Introduction
Recovering heroin addict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: United States
Posts: 4
Introduction
Hi everyone,
I'm Uncle Scam, I'm in my late-20's, and I'm new here. I have a strong predisposition to herion (Oxy-Contin and Dilaudid when I can't get H) and have been using on and off for over 8 years. I've been in methadone therapy for over a year now and I've been clean since I started the program. I'm not bragging; I'm here for advice and help so I want to be totally honest and to let everyone to know where I stand. I'm always happy to share experiences that may be helpful to others and to offer my support as well. It's a pleasure to meet you all and that I'm proud of anyone who has made it this far.
I'd like to start off by explaining why I'm here today. As I said, I've been in methadone therapy for a year now and, while it's kept me clean, away from people I shouldn't associate with, and has introduced me to my amazing and wonderful counselor, it hasn't been able to prepare me for the massive bout of depression that hits recovering addicts once they reach this stage.
At my clinic, I go to Methadone Anonymous groups and I also attend open groups where we share our problems and try to help each other with them. Unfortunately, I'm an open-minded, liberal sort of a guy who happens to live in the rural southeastern US and, as such, I don't have a whole lot in common with my group mates. Also, our groups are co-ed, so quite often entire groups are spent complaining about the difficulties of pregnancy and other female-specific issues. Group facilitators do their best to keep everyone on topic but are rarely successful. Thus, I walk away from groups with a clear comprehension of what to expect during each trimester, but clueless regarding what to expect when I have no friends, no motivation, no sense of accomplishment, and all the worries in the world.
And clinic management wonders why they have so many relapses!
Basically, I am here at SoberRecovery because I hope to meet other recovering heroin addicts who have gone through this or who are going through this depression phase. Of course, I'm not here just for me! If anyone ever needs to talk with someone who's been into heroin for nearly a decade, has done every drug under the sun, lived through it and has begun the recovery process, I'm more than happy to listen and share. Feel free to PM me or email me; the address in my profile is real (and created solely for this forum).
In closing, thanks for indulging me and in advance for any advice you might have. I'm here for you all if I can help so don't hesitate to write! I really look forward to chatting with you all! Take care and thanks again...
Good luck,
~US
I'm Uncle Scam, I'm in my late-20's, and I'm new here. I have a strong predisposition to herion (Oxy-Contin and Dilaudid when I can't get H) and have been using on and off for over 8 years. I've been in methadone therapy for over a year now and I've been clean since I started the program. I'm not bragging; I'm here for advice and help so I want to be totally honest and to let everyone to know where I stand. I'm always happy to share experiences that may be helpful to others and to offer my support as well. It's a pleasure to meet you all and that I'm proud of anyone who has made it this far.
I'd like to start off by explaining why I'm here today. As I said, I've been in methadone therapy for a year now and, while it's kept me clean, away from people I shouldn't associate with, and has introduced me to my amazing and wonderful counselor, it hasn't been able to prepare me for the massive bout of depression that hits recovering addicts once they reach this stage.
At my clinic, I go to Methadone Anonymous groups and I also attend open groups where we share our problems and try to help each other with them. Unfortunately, I'm an open-minded, liberal sort of a guy who happens to live in the rural southeastern US and, as such, I don't have a whole lot in common with my group mates. Also, our groups are co-ed, so quite often entire groups are spent complaining about the difficulties of pregnancy and other female-specific issues. Group facilitators do their best to keep everyone on topic but are rarely successful. Thus, I walk away from groups with a clear comprehension of what to expect during each trimester, but clueless regarding what to expect when I have no friends, no motivation, no sense of accomplishment, and all the worries in the world.
And clinic management wonders why they have so many relapses!
Basically, I am here at SoberRecovery because I hope to meet other recovering heroin addicts who have gone through this or who are going through this depression phase. Of course, I'm not here just for me! If anyone ever needs to talk with someone who's been into heroin for nearly a decade, has done every drug under the sun, lived through it and has begun the recovery process, I'm more than happy to listen and share. Feel free to PM me or email me; the address in my profile is real (and created solely for this forum).
In closing, thanks for indulging me and in advance for any advice you might have. I'm here for you all if I can help so don't hesitate to write! I really look forward to chatting with you all! Take care and thanks again...
Good luck,
~US
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
I'm assuming (correct me if I'm wrong) that Methadone Anonymous is a 12-step recovery group? Is this clinic-run, or is it an autonomous group? I do understand that a lot of NA groups have very strong group conscience opinions on methadone treatment, and I have my own as well, but I'm open-minded enough to realize I've never been on it & don't know everything.
