DesertEyes

Hey there gang,

This PTSD can be a real PITA sometimes. I was out shopping for a house yesterday, and my emotions started on a slow dive. I have no idea what "triggered" me, but by the end of the day I was getting seriously depressed. No, not the ordinary everyday blues that normal people get, this was a total, complete and intense depression.

I've had these before. Most of the time I can find out what it was in the world that reminds me of the violent childhood I went thru. Don't know what it was about yesterday, I may never know.

Anyway, stayed up a little later than usual, knowing that I'd have trouble sleeping. That worked, as I hit the sack and was out cold right away. Didn't last, woke up to one of my soul rattling nightmares. Ugly, ugly one. Don't get 'em too often anymore. Didn't even bother going back to sleep, I know better by now. Had a small snack and read some program stuff.

Nightmare's been chasing me all day, so I got on the phone and called up some friends that are having an especially rough time. Got real busy with paperwork and phone calls and stuff. Did some errands that I could have put off, but did them now. All that helps me shake off the nightmare. I met some new people during my day, took the time to just listen to them and be friendly. Dunno why but that helps me re-connect with reality and unplug the fear. They may even turn out to be friends, that would be cool.

Tonight should be easier than last night. I'm still pretty rattled but I know all the actions I have to take. It'll be a few days before I'm totally free of this one. I'd go to a meeting but the ol' heart doesn't do so well if I don't get enough sleep, so I'm going to stay put and not stress it by going out again. It's already complaining, so I better baby it tonite :-)

Sure gets old, this PTSD stuff. Fortunately, it seems to be longer and longer between "episodes". Thank the HP for the wonderful programs of recovery, I'da taken myself out a _long_ time ago if it wasn't for that.

Thanx for letting me share.

Mike :-)

Don W

Hi Mike, I also get confused how they can come out of nowhere. I can be going along doing fine. Then, I can feel my mood and attitude start to change. Like you did, I guess the best is to talk about it and wait it out. The difficult part is to not act on some of these thoughts. I've done so and have had to go back and clean up the mess. You're right they get further apart but, I still don't like them.

historyteach

(((Mike)))
I've had over a week of not sleeping well. ANd a few days ago, I just was on the verge...know what I mean? Well, stupid question, of COURSE you know what I mean.
Just know you are in my heart and I'm praying for your peace of mind.
And don't wait so long to post about it next time. Speak up early. That's what friends are for, remember?
Be good to yourself, Mike. And if you can't get to a meeting, you can still call your sponsor, or another member you relate well with, no?
Shalom, my friend... shalom!

DesertEyes

Yup. Downright spooky. What helps me heal, and banish them forever, is to track down exactly what event in the day caused the "echo" of my past to pop up. Then I can dig out that "repressed" memory and face it. Usually causes a strong "flashback", but then I can get a handle on it, acknowledge it, and identify the emotions _before_ they get out of hand.

Been there, done that. One of my sponsors taught me not to do a DUI, that's a Decision Under the Influence of emotions. Once my emotions get to swinging the brain is not functioning. So I just back off whatever I'm doing cuz I know if I try to take any kind of action I'm just going to muck it up.

Mike :-)

DesertEyes

Heya ((( teach )))

Wow teach, with all the stuff you got going on with your son I'm amazed you sleep at all. That were my daughter out there I'd be going mental right about now. You have amazing strength and courage.

* lol * I got into action. That helps me the most. Called up a very dear friend who's going in for heart surgery tomorrow. Spent a long time just listening to him and to his wife, letting them now that they're not alone. Called up my 92yr old mom and let her tell me all about her day. She's having a rough time cuz her 102yr old boyfriend just passed away. Now that I am emotionally settled from the "echo" I can talk about it and make some sense of the whole thing.

