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Im such a brat!!!!!!!!!!!

Old 11-24-2005, 07:31 AM
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Still hangin` on...
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Unhappy Im such a brat!!!!!!!!!!!

Im sitting here at work feeling sorry for myself--fighting back tears and you would think that I would at least be grateful for what I do have in my life. Many people have it far worse then I ever have and all I think is--POOR ME!!!
I worked today because I thought that would help me stay out of my head--but ya know what--know matter where I turn--THERE I AM!!!!!!!!! GO FIGURE!
Its not really that I want to get high--its that all consuming guilt!!!! It never goes away!!!!!!! I feel guilty about everything!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate this feeling. And I know its just going to get worse through the holidays!!!! How can I get past this????
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Old 11-24-2005, 07:36 AM
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Originally Posted by Ann25
-its that all consuming guilt!!!! It never goes away!!!!!!! I feel guilty about everything!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate this feeling. And I know its just going to get worse through the holidays!!!! How can I get past this????
Working the steps releives the pain and guilt caused by our using careers. Pray, meditate and be kind to yourself. Being and staying clean and sober is a living amend we make one day at a time. Also, helping others is a sure way to get out of self.

Hang in there.
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Old 11-24-2005, 07:40 AM
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If you were a friend, would you give her the same treatment as you give yourself?

Ask yourself that.
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Old 11-24-2005, 08:02 AM
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An Addict name Jerome.......
 
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Ann25; Your clean and sober, instead of using your are shareing here. And I'm very thankful that you are here...........Peace..jerome
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Old 11-24-2005, 09:01 AM
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I know in my head that these are my feelings and I have to deal with them but I just cant. Its so hard. The pain and hoplessness I feel is real and I feel like I deserve it. I KNOW I DO!!! I made my bed........
I find myself still wondering where/when did I cross that line????????????
Does anyone else ever wonder????????
Also--I read on a site that when we (dont know how to word it) live this life--that we had some part of deciding what are path was going to be--experiences that we wanted to have....I just cant imagine that anyone would ever want to experience being an addict. I think that I could deal with physical pain then all this emotion. It s**ks!!!
Do I make ANY sense at all?
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Old 11-24-2005, 09:30 AM
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I am sorry you feel this way. I have made many mistakes in my past and I regret wasted time, wasted money, wasted opportunities, wasted relationships, etc. But I am grateful to be clean today. I had to go through what I went through to get here. I needed to become ready to be honest with myself and reach out for help. Working the steps has helped me to deal with my guilt and accept the past. I can't change the past, but I can change my attitudes and actions today. I can avoid making the same mistakes again. Don't use, go to meetings, talk to your sponsor, work the steps, pray, and you will get through this. Best wishes!
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Old 11-24-2005, 11:25 AM
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I went for a walk---just to get out of the office. I thought a good cry would do me some good. It helped but....its weird.....my mind wandered to everything around me---the squirrell hopping on a cement wall--I laughed--I dont know why??????????? Then I started to pray--well--maybe not pray--talk to God I guess you could say........... I asked why am I feeling like this so much lately. And almost instantly I "felt" the answer(if that makes any sense)
I cant put it into words really--but I know what I need to do--even though I already knew--I must sound like a total nut!!!!
What it comes down to is that I feel a little better--actually alot better then I did a few hours ago!!!
Working on my recovery is number one--but I really need to work on me--my attitude, way of thinking, ect........ I know that recovery is about working on me--but mostly Ive been just trying to stay clean--not changing anything. If I keep going the way Im going Im gonna get high!!! This I know!! Ive been there done that. That is not an option.
Thank You for your support and letting me have my little "episode".
Ann

I need to go fix my face before someone comes in the office and sees me!!!
Did I mention that I work for the Department of Mental Health? Ya--Someone "stable" like me helping the mentally ill!!!!
All joking aside--I think that this job was meant for me. It took me over a year to get back into this field since I lost my job. I didnt think I would ever be able to do this kind of work again. And look........Yet another reason to be grateful!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 11-24-2005, 01:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Ann25
I know in my head that these are my feelings and I have to deal with them but I just cant. Its so hard. The pain and hoplessness I feel is real and I feel like I deserve it.
We can't "deal" with our feelings.. we have to feel them. I have never been able to convince my feelings to go away no matter what I tried to bribe them with. As a result I had to go through feeling my share of pain and hoplessness when I first got clean and until I worked on a bunch of my self acceptance.

We do deserve our feelings. In fact we always did but because of my fear of them I tried to bury them away where they wouldn't be able to reach me.

It's only natural that when we stop running we have so many come looking for us to resolve. You don't have to run from them anymore. They are shadows of things gone by. remember that what you did to cause those feelings was in the past and you are not doing that stuf anymore.

Ask your higher power for the gratitude to be able to experience a full range of human emotion.

Today we can survive our feelings without using.



Do I make ANY sense at all?
absolutely
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Old 11-27-2005, 10:47 AM
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Smile

Feelings.............. Im having a hard time with those right now. More so I think because of the holidays. But even though Thanksgiving started out pretty bad it ended up being awesome. After work I had dinner with my family and I actually had a good time. Once I calmed down and thought about how much I have to be grateful for, my life really didnt seem all that bad. I have alot of work to do on myself--not only for myself--but for my daughters. They deserve so much better--and I need to get a grip and grow up and take responsibilitiy for my actions--not just cry about it. I stopped going to therepy because it was an inconvenience--maybe thats not the right word. I just got tired of hearing myself talk. But I need to do something else, because what Im doing isnt enough. I dont go to alot of meetings because I work nights. There really isnt alot of morning meetings in my area. Maybe going back to the out-patient program might be better. I dont know.
THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR SUPPORT. I LOVE THIS SITE.
Ann
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Old 11-27-2005, 05:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Phinneas
Working the steps releives the pain and guilt caused by our using careers. Pray, meditate and be kind to yourself. Being and staying clean and sober is a living amend we make one day at a time. Also, helping others is a sure way to get out of self.

Hang in there.
I too found Working The Steps a relief from the burden of guilt. For years I held myself responsible for failings in our family and it was only through Working The Steps that I came to accept that most of it was not my fault.

Perhaps there are thing you have done in your past that weighs heavy on your concience.......Steps will help you to right some of it.......where amends cannot be made you will learn self forgiveness........you will understand the wisdom of letting go......
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Old 11-29-2005, 05:19 PM
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I know that I really should be working the steps.......I havent. Steps one and two I can accept...... three ........thats a tough one. I know deep down inside of me that my Higher Power IS THERE FOR ME. I know because when I pray I always feel better. That feeling right in the "pit" of my stomache goes away. I just need to let it go. I dont know why its so hard for me. Maybe some part of me still believes that me and only me can keep me off of drugs. And believe me--these past three months have been a struggle to say the least. Im more afaid of the guilt then anything. I just cant take that anymore!!! I would go and get high without a moments thought!!! Now I think about how Im going to feel after the fact. Instant gratifacation isnt there anymore. I know what I know now.
But even though Im not using the guilt is still haunting me!!!! I just think about my kids.........the tears start!!!!!!! I think about what Ive put my mother through......the tears start. Im just so mad at myself. I feel like I dont deserve what I do have and that really sucks!!!!!!!!
Holidays have never been a joyous time for me--now Im scared!!! I just hope that I can stay clean. Thats all I want for Christmas!!!!!!!!
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