There're a couple of people who attend local groups here who are on methadone maintenance. Sometimes, they get flack when their sharing centers around the methadone, but when it focuses instead on the steps and staying away from their DOC, the feedback is much more positive. Don't discount AA, either. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking - and though we all develop a deeper definition of sobriety, I can't imagine any that would turn you away. If it's AA as it was intended to be, they can't.
I say this, and I encourage you to consider this, because I suffered from depression for years. I took meds for the depression and still attempted suicide (coming very close to success on several occassions). Coming into recovery, I made the decision to give the steps a chance, and, surprise, surprise - my depression has not been a troublesome part of my recovery beyond the first few months. I can't remember a day that I was "down" for more than just a brief period. Nothing debilitating like it was before. My husband tells me I'm the happiest person he knows - and he doesn't live a sheltered life.
Hang in there, Sam, and keep sharing. We don't have to live that way anymore.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
There're a couple of people who attend local groups here who are on methadone maintenance. Sometimes, they get flack when their sharing centers around the methadone, but when it focuses instead on the steps and staying away from their DOC, the feedback is much more positive. Don't discount AA, either. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking - and though we all develop a deeper definition of sobriety, I can't imagine any that would turn you away. If it's AA as it was intended to be, they can't.
I say this, and I encourage you to consider this, because I suffered from depression for years. I took meds for the depression and still attempted suicide (coming very close to success on several occassions). Coming into recovery, I made the decision to give the steps a chance, and, surprise, surprise - my depression has not been a troublesome part of my recovery beyond the first few months. I can't remember a day that I was "down" for more than just a brief period. Nothing debilitating like it was before. My husband tells me I'm the happiest person he knows - and he doesn't live a sheltered life.
Hang in there, Sam, and keep sharing. We don't have to live that way anymore.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Recovering heroin addict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: United States
Posts: 4
Hiya Sugah, thanks for the quick welcome!
State law here requires that all methadone maintenance patients attend at least 2 groups or classes per month, in addition to counselling, et al. One of the two monthly groups I attend is Methadone Anonymous. MA is managed using the same guidelines and laws that AA and NA use, but the focus is understanding individual addiction and learning to live without methadone. While AA teaches us to live without alcohol, and NA teaches us to live without narcotics, MA teaches us to live without methadone while we're on methadone. It sounds self-defeating, I know, but from the research I've done it makes sense and at this moment I have faith in methadone's ability to fight fire with fire.
The MA group I attend is an official branch and it's actually moderated by my counsellor. I have a great amount of trust in her and she has always been 100% open with me. However, the MA meetings just feel empty to me. It just feels like every other participant speaks only to the moderator and that each of us is alone in the group. There's very little interaction. Honestly, I'm not sure that group sessions are the right... I guess I'd say "therapy" for me. Maybe I just haven't found the right one.
I'm sure that other groups in other towns may be better or different but I don't have a vehicle so that option is out. Finally, there's one key issue in all the Anonymous groups that prevents me from believeing in it's ability to work for me: religion. I've tried to look at the "greater power" concept from as many angles as I can but I just do not believe that there is any sort of power greater than ourselves. That's a deeply ingrained belief and not one that I can easily set aside for any reason.
After re-reading all this, I realize that I'm really making it extremely difficult for anyone to offer me advice once I've pre-removed all the possibilities... heh! I really don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going right now so I guess the best thing to do is keep an open mind and hold out for the best.
Thanks again for taking an interest and for welcoming me!
~US
PS - I have a habit of over-writing so feel free to skim and skip over the pointless bits. heh...
State law here requires that all methadone maintenance patients attend at least 2 groups or classes per month, in addition to counselling, et al. One of the two monthly groups I attend is Methadone Anonymous. MA is managed using the same guidelines and laws that AA and NA use, but the focus is understanding individual addiction and learning to live without methadone. While AA teaches us to live without alcohol, and NA teaches us to live without narcotics, MA teaches us to live without methadone while we're on methadone. It sounds self-defeating, I know, but from the research I've done it makes sense and at this moment I have faith in methadone's ability to fight fire with fire.
The MA group I attend is an official branch and it's actually moderated by my counsellor. I have a great amount of trust in her and she has always been 100% open with me. However, the MA meetings just feel empty to me. It just feels like every other participant speaks only to the moderator and that each of us is alone in the group. There's very little interaction. Honestly, I'm not sure that group sessions are the right... I guess I'd say "therapy" for me. Maybe I just haven't found the right one.