Yup. Best thing I'm going to do for me is go to bed early. Get some rest for this worn out pump I got. Have a _great_ AA sponsor, but I haven't found a good ISA/ACA sponsor yet. You talked to my AA sponsor once or twice, he said you sounded like a charming young lady :-)

Only a handful of guys in ACA in this town, and they're not wrapped too tight. Haven't found a single guy in ISA so far. The ladies are wonderful, but this is rough stuff to share at any level, never mind trying to get a woman sponsor. I have a few good friends I do share with, and they're the best. I'll just keep looking for a good "fit" for a ISA/ACA sponsor, somebody will turn up sooner or later ;-)

Shalom teach, and know that I pray for you and Trevor all day, every day.

Mike :-)

Ann

Sorry you hit a rough spot, Mike, and I know those nightmares can shake us up good. You've been busy lately and maybe just got a little overloaded on the circuits.

Get rest and take good care of yourself, and know that we're here and we care.

Hope you sleep well tonight. I'll say my best anti-nightmare prayer for you and send angels to make sure the dreams stay pleasant.

Sweet Dreams Hugs
Ann

DesertEyes

hmmm... didn't even think of that. The stress i'm dealing with is much less than earlier this year, but it's still a good sized load. Funny how I seem to forget about that, guess that's part of my codie-ism

oooooh, I'd never heard of anti-nightmare prayers! What a cool idea.

Well they worked. Slept fitfuly, and not deeply, but _no_ nightmares tonite. This is an improvement, I've always gotten them for several nights in a row. Today will be busy, docs in the AM, house hunting in the PM, meeting tonite. I'll have to make me an hour of two just to unwind and disconect the stress batteries, help keep those prayers of yours working :-)

Thanx for caring

Mike :-)

Minx1969

Mike,

I love that "DUI"..My sponsor taught me that too! (Especially the week I am PMSing)..

I had a doozy of a day earlier this week..I had 3 straight days of insomnia and disturbing dreams, I'm PMSing and it was a full moon..

Luckily, I've learned not to act or react anymore..I kept my thoughts to myself and my mouth closed..and the next day I felt better..

I know I was reacting (in my head) to some of my fears about my boyfriend and his relationship with his family..After I got a handle on it I discovered a boundary that needs to be set..and next week when I'm not hormonal I can ask my boyfriend nicely about what I need..

I should come to this forum more..I was diagnosed (more then once) with PTSD..Does it ever go away?

I don't seem to react as much..but my sleep is the first thing to go (and the nightmares come) with any stress..

I try and pray for peace of mind and a good nights sleep but it doesn't always happen..

Minx

DesertEyes

Heya Minx,

Works for me, when I work it ;-)

Sorry to hear that, those suck. Hope they clear up real soon.

I stil can't figure out my boundaries _before_ they get trampled on, when I do that will be a major growth event for me *lol*

It has for me. It gets weaker over time as I work my program and learn more about myself. Other than the occasional nightmare it's hardly a problem anymore.

I still can't recognize stress in my life. The first clue I have that maybe I have too much stress going on is the lack of sleep and then the nightmares. I need one of those little dials they have in cars, the ones that say how much gas is left. I need it right on my forehead so I can see it in the morning *lol* One of my goals is to be able to identify _other_ disturbances in my self that tell me I need to take a "chill pill" before it gets too bad.

Yup, I just toss it in the box with all the other "things I cannot change" and let the HP worry about it. I got my hands full with all the other stuff going on in my life.

Mike :-)
p.s. Sweet dreams :-)

Ann

Mike, this is going to sound silly to a guy, but something that has helped is something I read and tried, and that was to make my bedroom more restful...like adding a bouquet of fresh flowers, sleeping with the window open a little (because it's cold here, so could be a lot where you live), get some soft lighting which I did with a lower watt bulb and a great lampshade, and playing soft music and then reading something brief but peaceful and then thinking about what you just read when you then try to go to sleep.

I have no idea why that helped me, or if I was due for some good sleep anyway, but it seemed to work well. I'll bet it would lower the stress level before you try to sleep too.

You know I empathize because sleep has been my worst problem, but, touch wood, something has made this problem far more infrequent.

