namommy

OK, many of you may remember the "13th steppin' stalker" from a few weeks back.

Well, last night he was at my homegroup again. This time, he went on a 25 minute, stomach turning, glorifying, drug-a-log.

He had many newcomers squirming in their seats, people with time figeting and hiding behind pamphlets, and many others rolling their eyes and wondering what to do.

Some of us started out trying to quietly get his attention, then pointing to our watches, then rapidly slashing our fingers across our throats to signal for him to cut it off.


Finally we just had to get rude and tell him to stop and he REFUSED!! He looked at us, paused and very indignantly continued to describe using in graphic detail.

What do you do about something like this? We tried everything we could, short of throwing him out of the meeting.

Some of my husbands sponsees from the 1/2 way house were at the meeting. Not long after I got home the phone started ringing off the hook. They all wanted to talk to him about it.

I can't believe this guy. Recently he had the police called on him for lurking outside one of the female recovery houses and refusing to leave. Can't we make a rule to not accept trolls? (just kidding)

historyteach

WOW!!!
Laurie, that's really unbelievable!!!
Can't you folks take a group conscious about this guy's *behavior?*
(as opposed to him, a recovering addict)
I'm sure glad I don't have to deal with him; cuz, I'd probably be like you!
(and that's a compliment! You stand up for what you believe in! )
Good luck on this one. I can't offer any other suggestions...

Shalom!

Peter

At the start of our meetings we usually read a quick reminder: cell phones, ash trays, etc atc....and in it we ask each member to limit their sharing to five minutes ( out of consideration for others who might want to share) Most people try to oblige but some get carried away......however an interjection from the chairperson with a reminder about the 5 min, suggestion is usually a polite way of getting them to wrap up early.

We did have one instance of a drug o log sharer who repeatedly ignored the reminders Not only that but sometimes he did it while on a high so one night half of the room got up and went and had a meeting in the parking lot.

Some objected that it was harsh but he seemed to have got the message because he never did it again......

namommy

I'm actually really proud of myself. I really just want to punch his lights out, but I've been able to just take a deep breath and walk away.

It's tough when alot of the newcomers automatically look at me when something like this happens. I feel obligated to be the one to step up to him. Then, I just get so fired up it takes everything I have in me not to hit him.

Oh, yeah, at the end of the meeting, he made a bee-line for the only woman who introduced herself as new to the program. I grabbed a couple of guys from my home group, they headed him off, and I intercepted her. Team worked to save a newcomer. Oh boy!

godsonmyside

If the guy is just talking about getting loaded and has no intentions of talking about a solution, I would and have in the past shut him down. I wasn't real popular for that, but have done it. When I lived in the 1/2Way house years ago I did it and got into a fist fight over it after the meeting.

The Group however should have the 5 minute deal and the chair should be able to hold the atmosphere of recover, as well and suported by the home group members.

It is the Groups responsability to remain an atmosphere of recovery. The chair maintains that atmosphere. IP #2 The Group explains some of that, maybe at the next Group conscience you group read that? Or just smack the guy up and the whole group can teach this guy a lesson?

Peace,
Todd J.

Sugah

I take meetings into the local jails. Granted, most of these women have had little or no exposure to a recovery atmosphere, so they wouldn't understand why some things are acceptable and some are just not condusive to recovery.

I had one girl who wanted to describe in detail her dope shooting, point to all the areas of her body where she'd done it, and then describe the high, along with how much she missed it, in detail. I let her know that if she was there only for an hour out of her cell, if she didn't desire recovery, her seat was not wasted, and would she please refrain from sharing her drug stories so that the rest of us could talk about recovery. I then let them all know that the symptoms of our disease (stories of using) should be shared only as they relate to our desire to be clean. I don't know if I was right or wrong, but the girl stayed and listened.

Sounds like your guy has some pretty twisted character defects at work (I'm not shy about taking his inventory based on what you said). If he claims to be clean, fine, but recovering? Are there two or more guys willing to take this guy aside and tell him how damaging he is being to the chances of newcomers finding recovery, and if he persists, he will be asked to leave the meeting? If I remember right, this guy has a little time chemically clean, or claims to. You're not dealing with a newcomer who doesn't know better, and though someone using, if professing a desire to stop using, isn't a disruption in a meeting and should be welcomed, someone purposely sabotaging another's recovery is, and, in my own humble or not so humble opinion, you'd be within the traditions to ask him to leave.

In another life, I'd just lend you my cousin Vinnie to take care of the guy. Alas, we don't live like that anymore - but it sounds like this guy does.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Paulie

Yeah a few years back we had a guy like that. My H was the secretary of the meeting and after about 10 minutes of it, is great detail, my H got up and took him by the arm outside the door and explained what he was doing. The guy went off, all the way out to his car screaming and yelling at my H, the rest of the meeting just continued. The next week the guy came back with 3 other guys with him, stood at the door and stared at my H, the other men in the meeting just stared back.

It happens everywhere, I dont think there is anything wrong with stopping them.

REZ

There is nothing wrong in telling him to be quiet. The unity/welfare of the group comes first. I would never let anyone go on for 25 minutes, let alone a 25 minute drug story.