I'm sure that other groups in other towns may be better or different but I don't have a vehicle so that option is out. Finally, there's one key issue in all the Anonymous groups that prevents me from believeing in it's ability to work for me: religion. I've tried to look at the "greater power" concept from as many angles as I can but I just do not believe that there is any sort of power greater than ourselves. That's a deeply ingrained belief and not one that I can easily set aside for any reason.
After re-reading all this, I realize that I'm really making it extremely difficult for anyone to offer me advice once I've pre-removed all the possibilities... heh! I really don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going right now so I guess the best thing to do is keep an open mind and hold out for the best.
Thanks again for taking an interest and for welcoming me!
~US
PS - I have a habit of over-writing so feel free to skim and skip over the pointless bits. heh...
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
Misread your handle...UncleScam, not Sam... sorry 
Anyway.... your reply raised a couple of issues. That the participants in your group are aiming their sharing towards the counselor raises another question: has she recovered from addiction using methadone maintenance, and is she now living without methadone maintenance? If not...then that's were AA & NA may be of benefit to you. It's alcoholics & addicts helping each other to stay clean and sober... the ones having recovered helping the ones recovering, the ones recovering helping those with more time keep from going back out.
Regarding the issue of a higher power... if it helps, my husband was a confirmed atheist coming into recovery. I would not nor do I have anything to do now with any kind of organized religion. If that was a prerequisite, I would not have been able to get clean using the program. I do have a deep sense of spirituality, as does my husband now... many, many people that I know have used the program as something greater than their own efforts alone, and that's perfectly acceptable. An open mind that others do use organized religion and a concept of a deity or energy as God helps a lot... how can we learn from folks whom we think of as wrong?
If you call your local AA or NA, I'm willing to bet that they would arrange a ride for you if you really want to go to a meeting. You're not making it difficult to give suggestions... you're telling it like it is, and I haven't really heard of any problem that can't be circumvented in order to seek recovery. I had a slew of issues myself, and I managed...I'll tell you about them sometime.
I've got to get back to my family & guest. I'll check back later.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Anyway.... your reply raised a couple of issues. That the participants in your group are aiming their sharing towards the counselor raises another question: has she recovered from addiction using methadone maintenance, and is she now living without methadone maintenance? If not...then that's were AA & NA may be of benefit to you. It's alcoholics & addicts helping each other to stay clean and sober... the ones having recovered helping the ones recovering, the ones recovering helping those with more time keep from going back out.
Regarding the issue of a higher power... if it helps, my husband was a confirmed atheist coming into recovery. I would not nor do I have anything to do now with any kind of organized religion. If that was a prerequisite, I would not have been able to get clean using the program. I do have a deep sense of spirituality, as does my husband now... many, many people that I know have used the program as something greater than their own efforts alone, and that's perfectly acceptable. An open mind that others do use organized religion and a concept of a deity or energy as God helps a lot... how can we learn from folks whom we think of as wrong?
If you call your local AA or NA, I'm willing to bet that they would arrange a ride for you if you really want to go to a meeting. You're not making it difficult to give suggestions... you're telling it like it is, and I haven't really heard of any problem that can't be circumvented in order to seek recovery. I had a slew of issues myself, and I managed...I'll tell you about them sometime.
I've got to get back to my family & guest. I'll check back later.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
An Addict name Jerome.......
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Whitesburg, Georgia
Posts: 184
Hey Unclescam, glad your here. Well you sound just like me a few 24 hours ago. I was the worse addict that ever lived, done the worse drugs and more than anyone else. I did not need any religious people saving my soul, and did not want to hear their sh*!. It took many years for me to realize, it's not about the drugs, or the needle. It's not even about the sh*! that happen to me as a kid. What it is about is what I think about myself, why did I want to die so badly, why did I hate everyone almost as much as I hated myself? ..."massive bout of depression" I dealed with that my whole time using. The Horse and the #4s kelp me numb and I did not have to deal with my feelings. But for some reason I changed my mind, right in the middle of the game. I choice to give a power greater than myself the cedit, it's the only way I chould accept and develope the desire to get clean.
Recovering heroin addict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: United States
Posts: 4
Hi y'all... thanks for the welcome!
Ragidi, I'm not sure what you're asking... who has taken the cap off methadone?
