poozy

Hi, this is my first post and let me first state that I am a partner of someone who has a long-term PTSD and am asking for any advice anyone may have for this scenario - would be much appreciated I will warn those reading this story it does contain some disturbing material.

My partner (I'll call him Mike for the sake of this story), who is 32, was very close to his adoptive father growing up in a small farming community. Mike was very well known around the area for being the son of the father who everybody loved. As Mike grew older he summoned enough courage to tell his father he was gay. The news unsettled the father, who became somewhat distant, but yet continued the fatherly role as he saw fit regardless of the development of his son. Mike was content with this situation for the time being.
Some time passed and Mike (aged around 18) became quite well known in the townships for being openly gay. He had a close female friend who had arranged to go with him to a party. As the night was drawing to a close, the female friend led Mike down to a darkly lit area of the town and told him to wait there. Shortly after she left, Mike was gang-raped by 5 or 6 men who, it turned out later via a few sources, had staged this event as a form of 'punishment' for him being gay and ruining their friendship.
Too afraid to tell anyone, Mike eventually told his parents who wished to keep things quiet. Mike remembers from this point that his father did not act quite the same again. His father began taking anti-depressants (which have subsequently been removed from sale due to dangerous side-effects) and continued to act irrational.
One day the father had a minor disagreement with the mother and went out to the barn to cool off. Mike had seen him wander into the barn from a distance and proceeded to meet him to see what was up. Mike walked into the barn and, as he did, his father had pulled the trigger on a gun that was aimed on his own head. Mike was hospitalised for a long period as the shock of the situation had paralysed his legs and other parts of his body.
After being treated by numerous psychologists and psychiatrists, Mike's life had stabilised to an extent that he could work again and lead somewhat of a functional life.
In addition, roughly 4 years ago now, Mike was diagnosed with Emphysema. He was told that he was born with under-developed lungs from being birthed prematurely and he condition was terminal. According to the doctor that diagnosed him he should have been dead over a year ago now and today Mike is still not on an oxygen tank yet.
Today, Mike takes anti-depressants to cope with the ongoing depression and medication to counter-act the severity of the emphysema. He continues to smoke, but has reduced his intake, which sometimes calms the depression but worsens the emphysema. When he has attempted to cease the smoking, his depression becomes unstable. He has attempted to take his life a few times in the past, but it has been a while since the last one (about 2 years). He has been able to recognise the points at which he is low, but is developing a worrysome habit of drinking to counteract the effects. It is worse when noone is available to talk to him which makes him feel isolated. I work fulltime and he has not worked since 2002, collecting a pension, but he is looking into getting some part-time work, largely for the social needs. Mike has also resigned himself to the fact that noone can help him and/or can't be bothered with doing it because he is going to die anyway via the emphysema.
In my role I give him enough support as possible. He often comments that if everyone around him is happy then he will be happy, but on a day like today for example when I have had a bad day at work, I can only give so much.
My overall question to the people here on the forum is how do you best support someone who has a PTSD (and dealt with some but not all of it over a period of 15 years) and yet has a terminal illness at the same time?

Wolfstarr

poozy,

Mike and you are in my prayers. Welcome to SR, and to this forum. Many of us are suffering fiom PTSD in various degrees for various reasons. It is so difficult for a partner to watch a loved one suffer from this disorder and try to offer help and support and sometimes we just don't know what to do.
Please read the stickies in this forum. They can give you valuable information.

Is Mike receiving counseling? My heart goes out to him and to you.
In my opinion, give Mike as much support and a listening ear you can give. You also have to remember to care for yourself and not get "lost" in your partner's trauma. He has to realize that you have your life to live and you also have bad and good days.

Trying to squelch the pain of PTSD is a herculean effort. It abates, but seems to return and sometimes with a vengeance.
Do the best you can poozy. You can only give so much, then you have to care for yourself. Mike has to deal with his own denizens of PTSD and you can be there to listen.

Again, welcome to SR. You will find compassionate, understanding people and we are here to support and listen to you as well. Please, come back and let us know how everything is going for you and Mike.

Thinking of and sending healing thoughts,

DesertEyes

Hello poozy, and welcome to the forum.

I am sorry to hear of the hardships your partner has experienced. I can't even imagine how difficult this must be for your. I am not a therapist or any sort of professional, so I cannot give you any advice. I can only share with you what I have experienced in my life and what I have done to deal with it.

My PTSD was caused by an abusive childhood, including torture and repeated rapes. Although my background is very different from your partners the symptoms of PTSD are almost identical for all people who experience it. I also have a terminal disease, although mine involves heart and pancreas as well as the lung. My condition is not too advanced yet, and I'm still able to work on a limited basis.

What I need in a partner is someone who has an extensive support system of their own. Due to my physical condition my emotions tend to swing from time to time. A partner who is trying to be all things for me (aka, playing the "superman" role ) is eventually going to run out of their own serenity. I don't know what support groups are available in your part of the world. My first suggestion would be to contact your partners medical specialist and see if the local hospital has groups for partners of people with terminal diseases. If my partner is taking 100% care of his/her own needs, then _I_ don't have to worry or stress about them. In turn, that means a partner who _knows_ their own needs and is willing to do whatever is necessary to maintain their own emotional health.

