thing I did just to show you I care about who you are!

Sometimes after having that pen to paper for weeks on the fourth step and looking into the past as what it was you don't feel so special. But when I saw that it made me feel special so thank you for that.


Well Peter it is really hard sometimes for me to identify how I am feeling but in the end I usually end up with self pity. I found out that I have Hep C OMG now I am taking treatment for it which is causing a lot of irritability, discontent, insomnia, shakes, headaches, depression, blah blah blah...I just don't know where to turn to talk about things anymore besides my sponsor and sometimes I think he fears to answer the phone. So I start to isolate and from what I have heard when you take this treatment for this hep that this is the last thing that you should do.

I feel useless, I feel as if I am no good to anyone the way that I am right now. I feel as if I really have no reason to even be alive, it is only through Grace and Mercy and a hell of a lot of it that I am even here today. I don't know how to live life without using and I didn't know how to live a life using. I am here to play a role in life that I have no idea how to play. I am trying to learn and yet I feel as if it is a loosing battle.

I have two crushed disks in my back I WON'T take pain med because I believe that I can live life without the use of drugs. When they say mind or mood altering to me that means just that. Maybe I am too religious (figure of speech here) when it comes to my NA Way but that is just me. When I took my first treatment for the hep the pain was so damn bad that I went to Wal-Mart and bought Tylenol and now I am beating myself up for that. I am taking it as directed but see it is changing the way that I feel it is taking the pain away.

So now I feel as if I am a looser again, that I can not live without the use of drugs. So why keep fighting the battle? Because a few people have faith in me I don't want to list names because then I will miss someone and you know how sensitive we are. Everyone here at SR has helped me in one way or another.

Love Vic
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Dan

Vic, they tell us that we were people who didn't know how to live life on life's terms.
I can relate to that, and I'm pretty sure you can too.
Then, they tell us that we have found a way to live happy, joyous and free.
Same deal, bro. I get that, and I know you do to.

They don't tell us that we have to live in overwhelming bodily pain.
They don't tell us that we have to live in mental anguish and depression.
They don't tell us that being clean and sober means refusing medication when it is advisable to take it.
Meds, of many kinds, are part of a healthy life in recovery for a lot of us.

So we replace our need to find, get and use more with our programs.
And in the program, we learn honesty and compassion for our brothers and sisters.
But hey, what about compassion for ourselves?

Man, I swear, if I had a couple of crushed discs, I wouldn't be thinking twice about popping a few Tylenol from Wal-Mart. Remember now, in another time and place, I would have been popping percocets or T3's like candy, or medicating with ethyl alcohol.

Recovery does not mean we accept agony.
It comes down to your motives again.

Luckyv2

Well I might be way off base here but I am trying to allow my HP to take care of most of this pain and of course the depression. Trying to let the program work in me and through me. I know what your saying Dan but it is hard for me to really decipher my motives and I really need to listen and check them out to see what is going on. I know this is a process I just wish it would move a little faster LOL.

Love Vic

Phinneas

I can really relate to that. I coulda, woulda, shoulda died so many times. But my HP kept me here. Why, I don't know. But I DO know that there is a reason, a plan. Maybe it's not for me to know they whys and hows and wheres and whens. But it IS for me to do the next right thing and keep walking the path laid out before me. Just like you. Except it is NOT a losing battle. It's a winning battle - the proof is in our sobriety. Every day clean and sober is a miracle.

Prayers surrounding you with your treatment for Hep C, Vic. And please do take the Tylenol and meds that are given. It's the mood altering substances we need to stay away from, not the ones to help and heal like Tylenol and Ibuprophen.

Time2Surrender

Vic, you are right where you need to be. Probably didnt wanna hear that. Recovery does not happen over night. It takes time and a lotta hard work. You mentioned treatment for Hep C? Are you doing Interferon? If so, no wonder you feel so down. I did the Interferon thing myself about 4 years ago. It was very hard on me. Go see your Doctor ASAP. Most people doing Interferon need Anti-depressants. And please dont take this as medical advice. Im just a painter.

Gooch

huh?

dude ... give yourself a break.

"and in time you will come to an understanding of the program for yourself"

Whose stick are you using to measure your progress...

better give it back to them and use yours bro.

Time takes time. doesn't matter if you use a brush or spray gun to paint a house... the paint still has to dry in it's own time.

Luckyv2

Yes I suppose that I have been loosing the sight that I am clean and sober and I shouldn't even be clean and sober so that in itself is proof huh..Thanks Phinny I needed to hear that.


Yeah I took my first shot of it Thursday as you could probably tell by my isolation and reaction but there is no excuse for that either and I am on the highest dosage allowed I take a shot a week and then 6 pills a day. It really makes you think crazy sh!t also. I am feeling better today but I dread my next shot now.

I think that I am measuring it with my own ideal of what I should be like and stuff Gooch I have always had this ideal of who I should be and I have never lived up to that. I think I better re think on that one huh?

Ok I just need to keep going just wanted to thank you all for you comments I am on the Fear part of the 4th step in the NA Step Study Guide now 30 pages later and I have a headache but I am going to keep pushing it I would like to have this done before the new year.

Love Vic

susane1408

Hi Vic my *Mad Mail Mate*

It's good to know that you miss me (but not the *mail lol)
I don't come in the NA forum very often as my mans doc is alcohol but I can still find inspiration here.
I read the post you deleted, thats a tough break my friend.
I've watched you grow over the last few months, you maybe can't see it as much as we can but it's been a privilege to watch.
I know with your HP's help you will stay strong through this but take time to give yourself some TLC Ok?

Cindi R

Vic...Tylenol is metabolized by your liver. Just because it's an over the counter med does not mean that it's safe for you to be taking, especially with Hepatitis which also has affected your liver...
Talk to your Doctor about pain management. If you're taking meds "as directed" while you're going through this it's not a relapse, dude!
I've known several people in the program who have successfully beat this thing...
Hang in there. Keep on working your program...
Keep going to meetings and talking to people and keep posting!

Luckyv2

Thanks Susan that means a lot to me and your right I don't really see a whole lot of change on my own end. BTW when are you going to come back to the bus?

Well that is what the nurse told me to take she said that anything as far as pain meds all have the one ingredient which isn't good but we are not fighting that so I don't know. But I don't take any other meds except for my breather and I usually don't take any Tylenol or anything but the pain has been wicked.

Again thanks for being here.

Love Vic

Done_With_It

Before I even read what you wrote I noticed a smile on my face but didn't realize why till I read it. It was the colors! Man I am easily amused aren't I!
I just love the colors.

Your the best. That's all their is to it. I had faith because I knew you would get through this and you did.
ha ha ha, No pun intended. lol