Sugah, it's cool! Most everyone reads my name as "Sam", heh. Our MA group leader has never been an addict. Still, I don't think I've ever met anyone with a better scientific understanding of what addiction is and how it manifests, affects lives, etc. She keeps up with all the new medical reports and new forms of treatment and she doesn't get paid much at all. I really respect that gal. She's been a huge part of getting me this far. Finally, she is trying to work around the issues I have with MA/NA/AA to give me the benefit of the program without the anthropomorphism and sectarian features that bother me.
I'll look into NA and other groups/services in this area. It'll be hard to keep an open mind when certain steps arise (especially 2 & 3)... I'll do my best. Thanks for writing during the holidays!
Time2Surrender, thanks for the welcome!
Imagine, thanks for the advice. I don't feel like I want to die at all, I'm just low! Heh! The worst part is that I don't know exactly what the root cause of it is. I've always read and heard that there is a period of deep depression that occurs at a particular stage in recovery... it sucks to feel this low, but it's a little reassuring to know it's a sure sign that I'm making progress. I'm squinting really hard to see that silver lining though.
I wish more than anything else that I could find a wholly non-sectarian recovery group. If I were beyond this point, I'd be willing to start one! At this point though, I think I'm of better use to people here and in my clinic groups.
I really appreciate all of your input (and would love to hear more)! What a great welcome! Thanks again!
Ragidi, I'm not sure what you're asking... who has taken the cap off methadone?
Sugah, it's cool! Most everyone reads my name as "Sam", heh. Our MA group leader has never been an addict. Still, I don't think I've ever met anyone with a better scientific understanding of what addiction is and how it manifests, affects lives, etc. She keeps up with all the new medical reports and new forms of treatment and she doesn't get paid much at all. I really respect that gal. She's been a huge part of getting me this far. Finally, she is trying to work around the issues I have with MA/NA/AA to give me the benefit of the program without the anthropomorphism and sectarian features that bother me.
I'll look into NA and other groups/services in this area. It'll be hard to keep an open mind when certain steps arise (especially 2 & 3)... I'll do my best. Thanks for writing during the holidays!
Time2Surrender, thanks for the welcome!
Imagine, thanks for the advice. I don't feel like I want to die at all, I'm just low! Heh! The worst part is that I don't know exactly what the root cause of it is. I've always read and heard that there is a period of deep depression that occurs at a particular stage in recovery... it sucks to feel this low, but it's a little reassuring to know it's a sure sign that I'm making progress. I'm squinting really hard to see that silver lining though.
I wish more than anything else that I could find a wholly non-sectarian recovery group. If I were beyond this point, I'd be willing to start one! At this point though, I think I'm of better use to people here and in my clinic groups.
I really appreciate all of your input (and would love to hear more)! What a great welcome! Thanks again!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: out there...
Posts: 2,653
Finally, she is trying to work around the issues I have with MA/NA/AA to give me the benefit of the program without the anthropomorphism and sectarian features that bother me.
2 things might help you to get what you need at meetings and leave what you don't.
Big diff betwen the fellowship and the program.
The program is a set of principles written so simply that we can follow them in our daily lives
The fellowship is a bunch of men and women for whom drugs had become a major problem
and the 2nd thing that really helped me was to constantly remind myself that...
NA is a spirtual not religious program.
Vision of Hope
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Living on This side of the green!!
Posts: 1,057
Basically, I am here at SoberRecovery because I hope to meet other recovering heroin addicts who have gone through this or who are going through this depression phase. Of course, I'm not here just for me! If anyone ever needs to talk with someone who's been into heroin for nearly a decade, has done every drug under the sun, lived through it and has begun the recovery process, I'm more than happy to listen and share.
My suggestion/ direction that we take and stay clean with Go to as many meetings as possible, get a home group, get phone numbers, get a sponsor, work the steps, get involved with service work, and no mater what - dont use.
Welcome to SR!!
Peace,
Todd J.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Anywhere,USA
Posts: 511
Hi Uncle Scam!
Welcome to recovery...
I've got a few 24 hours of clean time under my belt and I'd just like to say that although my DOC was Methamphetamines...I had 25 years of being "out there" doing every drug I ever came in contact with...
When I came into the program of NA/AA I had turned my back on God for even longer than the # of years that I'd been doing dope.
I was told in the beginning that I needed a Higher Power...it didn't matter so much what it was...it could be a tree, a creative intelligence, Mother Nature, a rock, a doorknob or a can of beans...so long as I realized that I wasn't "IT"...
and in the Big Book of AA there's a whole chapter dedicated to "We Agnostics"...which basically states that at least half of us come into the program with a problem with the whole "GOD" concept!