Lullaby Hugs
Ann

DesertEyes

Hey there Ann,

*lol* No prob, I've been accused of being silly more than once ;-)

What works for me is to make my bedroom more "safe". Being an ACoA and ISA I have my share of old "emotional injuries" that still "ache". Soft light brings up a lot of "echoes" of the times I was abused as a kid, so what works better for me is to leave all the lights on and bright until I'm ready to crash, then making sure it's _really_ dark. I'm also very touchy about noise, so I go to a lot of trouble to find an apartment that is away from the street. The one I have now looks out over the parking lot of the Salvation Army, and it's _really_ quiet all night long.

In this apartment I can't leave the window open, there's a huge street light just outside of it (I'm on the second floor) so the window gets covered up with a blanket at bedtime.

I read some program stuff before bed. Just finished "The roots of Alcoholics Anonymous" and starting out "The varieties of religious experience". Helps me feel grounded. I also keep _two_ flashlights by the bed. Yeah, it's a little obsessive, but it goes a long way to settle that "inner child" that still remembers pedophiles slithering into the bedroom in the deep of the night.

I think the specifics of "restful" are different for you and me, but the objective is the same.

I do a little Yoga, say a few prayers for those who still suffer, and for the knowledge of His will for me, and that usually does the trick. Except when I let the stress get too high, or sometimes for no reason that I can tell.

Around here we "knock on wood". Which is kinda silly i think cuz the only wood is on cacti and the _last_ thing you wanna do is knock on them stickery things. *lol*

Mike :-)
((((((( hugs )))))))))) back atcha

bikewench

Hey Mike...

It sounds like you're reaching acceptance around your condition.

I feel like I'm also beginning to own my "thing"... acknowledging it when it starts.. and then trying to do damage control right away.

I'm really liking the way you schmoozed it out...
gives me ideas..
other.. better.. coping behaviors..

You've come a long way buddy.

I remember when you came on here before you and your wife split.
wouldn't know you were the same guy...

love your vibe.

DesertEyes

Hey there Wench :-)

Yup, little by little i am making progress :-)

ty, ty, you've given me tons of ideas of your own :-)

Oh please, talk about a _mess_. I crashed and burned so bad you'd think it was a Hollywood action flick. At my home group they had to call a group conscience to start buying kleenex I was crying so much. I don't _ever_ want to forget that, cuz that is what this disease of "codie-ism" will do to me. Untreated codie-ism is just as deadly for me as untreated addiction is to the addict.

ty, ty, I'm just following in the footsteps of those who went before

[where's that dancing bannana when I need it ???? ]

Mike :-)

bikewench

lol..
ahhhhhh....
((Mike))

Yes...
reaping the rewards of working the program...
I hear ya..
And the surrender..
I feel ya.. ;o)


Those that went before gave this to us... and we will simply pass it on...

walkin the walk...

have a great day Mike.

purpleheart

Please, can you tell me if there are "sponsors" and support group meetings for someone like me who has never had a drug or drink addiction, but suffers from PTSD?

I am separated from my abusive/alcoholic husband of 24 years. Even though he attended meetings 6 times weekly and claimed he was sober since 1985, he still has control issues and continues to abuse me, though I am nine states away. In 2001, he suddenly left home (for the 4th time), taking our 16 yr old Angelina Jolie lookalike daughter with him. I'd homeschooled her and she was then a student at a local college. I'd helped her fulfill her dream of graduating with honors so young, but a couple of months before she left with her dad, she had been overcome with IHateMyMotherItis, or so it seemed. Broke my heart.

My husband, who had at one time, thrown me down the basement stairs, hung me by my throat, fractured my neck...filed for divorce claiming I'd abused him! He alleged I'd been unfaithful which shocked me because he'd given me an STD earlier on, and because one of his contentions was that I hated sex and even slept on the couch most of the years we were together. He left that September after I had spent 5 months dieting and lifting weights in preparation for major surgery which I had two months before he left. Funny thing, but I had predicted he would leave once I had the surgery and entered menopause, and that's exactly what he did.