Luckyv2

I think that this is where the chair person who ever that is need to step up to the plate. I know that even in early recovery (which I am still in) that if someone starts to take more than 5 mins or so I ask them if they could wrap it up to allow others to talk. Is it rude I don't know I once heard that if you can not get a point across within a 5 min period then you probably just like to listen to yourself talk. LOL I just keep my mouth shut.

Love Vic

Blake

A dude used to share about all his dope stories in our meetings regularly....I used to get pissed, then I would share after him and read from "what is narcotics anonymous" -My name is Blake and I'm an addict, "We don't care what or how much you used, who your connections were, what you have done in the past, how much or how little you have, but only in what you want to do about your problem and how we can help" Thanks for letting me share.

I kept doing this right after he would share for like a week....now he doesn't share like that anymore.

Time4Change

THAT ..... is frickin' genius! I'll be stealing that trick myself, Blake. Thanks!

I just got frustrated about this last Saturday at my women's meeting. Since I hit my six-month mark, I was asked to be the speaker. I felt really good getting my story out to the women whom I've been attending meetings with for quite a few months. They got to know me on a more personal level, I feel, and I was so excited about that. After a quick break, I was asked to pick a topic. I said, "What was your rock-bottom, eye-opening moment that brought you to NA". The women nodded and smiled, and I was eager to hear the others share (about 10 women). Instead, our old group secretary (who had been dismissed as secretary a few weeks prior because she would take advantage of her position as secretary and dominate the entire meeting, practically, with her same ole story) started to share at length about a topic we'd heard ad nauseum, to which we had offered suggestions after other meetings, etc., but she went on and on and on, and it seemed obvious to me that the entire group had started to drift off, lose interest, fidget, and become annoyed. Wouldn't you know it, she took an entire 20 minutes, the rest of our meeting, with blah, blah, blahs. Inside, I was really upset and hurt. I so wanted to hear the other women share. I kept this to myself, though. During the burning desire part of the closing, one woman stepped up and said, "Since the meeting is almost over and we have no time, I just wanted to thank (me) for her share, and ...." and she spoke a quick minute or so, and then we closed the meeting. I was SO very grateful for her coming through for me. It meant a lot. The gal who shared for 20 minutes just kinda' laughed. I know she knows what she's doing. She's been told of it before during a business meeting.

I don't know what the solution is with these people, but I just wanted to vent my personal experience with this. It's incredibly frustrating, and it scares me that it might turn away a newcomer. I do wish the meeting secretaries would step in more often. But I know it must be really difficult to do.

Thanks for listening. And I hope that guy gets a clue soon, namommy! Good luck!

namommy

This guy is a tough one. The people in the meeting, new and old, tend to look at me to solve these situations. Only because they know I have no problem opening my mouth. I tried to stop him, which then let the chair person (a newcomer who was chairing for her 1st time) know that it was OK, and then she tried to stop him, another male from the homegroup tried, and this dude just paused for about a second, looked at us, and started right back up.

I didn't want to let this turn into a big scene. first of all, we just started using this facility last month. The first 2 weeks didn't go to well, and I don't want to tarnish NA. Second, the boy scouts were selling christmas trees in the lot right outside the door. I didn't want to send him screaming and cursing past the boys.

Do you think it is OK to tell him to leave the meeting? I've never done that before. I don't know if I am comfortable with that. As obnoxious as he is, he is definitely an addict and has the right to recover whether I personally like him or not. I just don't want him pushing newer members out the door.

Gooch

lol .. I can relate Blake.. I think that may be how they got the point across to me when I was still on spin dry. Used to baffle me that I would try and share experience, strength, and hope, and wind up sounding to me anyway like I was babbling. It eventually dawned on me that we can only share what we have and it's only natural that a newcomer share theior experience using because that was all we had when we got here, ( hopefully along with desire and some hope)

we had a dude around these parts that seemed to be a stalker, couldn't seem to shape him up no matter who tried. When he continually shared from AA literature at an nA meeting, people would buy him a Basic Text and ask him to read it. Some chair people shut hom down, and other members redressed him, both in public amd private, politely and not so politely.

He's not a problem anymore .. he passed early in the fall.

I can relate to your frustration Laurie, and bless you for keeping your temper in check.

When I used to call my sponsor and bitchstream at him about all those mf'rs that drove me off the hook, he'd consistently remind me to practice spiritual principles. And every so often I would blast back with Frak that! How come I have to practice them, I'm tired of practicing spiritual principles.... How come they don't practice some. His stop me dead in my rant reply was always "Because you have some to practice and they may not even have a glimpse." ... Looking back I know there were times I was disgusted by this messy man who seemed to not have a clue. And God must have been knocking me upside the head because after a while I began to focus on those couple few little genuinely gracious things that the man did do. It made all the difference in the world for my level of acceptance.

I tell myself..... It takes all kinds.... and NA's got them.... heck they even got one or two of me in here.,

(((((((Family)))))))

Paulie

You are absolutely right. We told him to leave cause he was higher than a kite, there is a difference. I think the guys in the group need to ask him to coffee and have a talk with him.

Sugah

First tradition: Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon NA unity.

If the group - and the newcomers who keep the group going - aren't protected, then he has no place for his personal recovery. To tolerate counter-recovery behavior from one individual is, to me, damaging to the group as a whole.

Just a thought.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Luckyv2

Thanks for not leaving me out Gooch