Whadya think?

Mike :-)

poozy

Thanks to both of you for your words of encouragement. It has been a very interesting time over the last 3 and a half years, since I met Mike, to say the least. I was told pretty much from day 1 that he had Emphysema, but knowing the theory and actually experiencing it can sometimes be worlds apart from a partner's initial notion. I try and be as realistic as possible and yet as optimistic too. I have encouraged him to take ownership of how he is feeling and to gauge when he may be about to have a meltdown, and then what action to take. He tends to mask much of what he is feeling due to a sense of pride and also wanting to not represent himself as being sick all the time, but over time I have been able to spot the signs when something is up - for friends of his it is much more difficult. Up until about 6-8 months ago he was running short courses for terminally ill patients at the local hospital for maintaining their health and self-management. Unfortunately his funding was cut and hasn't been offered anything since which has also left him slightly upset, hence why now he is trying to look for some casual work to keep him occupied, which can only be a good thing.
He is also one of those people that if you tell him to do something he will do the complete opposite - in the early days I got frustrated with him still smoking, but when I backed off and just left the decision to him, he phoned the Smokers helpline and began to start quitting because HE felt like he needed to. He has taken it back up again, but has severely reduced the amount he used to smoke.
We also recently took a trip back to his home town and revisited the key places that attributed to his PTSD. I know that underneath his exterior he is constantly processing those events and all the events in the past to try and make sense of it. We have a good friend that he sometimes confides in/uses as a sounding board, who has experienced his own form of childhood trauma and Mike has progressed quite a distance since I have known him simply by talking about what is going on inside him to a 3rd party. Sometimes Mike has said to me that he doesn't tell me a lot of what is going on to prevent me getting upset. I also know that when he is in a downward spiral he tells me that I should live my own life and forget about him etc etc. During these times (depending on what I am currently feeling) I will listen and just give him as much emotional support as possible. His greatest fear is that I will leave him, but I have no intention of such and I have let him know this on many an occasion.
Overall, I have accepted to expect not a whole deal from Mike in the emotional support department - my only concern is that he is content and has a sense of control over his life. Of course it isn't going to be magically fixed in any way, shape, or form, but anything I can do to make his remaining time more enjoyable will make me very content also.

dizzyj

Poozy, is being an alcoholic the same as having terminal illness. I also have PTSD - Iam above all an alcoholic - I am also Bipolar

I think th.......I have alot of......

I think its okay, Do your own thing

shutterbug

I don't know?
But it sounds like he needs to get his head meds adjusted. Is he seeing a psychiatrist and/or therapist?

I can relate to some of it, but not to the same degree. And I'm an asthmatic smoker with emphazima at age 29. I'm oftne suicidal as of late and I'm still in a major depressive episode (2nd of my life).

His life isn't hopeless....that's the depression talking and it can be helped.

Has he ever thought about ECT to help with the depression?

shutterbug

Oh....also....seems like he is self-medicating with the alcohol - another reason why I suspect his meds need to be adjusted by a p-doc.

poozy

Just for curiosity what is ECT? Since his episode last week he has ceased drinking the alcohol for now (although he says for good, but we all do that at some stage). The alcohol is definately a free ticket for his depression to come out. He began thinking that the alcohol would relax him a bit, but once the bottle was empty the depression took over in full force. I was unfortunately at work at the time and was unaware about what was going on until a friend gave me a call.
I think as far as the meds go he is ok, as he knows that if the dosage is too high he would be off on another planet, so to speak. When he is focussed and thinking clearly he is quite lucid and in control of what he is doing but, of course, when he does head down to that dark place he is much more unclear about what he is doing. After he had sobered up he knew he had done the wrong thing (drinking with the medication) and was determined to not do it again. And as of now he has stuck to that, but I just encourage him to talk to me about stuff if he needs to and also recognise the other avenues of support too.
By thinking about what everyone has said here and seeing it for myself I think I know that the depression is really the main problem overall and it is going to have to be a monitored process that is going to sometimes creep up again from time to time. I am motivating him as much as possible to seek assistance if he feels he needs it, but without nagging too much. The dark moments aside, he is really determined to fight his emphysema and maintain his sense of self via combating the depression too.

shutterbug

ECT = electro shock therapy.
It's not some grusome thing like the movies portray fromt he old days.
I would do it in a second if I could afford it.
It really helps a lot of people be free from their depression when meds don't seem to help much.

but it sounds to me like you are saying he is pretty stable unless drinking is that right?

Is he drinking to escape from the depression though?

If so then this is a scary path to walk down and if so then that tells me his meds AREN'T right. Often times the "right" mix of meds will work for a while and then start going "flat." And another med combo must be tried.

Number one in my book is he needs to go see his psychiatrist and tell them everything that's going on.