From November to January 4th, he had a change of heart and tried to court me, dismissed his attorney, etc. One night he was visiting with our 2 youngest (whom he'd left behind (one has OCD and the other is autistic/mildly mentally challenged) while I was working. I'd taken a part-time job at a bookstore to help defray the cost of maintaining 2 households, a necessity since my husband had fired me from our family business, had placed a block on my phone, cancelled heating fuel (I lived in Seekonk, MA at the time), and removed me from the Blue Cross health policy that was taken out in my own name. While visiting, Henry told our children that he was pretty sure I would take him back. Mass hysteria erupted when the kids screamed and cried that they DIDN'T WANT HIM BACK! When I arrived home from work, I found Henry sitting in a darkened living room. He got up and walked toward the door and said "I can't DO this anymore!" He slammed the door and began a campaign to destroy me.

He placed numerous calls to the Seekonk police who came so often for no reason, they finally urged me to obtain a restraining order. Naturally, Henry behaved during the order's duration. After it was lifted, he continued to torture me by dispatching DSS claiming I'd neglected the childrens' education. Remember, our 16 yr old had graduated with honors from WA and was a full-time college student earning A's. The initial accusation was investigated and dismissed. Over the next 5 weeks, I was hounded by 9 more social workers. I enrolled our youngest daughter in public school. Again, I was charged with neglect of both her and the daughter who lived with my husband!

My husband, who had control issues all those years, told our families and friends that I'd thrown him out of our house (not true!), and that it was my fault we hadn't kept in touch with them or socialized much outside of AA meetings. (Didn't they recognize it was my handwriting on all those Get Well and Christmas cards? Didn't I hostess Christmas parties for all his AA friends, reunion gatherings for relatives???) I felt I couldn't approach my parents and sisters because: 1. the kids told me their father had blamed me and claimed I hated the lot of my relatives; 2. He'd placed that block on my telephone which only HE could lift, so the phone company said; 3. After seeing my own mother "supporting" him in court, I felt overwhelmingly betrayed.

On February 18, 2002, my husband got DSS to swoop in and take our 11 year old charging me with neglect even though we had Shared Custody and she was supposed to be with him that day. When he failed to show up, I'd arranged for her to be supervised by a neighbor, then my son rode his bike with her to her Karate studio where she was told to stay until I picked her up after work at 5. Instead, she had left the studio and ridden home where her father watched from behind the trees across the street. Within 10 minutes, DSS arrived without a warrant and took her against her will, without her coat and medications.

There is so much more to this tale, but it exhausts me to relive it and I feel I am monopolizing any reader...Summarizing, I lost my daughters (he won't allow any contact between us since the youngest snuck a phone call to me 6/28/02), my home (Court forced me to sell within 2 months time 4/2/02), my savings (he emptied all but $1 out of 7 accounts 2 days before leaving 9/01), family support (my father hung up on me and on his grandson when we called to explain "our side" ~ I'd never devulged to anyone in my family that I was abused for so long.) my job (can't seem to hold one anymore. Everything/every small child reminds me of my missing daughters), my reputation (He told everyone I'd cheated on him and thrown him out and that I am Bi-polar, which I am not! I've been diagnosed with PTSD by 3 different doctors in 2 states! Plus, because I was advised to remain quiet at the required 72 hour DSS hearing, the DSS lawyer wrote up that I was found guilty as charged!). To add insult to injury, I am still married to Henry after being served 4 years ago for divorce. I am ordered to pay child support for our youngest even though he won't allow contact between us, and I am in arrears more than $10,000 and climbing ($1120 every 3 months).

I use to live in a beautiful upper middle class home in Seekonk, MA. Now, I live in a mobile with my autistic son in Georgia where we know no one. (I left for GA in the middle of the night after receiving a death threat from my husband.) We barely survive on his disability check; I have been waiting for my disability hearing since 10/03 and was told it is scheduled for 8/06). We've been without a car since last June. A mechanic finally offered to tow it to his shop in August, promissing to fix it and wait for payment. I had a job waiting at the college I attend. Having no car, I've had to take only online classes, but in January, I'll have to go to the campus or drop out. This mechanic has had my car for 3 months. The head is ready to be reinserted under the hood. Last week, the jerk swore at me and spit on me saying I've been rushing him and he's not going to do it. I had to file a police report and will have to go to court ~ a definite "bad file memory" and a cost of $65 more than I can afford.

