Well now it is over....guaranteed!!!!
I WILL SURVIVE IT ALL
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: anywhere,usa
Posts: 15
Well now it is over....guaranteed!!!!
Well my wife and i were going to try and work things out, then i messed up and drank!!!! I didnt use drugs, thank god....but before i messed up i went and got nosey and hired a private investigator. I havent trusted her since she cheated on me and i would always catch her lying. So, like a dumbass now i know all the stuff i only speculated on. I guess in a way it is a good thing that i did. I would not have stayed with her anyways, but now i know the truth and it sure does hurt. Thinking stuff is going on behind your back and knowing it are completely separate things. Anyways i am going to meetings again and i am pulling it together slowly. I am moving to los angeles to get away from this big empty house and all it's pain and misery this relationship, and my drug use has caused. I know that wherever i go, i will take myself along and i am starting to think about my new sober adventure........
Was i stupid in hiring the private dick to do my snooping for me??????? Or was it just my addiction and mistrust??
Was i stupid in hiring the private dick to do my snooping for me??????? Or was it just my addiction and mistrust??
Vision of Hope
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Living on This side of the green!!
Posts: 1,057
Thinking stuff is going on behind your back and knowing it are completely separate things.
Go to meetings and keep talking about it, we get through these things.
Peace,
Todd J.
I WILL SURVIVE IT ALL
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: anywhere,usa
Posts: 15
Thanks.....
Thanks for the words,,i guess i am just feeling sorry for myself, I just wonder why she doesnt have the will to fight with me,,,I am going to Meetings, I am going to get a sponsor tomorrow, even though i am moving to los angeles in a couple weeks....Thanks for reminding me that we do get through these things....
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by onedayatatime12
I just wonder why she doesnt have the will to fight with me
May want to ask yourself why you are moving as well.
Running from problems or looking for a new start?
been there, done that
A move can be a good thing but it can also be a denial of dealing with issues.
As you said... you will be taking yourself with you.
Seems when I took myself, my problems came with me as well. I was my own problem.
As for hiring the PI and finding out the facts, as he gave them...
The beating up of self because of not knowing, hurt a lot more then finding out the truth (so I found) The truth still hurt though and it comes all at once.
Guess what? No matter how much it hurts, we do get over it and can continue to grow in our recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Chapel Hill, NC
Posts: 2,274
Why did you drink? Did you drink over your wife? You will probably drink and use drugs again unless you can learn to let go of this. I understand that this situation hurts a lot. But drinking/drugging won't make it any better. Hang in there. Go to meetings, talk with you sponsor, work the steps, etc.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: out there...
Posts: 2,653
Right now you just need to concentrate on staying straight and learning how to survive your feelings without trying to bury them with booze or dope.
Be aware ! the disease of addiction will be trying to mislead you into substituting one drug for another, and then later behaviours and attitudes to keep you in it's grips.
If you want your wife back, take care of yourself. Stay straight, work the steps, and let her do her own thing. Maybe if you get back to the business of being the man you are intended to be, she'll see that and want to work things out. And maybe when you become the person that was hidden under addiction for so long, you may find that that relationship occurred exactly the way it needed to bring you to a new circumstance.
I thought I lost my soulmate when my wife first left, problem was I barely had a soul to connect with. After I got clean I realized that I will always care for her and love her for the portion of my life she traveled with me, but that we would most likely never have been sucessful as partners.
Keep coming back. More will be revealed!
Be aware ! the disease of addiction will be trying to mislead you into substituting one drug for another, and then later behaviours and attitudes to keep you in it's grips.
If you want your wife back, take care of yourself. Stay straight, work the steps, and let her do her own thing. Maybe if you get back to the business of being the man you are intended to be, she'll see that and want to work things out. And maybe when you become the person that was hidden under addiction for so long, you may find that that relationship occurred exactly the way it needed to bring you to a new circumstance.
I thought I lost my soulmate when my wife first left, problem was I barely had a soul to connect with. After I got clean I realized that I will always care for her and love her for the portion of my life she traveled with me, but that we would most likely never have been sucessful as partners.
Keep coming back. More will be revealed!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: The Field of Dreams
Posts: 7,249
Originally Posted by best
Guess what? No matter how much it hurts, we do get over it and can continue to grow in our recovery.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 425
Onedayatatime, I can totally relate to you and your situation.
I knew for a long time that something was not right with my husband. Instead of dealing with it head on, I chose to drink more, and more. We became more and more estranged.
The last 3 years of my marriage were the worst. I finally did the unthinkable...I hired a private investigator. I was in a state of shock when I got the report that he had been cheating. I have absolutely no regrets about hiring the P.I. I asked him for a long time if he was cheating, just kept lying to me and pulling away etc.
After I got the report, he still continued to deny it. Two months after he left our house and kids (at my request) he finally came crying back telling me that he was sorry blah blah blah. He also blamed his cheating on my drinking. I quit drinking, and tried my hardest to work on our marriage with 4 kids.
Guess what. He cheated again! After a year and a half of me being sober and trying to be the best wife I could be. That was it for me. I left with the kids. I don't regret taking him back, as I now have a clean conscience that I did my best. That was 7 years ago this month.
