RollerDerbyGirl

I originally posted this in Nar-Anon, but then thought...who better than addicts to give advice on this topic, not necessarily friends and family. So, if you have some time, if you could consider this dilemma and let me know what you would think or do in this situation, as a recovering addict. I'm not really looking for advice for my position, just what is in his best interest to stay clean at this point. I'm staying put either way, but he needs to decide what is best for his recovery. Thanks.

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Living down the street from crack house

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Hello all. I thought once again, I would come here for some more insight. I had a talk with my boyfriend the other night. He is 2 weeks out of treatment for crack addiction. He has been acting distant and just in general, not happy, so I inquired about what was going on with him and wanted to get some emotions off my chest as well. He is having a hard time getting his mind off of using because in this new place, in this new city, that we have moved to, there is a perceived crack house just 3 doors down. And some pretty suspicious characters walking around that don't exactly look sober. And just a disclaimer here, I moved us here for work and hadn't spent 3 minutes in this house before we moved in. I couldn't really have known.

So I'm really wondering if being here right now is the best thing for him. I don't want him to relapse, and he is taking things day by day, and going to meetings pretty much daily...but I just don't think it is a good idea. Before we were here in New Orleans, we lived in the mountains, far away (or at least we felt like it) from this constant source of influence, so he wouldn't really think about it. (He didn't start using again while we were there...to help clarify) And now here we are, 2 weeks out of treatment and it is in front of his face. Is this a really bad idea? And how bad? Does this mean he needs to live somewhere else for now? His recovery is all that matters right now.

Here's the subplot to this: I told him that I am not moving. I told him I will help him figure out a Plan B and that I fully support him in that and agree that it might not be a bad idea. But our relationship is not solid enough right now, going well enough, I'm having a lot of doubts...and I'm not willing to move AGAIN with that being the current situation. Mind you, we just moved across 4 states one week ago. And the way I see it, I need to focus on me right now...as well as he needs to focus on himself also. I need to focus on work. And I live across the street from my brother and his girlfriend, the only other 2 people in town that I know. I just...can't...do..it. I have given my everything in 3 years with him and it's taken it's toll, and I'm not moving to another place. Is this reasonable of me?

I think he is going to make another effort to contact his counselor from treatment tomorrow and get some advice. Any advice here is also greatly appreciated.

I told him the other night I would try to be more patient, that I know it's only been a week....but MAN...after 3 years...I don't know how much more I have left. I want to be happy and move on. I realize that sounds really immature, but I want the joy and the light to return. And there are doubts here of incompatibility...this isn't all about his addiction and now recovery. Every time he is not happy about something, he pulls away and takes me for granted and basically projects it onto me in somewhat passive ways...and I'm SICK of it. Anyway, that's enough venting for now.

Thanks for listening.

Blake

Unfortunately, that is how the entire city of NOLA is. It is like a checkerboard, there are places in the city where gigantic beautiful houses are blocks away from drug den neighborhoods.....I found this out at an early age, taking a wrong turn down there will land you in a wrong neighborhood. Dope is everywhere around the city, uptown, midcity, cdb, warehouse district, garden district, quarter, everywhere.

If he wants to get loaded, he's gonna find dope. It doesn't matter where yall live.

I know meetings are scarce down there right now, but he needs to get to some and start building a support network, eventually NA will be back in full force in the city.......the good thing about a city that has so much rampant drug use is that it also dictates that there is a ton of awsome recovery too, they usually have some meetings a few blocks off burbon st....the irony is amazing....

Tell him to hold on, but you need to take care of yourself first and foremost.

Good luck,
Blake

namommy

Just like an addict can find drugs anywhere if they really want to get high, they can find meetings anywhere when they really want to recover.

Soul Catcher

I have to agree that they can find it anywhere! The control is out of your hands and in his. Good luck and I wish you the best.

Gooch

Yup .. Realistically if we made the world "safe" for us addicts by removing all the drugs, we'd just become obsessed codependants.

Sugah

Ditto what everybody said above. I came home from rehab alone to a house I had never seen. Signed the lease while I was detoxing. There were three bars on the street. The house I was living in had a past - it had been busted a few months earlier and the occupants sent to jail for dealing crack. I had a friend helping me, and she swept a pile of razor blades off the door frame into my lap where I was sitting. It was a trip! I was really questioning my ability to stay clean. So....

I took all the suggestions offered to me in the rooms. I got a sponsor three days out of rehab and began working the steps. I called people on the phone every time I felt squirrely. I prayed - a lot. I went to meetings every day. And, I stayed clean - even living in a former crack house, even with the dealers who hung in the street outside the bars (most of whom I knew).

On the other hand, when I lived twelve miles into the country, I could cop at 3am. Didn't matter. If I wanted to use, I wanted to use. If I wanted to stay clean, I stayed clean.

The book I follow for my recovery tells me that "this is precisely how we recovered." It doesn't tell me to take what I want of the steps and leave the rest. It does tell me that the steps of the program are suggestions, but it's been explained to me that they're suggestions in the same way that someone suggests I don't jump out of an airplane without a parachute.

You can't arrange things so that your boyfriend will want to stay clean, and you can't keep him clean. You can only begin your own recovery through an Anon program - they're great. I use them, too. He's got to be responsible for his recovery. But, you already knew that, didn't you?

Take care. He's lucky to have you. Many of us drove everyone away and began this journey feeling very alone. Luckily, we didn't have to stay that way.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

splendra

I don't perceive wanting joy and light as immature nor being impatient after having lived with an active addict for 3 years....and I can see why you might be having doubts about being compatible too.

It is up to him to stay clean and, it is up to you to take care of yourself...My prayers are that both things will happen for you and him...