So, thanks for listening. Please let me know about the sponsor issue. Also, I have difficulty making decisions and would appreciate the input of any of you. Am I doing all I can? I am copying my legal papers and submitting them to GA Legal Aid to be referred to MA Legal Aid. My goal is not to seek divorce, but to get alimony, my share of the sale of our business (I forgot to tell you that while enroute to GA, an attorny/stranger called me claiming an Ex Parte order was made forcing me to waive interest in the family business worth $200,000. Later, I learned this stranger had signed my name to a legal document and the exparte order had said NOTHING REGARDING THE BUSINESS! MA is a community property state!), to have the child support order rescinded, to remain as beneficiary of my husband's life insurance policy (I have none; he always said I was dispensible), to remain on the BC/BS health policy, and to have 1/2 interest in the house I grew up in, which my father sold to my husband for a third its worth, not knowing his daughter had been so abused by this man. Please advise me. Know I am beginning a new round of therapy and have yet to receive new meds. I took myself off Symbyax or Cymbalta (forget which one) last June when I couldn't afford the $40 prescription anymore. It wasn't helping anyway. I am also reading everything I can about PTSD. Also, I have a history of sexual abuse growing up, verbal, physical, psychological, and emotional abuse. If I could afford it, I'd probably have become an alcoholic because I would welcome the numbing effect of overdrinking. I have attempted suicide twice and contemplate it daily. I haven't followed through because I fear for the welfare of my son whom I live with. I am not crazy! I used to be a teacher and I wrote a weekly column for a MA newspaper. I was a scout leader and I volunteered for a soup kitchen and made hats for the homeless in Providence, RI. My GPA is 4.0. I am just so tired of the horrible memories that continue to surface in my head, of not being able to sleep because I am so fearful of ~ I don't know what I'm afraid of, but I'm scared all the time. I keep throwing up and have periods where I can't catch my breath and my heart feels like it's going to jump out of my chest and my whole body quivers uncontrollably. I have headaches almost constantly and feel nauseous all the time. I can't stand this much longer and am desparate for relief. No one I know understands. When I am crying or worried, they yell at me and people rarely contact me anymore. Can anyone identify with this or am I being paranoid on top of the other mess I am? Thank you if you read this through without judging me. I will continue to pray for all of you even though my Lord doesn't seem to be ready to release me from my own trials.

DesertEyes

Hello Purpleheart,

I'm so sorry to hear of all that you are going thru. The best support meetings for people who are dealing with the effects of an abusive, alcoholic husband are the meetings of Al-Anon. Grab your phone book and look up the local Al-Anon office in your area. Give them a call and they will put you in touch with resources that are local to where you live.

You may also want to call the Women's Shelters in your area. Although you are not currently living with the abuser they know a lot of resources (such as Legal Aid ) in your area that are experienced with your particular situation.

Know that I am praying for you and for your children.

Mike :-)

purpleheart

Thank you for your advise and for your prayers. Reading the posts on this site has helped tremendously also.

I am in the process of copying most of my legal documents and have arranged to send them to a lawyer from GA Legal Aid who will write a referral and forward everything to MA Legal Aid. Hopefully, this will all be settled soon. Just thinking about having to "return to the scene of the crimes" ~ Court in MA and New England in general, makes me nauseous. But, by the time that happens, maybe with therapy and the proper meds, I'll be strong enough to face it.

Naturally, I have trust issues and I haven't felt like I belonged anywhere in a long time, but I am beginning to feel more comfortable interacting with people on this site. I am so grateful to be able to reach out to others who understand ~ and to find them reaching out to me, too. Something my own parents and sisters have refused to do. I can't thank you all enough!

Don W

I also like the " DUI" method. Simalar to once being told, " When not sure what to do, sometimes " Nothing" is best.