I never went back to alcohol, but neither did I work a program or go to meetings. Two years after leaving him I got into a relationship with another man who cheated, and that's when I picked up drugs. To make a long story shorter, we need to work on ourselves, our sobriety, our recovery and a program to a) make better choices in mates, and b) be able to deal with issues and emotions.
Trust me when I say that you can take a shuttle to the moon, but your issues and problems will surface again in another relationship if you don't get the help you need now and in the future.
I am coming up on 16 months clean now, and looking back now, I wonder what I ever saw in them. Was my self esteem so low? I'm not in a relationship now with any one but myself. I'm doing what I need for me now, and it's been a long time coming.
All the best to you, I know how much it hurts.
Big NA hugs,
Diana
I knew for a long time that something was not right with my husband. Instead of dealing with it head on, I chose to drink more, and more. We became more and more estranged.
The last 3 years of my marriage were the worst. I finally did the unthinkable...I hired a private investigator. I was in a state of shock when I got the report that he had been cheating. I have absolutely no regrets about hiring the P.I. I asked him for a long time if he was cheating, just kept lying to me and pulling away etc.
After I got the report, he still continued to deny it. Two months after he left our house and kids (at my request) he finally came crying back telling me that he was sorry blah blah blah. He also blamed his cheating on my drinking. I quit drinking, and tried my hardest to work on our marriage with 4 kids.
Guess what. He cheated again! After a year and a half of me being sober and trying to be the best wife I could be. That was it for me. I left with the kids. I don't regret taking him back, as I now have a clean conscience that I did my best. That was 7 years ago this month.
I never went back to alcohol, but neither did I work a program or go to meetings. Two years after leaving him I got into a relationship with another man who cheated, and that's when I picked up drugs. To make a long story shorter, we need to work on ourselves, our sobriety, our recovery and a program to a) make better choices in mates, and b) be able to deal with issues and emotions.
Trust me when I say that you can take a shuttle to the moon, but your issues and problems will surface again in another relationship if you don't get the help you need now and in the future.
I am coming up on 16 months clean now, and looking back now, I wonder what I ever saw in them. Was my self esteem so low? I'm not in a relationship now with any one but myself. I'm doing what I need for me now, and it's been a long time coming.
All the best to you, I know how much it hurts.
Big NA hugs,
Diana
I WILL SURVIVE IT ALL
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: anywhere,usa
Posts: 15
I know the truth and it is still difficult...
Thank you all for your advice and words of experience. It is so hard living in this giant house all alone. I think that is one of the strongest reasons i am moving. This house is just to full of memories of my ex. I have made it through what i feel right now was the hardest 2 days. I am actually a little bit relieved of the stress of our relationship and the demands she put on me, or i let her put on me. I am going to a meeting at 7 tonight and i am going to ask someone there to be my sponsor, so i can get some specific direction.. I am sad and lonely inside and I feel like i will never know my daughter now. I cant even start to think about it, her growing up in someone elses home....ok,,now i am depressed,,,,,thanks again.........
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Work on your recovery.
That is the best you can do for you. It also happens to be the best you can do for your daughter. Where your daughter lays her head to sleep isn't as important as knowing she is loved. A clean, sober dad can show her that kind of love, from any place.
What will be, will be... what can be, is up to you.
Some things we can control. Sharing of our love for another is something we do, no matter what they do.
That is the best you can do for you. It also happens to be the best you can do for your daughter. Where your daughter lays her head to sleep isn't as important as knowing she is loved. A clean, sober dad can show her that kind of love, from any place.
What will be, will be... what can be, is up to you.
Some things we can control. Sharing of our love for another is something we do, no matter what they do.
Want to form an alliance? :.)
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 220
I'm going to let my dam break for a second on this, so please don't get angry with me because it's partly me venting some pent up rage I've had for a long time as well as trying to help...
If someone cheats on you, they should die.
If someone says they're sorry for cheating on you, then they should simply be miserable for the rest of they're lives.
I feel no remorse for anyone guilty of adultry, and personally I feel that hatred grow stronger the more the idea floats through society. I don't think you should feel guilty AT ALL for hiring the investigator, however, I think (if anything) you should feel guilty for not leaving her long ago! It's obvious you had the radar up about her and were picking something up on it... I feel for ya, I really do because I've been in a similar situation. Granted, I wasn't married, and granted, I was only with my lady for about a year and a half, but the feelings of dishonesty and commitment (and especially adultry) are universal; seniority set aside. I think you should be throwing yourself a party if she cheated on you because you sound like a great guy and she sounds like a worthless %$#$*!
I mean this with absolutely no offense to you sir, and I apologize if it offends anyone here.
If someone cheats on you, they should die.
If someone says they're sorry for cheating on you, then they should simply be miserable for the rest of they're lives.
I feel no remorse for anyone guilty of adultry, and personally I feel that hatred grow stronger the more the idea floats through society. I don't think you should feel guilty AT ALL for hiring the investigator, however, I think (if anything) you should feel guilty for not leaving her long ago! It's obvious you had the radar up about her and were picking something up on it... I feel for ya, I really do because I've been in a similar situation. Granted, I wasn't married, and granted, I was only with my lady for about a year and a half, but the feelings of dishonesty and commitment (and especially adultry) are universal; seniority set aside. I think you should be throwing yourself a party if she cheated on you because you sound like a great guy and she sounds like a worthless %$#$*!
I mean this with absolutely no offense to you sir, and I apologize if it offends anyone here.
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