Today I still have a problem with organized religion, but I do believe in spirituality...
I have my own "God Concept" which is a loving and a forgiving God figure who does not insist that I must sit in a church service every Sunday...
Next, depression...
"normal"
about a year and a half into my recovery I found a great shrink.....& was totally & completely honest with him about my addiction issues...
With antidepressants, I can function. Although it took awhile to find the right combination of meds.
Someday that information about pregnancy & trimesters may be useful to you...
However...I think I'd be talking to the counselor about finding a "male" support group to guide you through working through the 12 steps of the program...
Cause that's what's going to be what gives you the good stuff...
Welcome to recovery...
I've got a few 24 hours of clean time under my belt and I'd just like to say that although my DOC was Methamphetamines...I had 25 years of being "out there" doing every drug I ever came in contact with...
When I came into the program of NA/AA I had turned my back on God for even longer than the # of years that I'd been doing dope.
I was told in the beginning that I needed a Higher Power...it didn't matter so much what it was...it could be a tree, a creative intelligence, Mother Nature, a rock, a doorknob or a can of beans...so long as I realized that I wasn't "IT"...
and in the Big Book of AA there's a whole chapter dedicated to "We Agnostics"...which basically states that at least half of us come into the program with a problem with the whole "GOD" concept!
Today I still have a problem with organized religion, but I do believe in spirituality...
I have my own "God Concept" which is a loving and a forgiving God figure who does not insist that I must sit in a church service every Sunday...
Next, depression...
"normal"
about a year and a half into my recovery I found a great shrink.....& was totally & completely honest with him about my addiction issues...
With antidepressants, I can function. Although it took awhile to find the right combination of meds.
Someday that information about pregnancy & trimesters may be useful to you...
However...I think I'd be talking to the counselor about finding a "male" support group to guide you through working through the 12 steps of the program...
Cause that's what's going to be what gives you the good stuff...
Recovering heroin addict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: United States
Posts: 4
Hi y'all... just wanted to pop in with a little update! First off, I want to thank everyone for taking a little time out of your lives (and recoveries) to give me all that great advice and insight. I've already put some of to use by going to more than the required number of groups per month. We have to go to at least 2 group sessions per month but I picked out some groups with topics that I need to work on and I'm going to those as well. I'm one of those people who doesn't like to sit at a table and listen/share, but it's growing on me and I'm sure I'll get more comfortable with it in time.
The update is that I got to speak with my methadone clinic's head sponsor and psychologist. He agreed that the depression I've been dealing with is stronger and longer lasting than the depression most recovering addicts get when they realize they've lost all their (drug using) friends, etc. The doc took me off Lexapro, increased my methadone dose to 85, and put me on Lithium and Paxil. I'd been on Paxil before but it was umm, ruining my relationship with my girlfriend so I stopped taking it. I'm not dating anyone right now (it's hard to get a date when you are clearly a recovering dope fiend) so that part of Paxil isn't a problem presently.
I can't tell a difference yet but it takes time for these things to get into your system so I'm just going to hold out hope and stick with the clinic and groups. Got some social stuff planned for New Years with some clean but non-uptight friends so that's good... maybe things will pick up... who knows.
Thanks again and if anyone wants to chat about heroin/K4/Oxy recovery, feel free to email me at <unclescam2000 at ***** dot com>. It's nice to get emails sometimes... heh.
The update is that I got to speak with my methadone clinic's head sponsor and psychologist. He agreed that the depression I've been dealing with is stronger and longer lasting than the depression most recovering addicts get when they realize they've lost all their (drug using) friends, etc. The doc took me off Lexapro, increased my methadone dose to 85, and put me on Lithium and Paxil. I'd been on Paxil before but it was umm, ruining my relationship with my girlfriend so I stopped taking it. I'm not dating anyone right now (it's hard to get a date when you are clearly a recovering dope fiend) so that part of Paxil isn't a problem presently.
I can't tell a difference yet but it takes time for these things to get into your system so I'm just going to hold out hope and stick with the clinic and groups. Got some social stuff planned for New Years with some clean but non-uptight friends so that's good... maybe things will pick up... who knows.
Thanks again and if anyone wants to chat about heroin/K4/Oxy recovery, feel free to email me at <unclescam2000 at ***** dot com>. It's nice to get emails sometimes... heh.
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